Why can't I picture it?

I am of the age where most of my friends are either married already or getting married very soon. That means that I have been to a few weddings in the last few years. In the last two years, two of my best friends have gotten married and I could not have been happier for them. They both found great men who I have no doubt they will spend the rest of their lives with. (Of course none of these men have men to set me up with, but that's a whole other story.)

Here's the thing with weddings: I tend to cry. And I am not ashamed to admit it, its a pretty normal thing. (I even cried watching Khloe and Lamar get married on their E! special. What is wrong with me?) And to be honest, I am not sure why I cry. I think some of the tears are happy tears for my friends. They have found their soul mates and that is hard to do. But mostly, I think I cry because I am sad for myself. Will this ever happen for me? Will I ever be the one walking down the aisle with my father? I fear I won't be. I can't close my eyes and picture myself doing that. I want to. I try to. But for some reason I can't. Even when I was dating my ex-boyfriend, I couldn't do it. He could, but I could not. And whenever he would bring up the possibility of us getting married, I would totally freak out. This is so not the usual girl response.  Once again, what is wrong with me?

I don't know why I can't picture myself getting married. My parents have been married for over 30 years so it's not like I don't have a role model couple to look up to. And it isn't because I don't want a wedding. I do. I can picture some aspects of it. I know what kind of dress I want. (In fact, I want two dresses. One for the ceremony and one for the reception. Duh.) I know what kind of cake I want. And the playlist for the reception is already in my head. I am actually pretty sure I would have a kick-ass wedding. But who will be there standing by my side? I just don't know if its in my future. And to be honest, it makes me sad that I can't see it ahead of me. I know deep down its because I haven't met the right person YET. And I stress yet.  Until then, I will continue to be the girl with the mascara running down her face pretending its no big deal. And hopefully one day, I will able to close my eyes and realize that soon it will others crying while watching me walk down the aisle.