Something I am actually shy about

I will burp in front of pretty much anyone. Anytime. Anywhere.  Same goes with talking about poop. But there is one thing that I do find to be pretty personal and I really have to know you and trust you to do in front of you. And that my friend, is farting. Believe it or not,  I will not just fart in front of anyone. In fact, I can probably count on less than two hands the people I will actually fart in front of. Obviously this number does not count all the lucky folks that are behind me when I crop-dust down the street. Booyah.

I don't know what it is about farting that makes me so shy about it. With my openness with so many other subjects, this is usually shocking to people close to me. But they do probably appreciate that I don't fart in front of them. And for those I do fart in front of, I will go above and beyond the act of a simple fart. I will announce my fart. I will fart on you. And I will dutch oven you. Then I will laugh and laugh about it. After all, farting is funny. In fact, its pretty hilarious. (Some of the funniest movie scenes are fart/poop scenes (Harold and Kumar, Dumb and Dumber, even the pink-eye scene in Knocked Up)). So once I get started farting in front of you and break that barrier, look out.

So who do you fart in front of? Family? Friends? Boyfriend? Husband? If you are one of those people (and by people, I mean ignorant men) that think "Eeew, girls don't fart" (or poop), you are going to have a very rude awakening when you get married unless your wife is as weird about it as you are. Then by all means, you are probably perfect for each other and the most boring, stick-up-your-ass couple out there. Farting is natural. It's also totally normal. And everybody does it. Everybody. I just read a fantastic blog article about farting that had me laughing out loud. Especially the second paragraph. It was so spot on. Farting is funny. Period. So let's just be more open about it, myself included.

I can only hope when I do meet the man of my dreams, he will obviously be very impressed with my phenomenal burping skills, but more importantly, when I do decide to fart in front of him, he will love me just the same no matter how loud or how smelly. Because lets be honest, if you have to hold in all that gas for the rest of your life, its going to stink.

Marriage is FOR-EV-ER

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries dated for about 6 months. They were engaged for about 3 months and were married for less than 2.5 months. That's only 72 days of marriage for those have that been living in a bubble these past few days. These two moved fast. Really fast. Got married fast. Got divorced even faster. But is anyone really surprised? Not. At. All. What was the rush? I mean, really?

Since I am an avid reader of celeb gossip websites and magazines, I have been following their romance from the start and have had my own opinions on each of them and their relationship from the get go. Obviously I don't know either one of them personally and everything I know is from what I read in my magazines and see on their "reality" show. Therefore I am no professional, but I am entitled my own opinions. I think Kim is vapid, dumb, and has no real personality. And I think Kris just got caught up with the lifestyle that Kim provided before he got in too deep and realized the craziness that is the Kardashian brand.

Kim and I are of similar ages and I know the pressure of being this old and not being married already. Oh, the horror! With her younger sister married, and her older sister already with child and a long-term boyfriend, Kim felt the pressure to tie the knot herself. Not to mention all the financial perks that came along with it in her case (Free dresses, cake, flowers and an entire TV special). However, was it really worth rushing into the relationship, engagement, and wedding? Nope. She embarrassed herself, her brand, and the sanctity of marriage. For reals.

Here's the thing about this that really bothers me about this: They knew each other for such a short period of time, most of which was in front of a camera, and actually thought this would work out. Or did they? They were going to get a windfall for this wedding regardless if they were really in love and knew it would last. Everyone keeps saying Kim is just a hopeless romantic that is "in love with being in love." I think she is just in love with publicity and money. Why else would she have rushed into all this? They barely knew each other. And did they really think that they did?

I would never get engaged to anyone without dating them for at  least 9 months and would never marry anyone without living with them first. And we'd have to live together for a substantial amount of time. How can you really know someone without living with them? Going to sleep by their side and waking up next to them (sans make-up, combed hair, and brushed teeth). Seeing their daily habits. Showing them your good, your bad, and your ugly. You should be able to do (almost) anything in front of them you'd do on your own.  You should be able to cry in front of them (something Kim did only once in front of Kris), fart in front of them, and be sick in front of them. They should know you better than anyone else. After all, you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person. For better or worse. FOR-EV-ER.

For some reason, divorce scares the crap out of me. If I met someone, got married, and it ended in divorce, I would be so upset with myself for allowing that to happen. I would honestly feel like I failed. Like it was a character flaw on my end for not knowing this would happen. For me, divorce cannot happen. I want to get married once and stay married to that person for my entire life. There is no other option. 

My parents are still married. They've been married for over 30 years and I find that to be an amazing accomplishment. For anyone. It makes me very proud when I can tell people my parents are still together. And when I see them hold hands, it makes me giddily happy.  They are accomplishing something that over half of the country can't. Well done, Mom and Dad. I love you guys even more for that and I can only hope I achieve the same thing. 

The thing that Kim and Kris' divorce made even more clear to me is how important marriage is. It's a big freaking deal. You have to really know each other. And love each other unconditionally. Not just because its convenient for you or because you feel its just the next step you have to take (or because you will rake in $17 million for the TV special). I think Kim was so caught up with the "Fairytale Wedding", she forgot about the actual Fairytale and living the "Happily Ever After." Shame on her.

Fake Commercial, Fake Commercial

Saturday Night Live is usually known for their sketch characters and the skits they are in. It's kind of pathetic that I know this fact, but usually after the host comes out and does his/her monologue, their is is a fake commercial. You sit there for a second and think "wait, is this real?" until you recognize one or a few of the cast members in the commercial and realize how ridiculous this commercial actually is. I still remember watching SNL with my mom on the couch Sunday mornings and when the fake commercial came on, we always got so excited. We'd be "ooh ooh fake commercial...fake commercial" and brace ourselves for laughter. I still think that to myself this day when I see one. Below I have listed my top six favorite SNL commercials.

1. Schmitts Gay Buff men in Speedos. I'll take it. Even if they do like other men.

2. Homocil Aw. You don't need a pill, just some tolerance. Take it until you come around. Check out this commercial.

3. Oooops, I Crapped my Pants  Every time I have a Colitis flare-up I wish I had these. No joke.

4. Mom Jeans. "You're not a woman anymore, you're a mom." Thankfully, none of the moms I know would be caught dead in these bad boys. For some reason, YouTube took the video down, so click HERE to view.

5. Peyton Manning for United Way. See, athletes can be funny too!

And one for good luck: The Shake Weight DVD. Ok, so this fake commercial is mocking a real product and is probably one of the funniest. It's that damn girl in the pink shirt. She's in on it.

Obviously all of these are ridiculous and would never get anyone to think they were actually real. SNL needs to start stepping up their game again because their fake commercials lately have been lacking. At least I can hold onto these memories of laughing on the couch with my mom and also be grateful that she doesn't own a single pair of mom jeans. Phew.

You know how I know you're my friend?

I knew that I had good friends here in NYC. In my 7 years here, its been up and down on who was a "fun friend" and who was a "true friend." (Most are both but there are some that are just "fun friends") I can now confidently say now that the group of girls I surround myself with now are true friends.  This recently came into light because I was was pretty sick and injured (at the same time!). I have Ulcerative Colitis and recently had a bad flare-up that wouldn't go away. One night the pain was so excruciating I thought I was going to have to go to the ER. I didn't go because I hate waiting and I had my first day of work the next day. I know those sound like lame excuses if I was in the pain I say I was in. But when you are in a city where your family isn't and you are sick, its hard to think rationally. My friends knew I was sick and in pain, but it wasn't until the next day when I told them what happened the night before that they showed their true colors. Five of them yelled at me for not going to the ER and for not even calling them with the intense pain I was in. You know that scale the doctor has on the wall that goes from 1-10 asking your pain? Well I was at a 10. And I have never been a 10 before. That bad. Anyway, I know these girls weren't just saying they'd go with me, they literally scolded me for not taking care of myself and not seeing a doctor immediately. It was like having 5 of my mothers right here in New York. In hindsight, it was very stupid not to go to the ER and if I had to do it again, you better believe I would have dragged my ass to the ER and waited if need be. With all that being said, I realized what my friends would do for me. Being mostly teachers, they were all willing to give up their sleep before the first day of school to be with me and make sure I was okay. That's a big deal. And for some reason this reminded me of this scene from 40-Year Old Virgin. 

That scene always makes me laugh yet has nothing to do with this post...kind of. So here's where I am going with this...instead of a "you know how I know you're gay" list, I have a "you know how I know you're my friend" list.

So, here it is: "You know how I know you're my friend"...

1. You will hit me with force when I talk too loud about the skanky girl right in front of me. (Sorry if I have volume control problems.)
2. You don't judge me when I make clean plate club of my double Shackburger and cheese fries.
3. You will pull me back up when I am about to throw up on the street in public and make me wait it out until there is no one around.
4. You tell me the guy I am drunkenly making out with is ass-ugly and I can do better. In front of his face.
5. If either one of us in the shower and the other has to poop, we understand that need and its okay. Go right ahead and do what you need to do.
6. You will tell me that the guy I have been obsessing over is a complete loser-idiot with bad taste for not liking me back and actually mean it.
7. You offer to help me use my new suppository medicine if I need help (with rubber gloves, of course!)
8. You offer to loofah by butt before a spray tan so it won't be streaky.

As I made this list, it really made me happy knowing that without my family being here, I have people in NYC that I can trust and count on in a time of need. I just hope you guys know you have the same in me!

Fashion Don'ts From a Non-Fashionista

I am not, by any means, a fashionista. I don't claim to be one either. I am a jeans and T-shirt type of girl. Okay, okay...More like sweatpants and hoody type of girl. I dress for comfort over style 90% of the time. But when its time to get dressed up, I must admit that I do clean up well.

Although I may not follow all the trends, I am very aware of what trends are in style, what looks good and what doesn't.  I read enough fashion/style/gossip magazines to know what looks are popular and should be worn and what looks never look good on anyone no matter how skinny or pretty they are. While there are some styles that some models or celebrities can actually pull off that us real people could never do, there are some that NO ONE looks good in. Ever.

1. Clear Bra Straps. I clearly don't get it (pun intended!) You can still see them. They are clear, not invisible. They make you look cheap, and trashy. You aren't fooling anyone. Either just wear a regular bra and look equally ridiculous or go out and buy yourself a good strapless.
 
2. Denim on Denim.  I keep reading that this trend is back making a comeback. I cannot get on board with this one. I was always taught that you wear one item that is denim. Either just jeans. Or JUST a jean jacket. Not both together.

3. Ed Hardy/Christian Audigier/Smet. This apparel is usually worn by the bridge and tunnel crowd. If you are a dude and wearing this you are probably the gorilla-juicehead type (or a wannabe). You might as well just wear a nametag that says "Hello my name is Douchebag." Blech. I also find it humorous that these men pay so much money for a T-shirt with so much rhinestones, sequins, and glitter. Mucho effeminate.

4. Bikinis and high heels. This look seems to happening more and more at pool parties and beaches. If you are in a bathing suit, wear flip flops or be barefoot. Heels just make you look like you are trying too hard. Even if you have a smokin' body, wearing heels with your bikini just makes you look like a you are in a pageant or you are a stripper. Keep it classy, ladies. Courtney from Most Eligible Dallas was basically reading my mind when she gave her opinion on the issue. I was laughing hysterically when she gave her confessional about it on a recent episode. (Def click that link.)

5. Belly Chains. Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, and Rihanna wear these occasionally when photographed on the beach. And each time I see these I think how absolutely tacky they look.  I don't understand people that wear a lot of jewelery when at the beach or the pool, let alone a chain...on your belly. What's the point? I can't handle it. If a celeb looks ridic in this, a real person is going to look plain redonk. Don't do it. Please.

  6. Summer scarves. I know scarves are a fashion trend. And I like scarves. They are a necessity in the the winter and are cute in the fall and early spring as an accessory. But when it's 90 degrees out, the last thing I want on my body is extra fabric, let alone cotton, silk, linen, or whatever material it is around my neck. I understand people wanting to look cute in extreme heat, but you just look nonsensical wearing a scarf in a heat wave. Everyone knows you're hot. You aren't fooling anyone. When I look at you, I sweat more and you make me feel like I am suffocating. So basically, me not liking this trend is kind of selfish, but I also want you to be more comfortable. I got your back. When its that hot out, you can take one for the team, and just not be super fashionable for one day. I think society will understand.

One trend you'd probably be surprised that I am not against is animal prints. For some reason I am a fan of the leopard and zebra print, but not together. That is just plain unacceptable in my book. Regardless of what I think looks good, everyone is entitled to their opinion. Just know, I am judging you. And if you see me walking down the street in legit sweatpants and a hoody, feel free to snicker if you want to. I won't be offended.