There are a lot of things that cross my crazy mind day in and day out. Most of them I either keep to myself because they are beyond ridiculous and silly, while others are plain mean. I can't help it that these things come across my brain. (Most of these things seem to occur to me while on the train. Shocking, right?) I don't want to hurt someone's feelings or get jacked in the face if I say these things out loud so I keep my mouth shut. I would never think of saying them directly to the person. My judgemental tendencies can often be a little embarrassing so I just refrain from speaking. I am not proud of it, but it happens.
While I am a very open book a majority of the time either with my words (or my facial expressions), I do have a filter and know what is and is not appropriate to say. Most of the time. Somethings are just better left unsaid. So with that actually being said, here are some things that people (hopefully not just me) think but don't say out loud...
1. Invest in some Spanx. There are many woman that
wear unflattering clothes for their body type. And it doesn't
necessarily have to be that way. Their clothes might be too tight or just
not fit well because of bulges or other imperfections which are all totally normal. We are human and
don't all have the body of Victoria Secret models, but we can damn well
still look good in a tight dress if we want to. One way to solve part of
this problem is for the woman to get some Spanx. Spanx are magic. Invest in some. They
will suck you in where you need to be sucked in and even you out and make you look a few pounds thinner. Trust me, I own quite a few pairs.
TLC has done it again to me! It has created a TV show that has generated a fascination and caused me to have so many questions. Although TLC has recently been criticized for their programming choices (Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo and Breaking Amish), I must say that I have enjoyed them and actually learned many new things.
This post is a little past due because the TV show that I am going to discuss, Abby and Brittany, ended its first season a few weeks ago. I am unsure if a second season was picked up but it was recently brought up on another show I watch so it brought it to the forefront of my mind again. Last Monday on CBS's Two Broke Girls, the two main characters, Max and Caroline, were lying in bed together (as good friends do,) looking at a computer and Max joked "Seriously, I don't know how Abby and Brittany do it, because I'm uncomfortable with you even sitting this close to me." I laughed out loud. This is actually rare for me when watching TV. Then I thought, geez, there are probably so many people out there that didn't even get this joke because they don't watch all the garbage on TV that I do. They didn't watch TLC's Abby And Brittany about conjoined twins. See... all the hours of my TV viewing is paying off. I got a joke a lot of people probably didn't get on show a lot of people don't even watch. Pat on the back to me.
One of the many shows that I watch is Bravo's Miss Advised. If you haven't seen or heard of this show, its about three women, who are "dating experts" yet are all single. They all give advice to other women all over the country from their respective roles (author, matchmaker, sex expert), yet don't seem to follow their own advice when it comes to guys and dating. So that's the role I am going to play today. I am the single 30-year-old woman giving dating advice. You know, because I am such a pro at landing a man. Work with me here.
Even though its 2012, there still seems to be these "rules" out there that both guys and girls think exist and have to be followed to gain a significant other. Well, guess what? They don't. If you like someone, freaking call them. If you have sex with someone on the first date, you are not a whore or a slut. Do what feels right. I mean, really, if you know who you are and what you want, then do what you need to do. Screw the rules.
Okay, so TLC's Virgin Diaries is back! Are you as excited as I am? The last time it was on, I was horrified and entertained all at the same time. And I kind of felt dirty afterwards. And then, as quick as it arrived, it was gone. TLC only aired one-episode even though it received a lot of press about that one episode (including a hilarious blog post by moi); mainly because of "The Kiss." Ugh. Ick. Hopefully though, this time around it's not a one-time deal. Such a tease TLC. Don't play me like that this time.
This week's episode features three virgins, one guy and two girls. The girls, 29 and 32 years old, were both cute and pretty normal seeming. One was saving herself for marriage (understandable) and the other was just looking for the right guy to do it with for her first time (she succeeded). There wasn't much to say about the girls because they did seem pretty normal and just happened to be virgins at an older age which isn't a huge deal, but the guy, on the other hand, was odd to say the least.
So this is Skippy...
Skippy, the 33-years-old male Mormon who still lives in his parent's basement was our weirdo this episode. Virgin or no virgin, this guy was bizarre. There are two things that Skippy wants us to know off the bat about himself: 1) He collects T-shirts with his name and 2) He collects his own belly button lint. In a jar. Did you just throw up in your mouth for a second reading that? Because when I watched it, I definitely did. GROSS!! (This isn't even a joke. I couldn't make that up if I tried.)
As the weather gets nicer and nicer and my tanorexia sets in, my need
to be outside more and more increases, and so does my desire to read. As
big of a TV fan as I am, summer shoes are just okay and my DVR rarely has
more than 3 shows on it at once. The combination of weather and bad
summer TV gives me the opportunity to get in a lot more reading. I often
do it by the pool, at the beach, or laying in Central Park. With that being said, one of the most popular trilogies right now that everyone is
talking about is 50 Shades of Grey by E.L James.
I kept hearing about
this book wherever I would go. Women of all ages were talking about it. My Facebook newsfeed was all abuzz about it. So of course I had to find out what all the fuss is about. But here's
where it gets tricky. This is not your normal chick lit read. This is
kind of soft core porn/erotica that has somehow become mainstream and
totally acceptable to read. First it was available only on e-readers,
then the paperbacks came out. What this means also is at first when women
were reading it, no one else really knew it because it was on their Kindle, Nook, or iPad and no one could see the cover of the book. Now if
someone is reading the real-deal book version, everyone knows. And lord help those nosey people that look over someone's shoulder on the train (I am raising my hand here!) to see what they are reading. They will probably blush quite a bit.
As defined by urbandictionary.com, a booty call is "a phone call, page, or conversation aimed at getting into your pants. Not an invite to a movie or dinner, not just coffee, not a casual or formal get-together, just a plain old-fashioned 'let's fuck.'' This day in age, a booty call is more like a booty text, but lets not get into semantics here. I mean, really, who even has a pager anymore?
I would like to add to their definition and also define a booty call not as the actual call itself, but the person you are calling. That person becomes your booty call.
So do you have a booty call? Or more than one booty call? (Or are you someone else's booty call?) There are just so many questions! What are your booty call rules? If you even have any rules?
On Sunday night a new show premiered on TLC called The Virgin Diaries. And let me tell you, I could not turn away. At all. The show features men and women that are virgins and follows their story lines for one episode. This first episode followed an engaged couple (aged 27 and 29), a single 35-year-old man, and 3 single female virgin roommates (aged 29, 29, and 30). One of these girls is a born-again/reclaimed virgin, and frankly, that doesn't count to me. Sorry Sweetheart.
I usually don't stay up to watch these shows but this one really piqued my interest and had me up past my bedtime. Screw the DVR tonight, I wanted to watch this bad boy in real time. And man was I glad I stayed up. This shit was fantastic. I mean, think about it...Do you know any 30 year old virgins? Or even any 20-year old virgins? Most likely not, so therefore our fascination with them increases ten-fold. This is probably the reason TLC decided to do a show on it. Brillz.
Now hear me out, I understand if someone wants to save their virginity until their wedding night. Completely legit. Your virginity is something very special to give your partner. Props to you for holding onto it. That is not that path I would take, but good for them. To each their own. I am a firm believer in test driving the car before you buy it whether you are virgin or not to begin with. (It's not worth the risk of getting a lemon...if you know what I mean. I mean, ask Charlotte in SATC!) I am sure saving yourself for marriage takes a lot of self control, and it will make the wedding night that much more special, but that is not in the cards for me. In fact, that ship has sailed. And its far, far away.
Not to be outdone by straight up virgins, there is also one couple on the show, that takes saving themselves to a whole other level: They haven't even kissed on the lips. They are also saving that for their wedding day. I mean, really? Who has that kind of self-control? And with someone they love? But let me tell you, that first kiss...it was just....wow. Look out. As soon as the priest said "You may kiss the bride" there was an awkward pause between the couple and then WHOMP, they started kissing like they were eating each others faces off. And there was no stopping them for the rest of the night. Even their families found it humorous slash repulsive. I of course, could not look away. I covered my mouth in horror and shock. Is this for real? Why yes, yes it is.
Waiting to kiss someone is for sure not even an option with me. I couldn't imagine not kissing someone within the first three dates, let alone a whole courting and engagement. I mean, that's just plain weird. (But this is coming from the girl who has made out with multiple dudes in one evening.) I just don't get it. That must take some serious restraint (and even more serious male (and female) blue balls). Ouch.
On top of being virgins, these people obviously don't drink alcohol either (also fine, but not my thing) or else the kissing and/or sex would (or should) have happened already. Casey, the 35 year-old virgin, who isn't necessarily a virgin by choice, went on a first date with one woman and revealed his virginity status to her to which she replied "Didn't you ever get hammered in college?" and then told the camera in her confessional "He needs to get hammered....and find a girl...that's hammered. And Just do it." Hahahaha. Truth. Right there. I mean, honestly, I truly think that anyone if someone, male or female, wants to get laid on any given night, it can be done. A dark bar, lots of alcohol, and little shame. Done and done. Happens all the time. All the time.
However, on the flip side, I completely understand if you've waited this long already, you really should save it for someone special. And you def should. But yes, the pressure will continue to mount. If you are like Casey and just want to "get it over with," I am sure you can find many willing participants that do not include prostitutes (which his mother suggested to him). So get on that...literally AND figuratively.
Overall, this show was seriously fascinating and I cannot wait to tune in next week and see who they feature. And if you missed it on Sunday, find it on your guide and set your DVR. Now.
The one night stand. It happens. I know more than my fair share of ladies that have had them. They went out, met someone attractive, and took him home for a night of unadulterated (and hopefully safe) fun. It's really no biggie. Or is it? Depends who you ask I guess. Do you have that super judgmental friend that chastises you even when you have a random make-out in the bar (why are you friends with her anyway?) or do you have that friend that high-fives you and pumps you for deets when you tell her about your latest conquest?
One night stands can be tricky. The guy is usually random. You probably met him at a party or in a bar and didn't want the night to end with him right then and there so you guys decide to go home together. This is where it can get a little complicated. Does he expect you to give it up? Or are you just going to have a hot and heavy all-clothes-remain-on make-out sesh? Or you know, "everything but"? It's pretty much up to YOU what's going to happen. And sometimes this depends if you want this to be a one night stand or not. I mean, you're drunk and he's definitely not Mr. Right, but most certainly Mr. Right Now, so why not?
Things shouldn't be awkward at night because you can't wait to get home and get it on, but its in the morning where things might start to get weird. You guys wake up and just stare at the ceiling not knowing what to say, maybe engage in another round of whatever it is you did last night, small talk a bit, or maybe just lay there and cuddle. Or maybe you wake up before him, grab your stuff and bolt out of his apartment before he even realizes you are gone? Smooth. If you do stay and have to converse or more in the morning, how do you know when its time to go? You don't want to be the creepy girl that just sticks around overstaying your welcome and aren't realizing you should have left an hour ago. You just aren't getting it. Don't do that.
So how do you leave it? Do you legitimately expect to see this guy again? No. Do you care? No. That is the point of a one night stand. But this does factor into the goodbye. Do you ask for his number (and last name (and/or first name) if you didn't get it last night or already forgot)? Do you wait for him to ask you for yours? (Remember, if you or him have no intention of contacting each other, don't even bother.) Do you kiss him goodbye? If yes, on the cheek? On the lips? With tongue? Do you just hug it out? Do you high-five or fist-pump, say you had a great time, and call it a morning? Or just give a quick "bye" and exit in a rush dreading your walk of shame home?
However it is you leave it, its probably going to be awkward. I mean, you guys just met a few hours ago and have already seen each other naked in unflattering angles. Chances are you won't see this guy again. He used you for S-E-X and if you are the type of girl that I would hope you are, you used him for the very same thing. No harm done. (If you are the type of girl that gets attached, these one-night stands aren't for you so stop already.) As long as you had a good time and get to sleep it off the rest of the day and have a good story for your friends, I am sure it was worth it. And if it wasn't, you can always give it a go with someone new the next time you go out. No judgement here.
There are a lot of things that cross my crazy mind day in and day out. Most of them I either keep to myself because they are beyond ridiculous and silly, while others are plain mean. I can't help it that these things come across my brain. (Most of these things seem to occur to me while on the train. Shocking, right?) I don't want to hurt someone's feelings or get jacked in the face if I say these things out loud so I keep my mouth shut. I would never think of saying them directly to the person. My judgemental tendencies can often be a little embarrassing so I just refrain from speaking. I am not proud of it, but it happens.
