35 at 35

January 2017 is almost coming to a close and I have not posted yet this month. Things haven't been too exciting lately (same shit, different day) so there hasn't been much to write about. Additionally, unlike the last five years, I didn't write a post on my birthday this year. Those of you that know me, know that I do not like celebrating my birthday. I don't like the attention on me that I am indeed getting older. And turning 35 and still being single was not something that I felt needed to be celebrated. At all.

As I've gotten older and I find myself still single, it gets more and more depressing. I don't need a reminder that yes, I am another year older, and am still alone with no prospects on the horizon.  The idea that I will be married and have the family I want is seemingly becoming more and more a distant reality. That shit is hard to swallow so I always want January 12 to come and go as quickly as possible. This year, it kind of did. While most people my age celebrate their birthdays with their spouses and kids, I celebrated with my parents. Now don't get me wrong, this was the first time in twelve years I was with them on my birthday, and I was happy about that, but its pathetic that I don't have anyone else to spend it with. Again, I am grateful and lucky to have gotten to be with them because I love them more than air, but it still stings I don't have a significant other to spend that day with. And that sucks. I'm not gonna lie, these last few weeks coming to grips with being 35 and being where I am in life has been hard on me.

It's quite difficult to be 35 and single and basically unemployed. It's not easy to be middle-aged (ew) and still not really know what I want to do with my life (spoiler: I will most likely go back to teaching). It's hard not having many friends here. But I also know that sitting around and dwelling on all that isn't going to change anything or make myself feel better. So instead, as I try to do everyday (it can be a struggle sometimes) I am going to focus on things that do indeed bring a smile to my face because hey, there are a lot of those! 35 things to be exact. Fitting, right? The 35 things that make this 35-year-old feel younger, happier, and put a smile on her face at this moment in time. 

1. A gorgeous sunrise over Lake Michigan
2. An Au Cheval burger with fries and garlic aioli. (Small Cheval will do just fine too.)
3. Sitting on the couch in sweats and watching the Illini and the Bears with my dad.
4. Seeing, holding, and playing my baby nephew.
5. Crushing a SoulCycle ride and sweating out of every pore.
6. Drinking a delicious fresh pressed watermelon juice.
7. Going for a run and feeling like I could last forever.
8. Breaking in a brand new pair of gym shoes.
9. Being able to easily take the Metra (or even the "L") home to see my parents basically whenever I want.
10. Lou Malnati's pizza with creamy garlic dressing.
11. An amazing sunset.
12. Staring at the Chicago skyline from the North Avenue "pier".
13. Staring at the Chicago skyline from the Lakeshore Path by the Adler Planetarium.
14. Getting into a race that is usually really hard to get into.
15. Buying a brand new pair of leggings that fit like a glove.
16. A Do-rite old fashioned donut.
17. Staring at the frozen chunks in Lake Michigan.
18. Going to a museum early and having it almost all to myself.
19. An unseasonably warm day when you can forget it's winter and believe spring is just around the corner.
20. Having an unexpected super fun night out at the bar, all while in leggings and gym shoes.
21. Cooking a new meal and finding out it's damn good. <Pats self on the back>
22. When one of my NYC friends books a ticket to visit me here in Chicago.
23. Hitting the shit out of the bag at boxing class.
24. Getting addicted to a new Bravo Show. (Thanks Andy Cohen.)
25. Booking a trip!
26. Being able to just waltz into Trader Joes and easily do my shopping with no crowds or lines. This is still always surprisingly and pleasantly shocking to me.
27. Jewel Taco Dip.
28. Walking into the school I sub at and have kids happy to see me not just because their teacher is absent, but because they actually like me.
29. Laying around on a crummy day with a yummy scented candle lit and a Netflix marathon on TV. 
30. Seeing both snow AND sand on the beach. (It's such a cool dichotomy to see.)
31. Going to the see and watching the gorillas (I could watch them ALL DAY long). And the lions. And the zebras. And Alexander Camelton. And that that view from the Nature Boardwalk. Perfect.
32. Feeling fatigued yet rejuvenated after a great swim.
33. Riding a Divvy bike along the lake. (Hopefully I will get my own bike in the Spring.)
34. Still getting to do "firsts" and "new-to-me" things in Chicago.
35. Having a heavy snow fall and just walking around in it with the flakes falling on me.

I'm not gonna lie, things have been rough for me lately. And when I am feeling down, I try and remember one of the many things listed above. And if possible, I go out and do/see/eat one of them or just think about them to garner a smile. But let's keep it real, 35 it tough age to hit for a lot of people. And in my position, it feels extra hard. I keep wondering when things will fall into place for me socially, romantically, and professionally. I know I am still in transition (can I still call it that even though I've been here like six months already?) and also know that I am extremely lucky to have the time and finances to go through this "adult gap year" period of my life. Although I continually remind myself that I will figure things out and that things will eventually come together, I am starting to wonder when and how this will all come to fruition. I have 11 more months of being 35 and can only hope that each month I get older, things get better and clearer and happier for me. And with that time, I will accept more and more where I am in my life and just continue to do what makes me happy.