Living in a city where you can really only get tan during one season a year can be a struggle for someone like me because I have a huge probem: I hate being pale. I have a mild case of tanorexia and when I am pale, I feel like I look sickly and fat and that is really not a good way to go through life. And when I am tan (usually after vacay or in the summer), I never quite feel I am tan enough. It's a problem. But I am really trying to work on it and mellow out a bit. The thing is, little tan on my skin gives me more confidence and a little more pep in my step. I do not need to be "I just stepped off a beach tan" out of season but I need a little color in my face and legs in order feel good about myself. It's kind of a problem.
I didn't start tanning until college. While a bunch of my friends would go in high school before dances or to get a base before a vacation, it kind of freaked me out. Yeah, I would be jealous when they showed their little sticker tan lines of hearts or playboy bunnies that proved they actually had gotten color, but I didn't succumb to the peer pressure. The first time I went tanning was my junior year of college. And let me tell you, I loved it. I bought tanning packages in the winter of both my junior and senior year of college and loved being tan in the winter. (These were also the first years my family didn't go on vacation winter break so I didn't have a natural "winter tan".) I wasn't Jersey Shore orange or totally unseasonably tan, but I kept a good base up consistently. And I loved it.
When I moved to New York tanning was WAY too expensive. My summer tan usually lasts until mid-fall and by Thanksgiving I always felt like a pasty mess. But it was what it was. Come February, I would head to Florida for a mini-vacay with the g.p's I'd survive the rest of the winter with self-tanner. That was until recently. I went away on vacation last winter break and then again in Febrauary so was able to maintain my tan pretty much all winter, but when spring rolled around and I felt pale again, I had to do something about it...so I found a tanning salon by my apartment and went. I sucked it up and paid the ridiculous amount, but man, did it feel good. When you are in those beds, you can just close your eyes and picture yourself on a beach again, at least for those 10-15 minutes. So. Good. Then I went again. And again until my package ran out which perfectly coincided with the natural spring sun just quite strong enough to get me to the summer.Again this fall and winter, when I was feeling especially down and the self tanner just wasn't cutting it anymore, I decided that I was going to use all the money I saved by staying in (because I felt so fat and gross) on tanning to make myself feel better. And you know what, it did make me feel better. Although I know that tanning can be addictive and also cause skin cancer (that does run in my family), I cannot fight the urge right now. I took a good 8 years off, but sometimes that urge just becomes too much and sunless tanner just isn't enough. I just feel that I lead such a healthy lifestyle that by allowing myself to do this occasionally, I am increasing my mental health, and I just hope and pray it doesn't bite me in the butt when I am older. There is a reason why I have been using wrinkle cream for the past three years! I just hope this recent case of tanorexia goes away or summer comes early.
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