Running into 2018...

Hi, it's me again. You know, the one who hasn't written in a couple of months, and who barely wrote this year at all. Yeah, that girl. Me. Hiiiiiiii.

A few people have asked why I haven't written much this year and the truth is, there hasn't been much to write about. Last year I wrote a lot about what I was looking forward to in continuing my first full year living in Chicago and all the things I was experiencing for the first time. More or less, things were great. I needed a change in my life, and I made it, but now, now that I am a lot more settled in, things are different. Life isn't new and exciting anymore, it's just regular 'ole life again and it was kind of tough.

2017 was my first full year in Chicago since I was 17 years old and it was supposed to be "the year." It was supposed to MY YEAR. The year of finding a job that I really enjoy. The year of possibly making some new friends here. And even the year of finding a boyfriend. I'm sad to report that none of those things happened and this seriously put a damper on things. Did I set my goals too high? I really don't think I did. I think I was pretty realistic. Did I not try hard enough? Maybe. Without elaborating too much, I can tell you that I didn't put the same effort into all three of those things. Maybe it was because I was injured most of the year and couldn't run and therefore just didn't feel like myself.  (Not being able to run affects me just as much mentally as it does physically and without having it in my life, it changes who I am and how I feel about myself.) Maybe it was because I just don't care enough to make all that stuff happen. Or maybe...just maybe, I care too much that I just don't want to deal with being disappointed and let down again so I don't give it my all (if I even bother). I honestly don't know what it was, but things just didn't seem to click, and spoiler alert, 2017 was indeed NOT my year. But hey, there's always 2018, right?

For this upcoming new year, my main focus is going to be getting my body 100% healthy again. Luckily, everything with my stomach has been great, and thankfully I've had no issues there. However, I battled injuries with my hamstring and my knee all of last year and the one thing that I love so much, running, was something I wasn't able to do much of, and for most of the year, not at all. In fact, it hurt to even walk sometimes. I rested a bunch, and then did PT, acupuncture, dry-needling, and everything else I could do to heal it. Then one day, it magically started to feel better and I've been taking it slow ever since.

Without working out, I am simply not me. I don't have that extra pep in my step. I love waking up early, getting in a solid workout (hopefully coupled with a spectacular sunrise) and going about my day.  It gives me happy endorphins, a sense of accomplishment, a lot more energy, and a whole bunch more. I just feel more complete. Without these morning runs, I am just not myself. I wasn't able to do any real races the entire year of 2017 and I missed that like crazy. I thoroughly enjoy getting excited (and nervous) for them, trying to beat a time, and constantly challenging myself. I like to compete with myself and work toward a goal. I need that. I want that again. I want to be injury-free and healthy enough to have that again. I think it just sets the tone for everything else. It gives me a sense of pride and worth that I can't seem to find anywhere else, so if there's anything I want in 2018, it's to be able to run and race consistently again. I don't even need to PR (which is usually a standard new years goal for me); I just want to run and race the miles happy and grateful and in turn, be able to do so without worry or pain. That will be a success for me! I feel if I can get that going in the right direction, I will start to feel more confident and maybe everything else will start to fall more into place. It has to. Until then, it's hard for me to work much on anything else. This one things brings me the most happiness, so this is what I want to work towards to most in 2018. This is what I want to dive into head first in and really lay my focus onto.

So yeah, that's all I can really commit to right now. It may not be much, but it's all I've got in me right now after a year that really took the wind out of my sail. I felt like I was constantly getting rejected from jobs and from men (some of which I didn't even want anyway which made me feel even worse), and it really messed with my confidence and self-worth. It's tough to just be left with the feeling that you are simply not good enough over and over again in multiple aspects of your life. As much as I don't want to be someone who lets others make her feel that way, the reality is that it does affect me greatly. And while that stuff brings me down, running allows me to feel good about myself and build myself back up. I may not run the furthest or the fastest, but completing a great run (or even an awesome SoulCycle) makes me feel happy and worthy. Additionally, it gives me an outlet when I feel nothing else is going right. It is one of the few things that no one else has control over but ME. As long as my body continues to cooperate (which is obviously key), this is something I am actually really excited about and will give my all to. And with that, I am going to end this post not only wishing everyone reading this a happy and healthy new year but also wishing (and willing) it to myself. Here's to 2018...let's get after it.