Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Evolution of Technology

Growing up, we had pretty limited ways to communicate with the opposite sex. It was pretty much talk to them in person or call them on the phone. Lame. This is probably the reason that people of my generation seem to have slightly better interpersonal and social skills than those born ten years later.  Although we do rely heavily on technology, part of me is very glad that Facebook and text messaging didn't exist when I was in high school and college. I fear it would have gotten me in many more embarrassing situations than it already has. As an adult, I sometimes make bad decisions using my phone while drunk, so I can't imagine what kind of damage I could have done in my wilder, more immature days. 

Back in the day when I liked a guy, I would freak out about what I was going to say on the phone if I called him.  I would totally plan it out in my head on what I would say and hope there were not awkward pauses during our conversation.  Sometimes, I would actually hope his answering machine would pick up so I could leave a message and he'd have to call back and start the conversation. You see, when I was in middle school and high school, there were no cell phones (although I did have car phone in my car in high school. Yes, I was that cool. Still am. Some things don't change.)  Back then, you'd have to actually call a boy at his house. Sometimes if he didn't have his own phone line, his parents would even answer and you'd have to be super polite when asking to talk to speak to him.  In college, myself and most of my friends got our first cell phones, but if you liked someone, you still had to actually call them on the phone. Annoying. Nerve-wracking. AIM became very big so you could IM your crush if you had their screenname. And once you had that, you could also totally creep their away messages and see what they were up to until AIM came up with that feature that showed how many times people saw your away message. Buzzkill.

I know I am totally dating myself, but at the end of senior year of college, text messaging started to become all the rage. I still remember my very first text message. My phone had this weird icon and kept beeping and I had no idea what was going on. I finally read this message but had no idea what it was and how to respond. Eventually I got the hang of it and haven't looked back since. Also senior year of college, Friendster was kind of something of a social networking tool, but we weren't totally sure what exactly, but it wasn't a big of a deal at all.  Next came MySpace which was a social networking phenomena until Facebook came on the scene and changed everything. Everything.

Nowadays if you meet a guy and like him, you can first Facebook stalk him. Obvi. Usually this is pretty easy to do but can have mixed results. Is his profile is so private that you can't get any new info? (Annoying.) Or is his wall and and all his pics available to see? (This equates to him being too dumb to update his privacy setting. Ugh.) If you like what you see or can't find anything, this is usually followed up with the text. You have to be careful here because you don't want to have just a texting relationship which can build high expectations in your head and then fizzle fast.

No one picks up the phone to make an actual call these days. And usually if they do, I am impressed.  If I actually am interested in you, I will answer your call, but more often than not, I don't, because lets be honest, if I barely want to text you, what makes you think I actually want to talk to you? But I have to admit, I sometimes wish it was "normal" to just pick up the phone and talk for a while instead of texting back and forth. And this is coming from someone who doesn't even really like talking on the phone. You can accomplish so much more getting to know someone a bit in a half hour phone convo versus a two hour texting convo.  However, some people, myself included on occasion, feel that they can be more outgoing via text or even FB messaging. You can type what you want and edit it before you press send to make sure its perfect. I get it. And I do the same thing sometimes, but I really do miss an old fashioned phone call asking me out on a date. It's still okay over text, but it lacks the intimacy of a phone call.

All of these communication technology tools have been incredible and I am sure it will only continue to improve. But as it gets better, I feel that social skills, especially involving courting and dating, will continue to get worse and I am not okay with this, especially in my singledom. Things don't need to get even harder. Even though I sometimes benefit from this technology because someone that might not have picked up the phone would not have asked me out does via text, and vice-versa, but this is probably one the big reasons relationships these days aren't as strong and last as long as they should.  I am hoping that in the future, if you really like someone, its worth just picking up the phone. Believe me, I am worth it.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Pathetic...Party of One

Hey you! Yeah, you over there. The one I have had a crush on for the last 7 months. Why do I still like you? For some reason, I have this crush on you that I cannot shake. You are nothing special. At all. And yet, I am strangely drawn to you. What is my problem?

You so very obviously don't like me. And I know this. You have no desire to date me. After going out a few times together, I blew it. We both know what happened and don't need to relive it. But I def blew it and you have every right to not be interested anymore. I get it.

I like you and yet you don't like me. You have even said so much to my face. (Well not exactly. You told me you didn't want to date anyone right now. But we both know by anyone, you meant me. I am not an idiot, you know.) Yep, brutal. Yet I can't help but think you are going to come around and realize how much you do, in fact, like me and want me to be your girlfriend. I mean, really? This NEVER happens and this isn't going to be the exception. Seriously, what is my problem? I know you suck. For reals. My friends tell me how much you suck. You possess so many qualities that generally turn me off someone. But I am still attracted to you. This is so NOT like me. At all. In fact, I never get hung up on guys. Usually, I have the feeling of "your loss sucker" and move on. But not with you. Which is weird too because I have never had more clear signals that someone is not interested in me and have that attract me even more. I feel like a character in a bad movie. But alas, this is my real life and I need to get over you. ASAP. Pathetic...party of one.

I think my problem is that I like you because you don't like me back. I think that's pretty much it. I like the chase. I want what I can't have. I am also very aware that the second that we'd actually start to date, I'd get annoyed and irritated with you after about two weeks, and want to end it. Yet I still like you. Why is that? What is wrong with me? I can't be the only one this happens to? Can I? Apparently I like to torture myself. I will get over you. Eventually. Maybe you should just date me one more time so we can get this whole charade over with?! Uh huh, yeah.

Friday, November 25, 2011

I want in on that Island

As previously mentioned, I DVR Saturday Night Live every Saturday night. One of my favorite players on SNL is Andy Samberg. I don't know what it is about him, but he cracks me up.  He just seems like a nice, normal Jewish guy which is why its so strange that I have a crush on him. Physically, he is almost exactly the opposite of what I am attracted to (big nose, Jew fro, not so great teeth, short, pale, etc...) but his sense of humor is just so sexy to me. Proof positive, I am not that shallow and personality does increase attractiveness. (Plus I know my mom would approve of him!)
Andy is part of a group called The Lonely Island and they frequently perform digital shorts for SNL. They are songs with music videos, usually with awesome cameos, that if they weren't so ridiculous would probably be hit songs played on the radio all the time. Andy, along with Akiva Schaffer and Jorma Taccone, who also make up The Lonely Island, have released two CD's as well. Some of the digital shorts have become quite famous because of their ridiculousness and awesomeness. Below are my five favorite Lonely Island digital shorts. 

1. Dick in a Box. Whenever JT comes on SNL, you know he is going to team up with Andy to make an amazing video. This one inspired awesome Halloween costumes and a great to-do list for any well-to-do gentleman. 
1. Cut a hole in a box
2. Put your junk in a box
3. Make her open the box.

2. Mother Lover.  For anyone who thought Dick in a Box could not be outdone, this one was pretty darn close. Incredible cameos (and wardrobe choices) in this video that was perfect for Mother's day.

3. I Just Had Sex. I even saw this song performed in concert when Akon opened for Usher this year in NJ. Sometimes after a successful night out I want to sing this from the rooftops. Aaaah. Kidding. 

4. I'm On a Boat. A little T-Pain and some autotune. What could be bad? In this case...nothing. Just don't forget your flippy floppies.

5. Jizz in My Pants. Hahahaha. Jizz. Hilarious. Once again, great cameos. And you can't beat the facial expressions of these guys. This song/video is so good it makes me want to jizz in my pants. 
6. Lazy Sunday. This was probably the first big bit hit from the group. Along with Chris Parnell, Andy describes his adventures on a Sunday to see The Chronicles of Narnia. Sounds dumb, right? It's completely brilliant. For some reason, YouTube doesn't have the video for this, just the song on a blank screen. Go HERE to see the video in its entirety. Trust me, its worth it.

Honorable Mentions: Threw it on the Ground, The Creep, Shy Ronnie, and Like a Boss.

If you couldn't get enough of the songs/videos above, def check out the honorable mentions on YouTube as they are pretty hilarious as well. Heck, after listening to these again, I think it might be time to add some to my iPod.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thanksgiving with my Fave Person

I am not going home to Chicago for Thanksgiving this year. I have lived in NYC for about eight years and have gone home for Thanksgiving a total of three times. The first time was because it was my first year away from home so of course I had to go. The second time I had a wedding the previous weekend and just stayed until the following Sunday (thank god for my super nice principal who granted me those three personal days!). And the third time was last year for my ten-year high school reunion which was that weekend. You see, I love my family with all my heart, but flying out of NYC the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and coming home the Sunday after is no walk in the park. In fact, it is awful. Lines are long, people are grouchy, and usually my flights are delayed. All for a rushed weekend at home. It's not worth the anxiety for me. Yes, I know its one of the most special holidays of the year, but my family understands why I don't come home. They are more concerned about what their little girl does all day on Thanksgiving in NYC all by herself. Well that's easy, I hang out with my favorite person in the world: myself. We have a great little day together; one that I actually look forward to. Is that weird?

I get offers to go to friend's houses for Thanksgiving in Long Island, New Jersey, etc... but if I can't be with my own family, I don't want to be with someone else's. That makes me sad. I'd rather be by myself. For some reason, that is not as depressing for me. Does that make sense at all?

I have my Thanksgiving Day all planned out and I am hoping the weather cooperates. You see, in a city like NYC, there is actually plenty to do on Thanksgiving day. And if there wasn't, I would also be just as happy laying around in my sweatpants watching movies all day. (But I don't want to do that because I will have the rest of the weekend to do that if need be. ) Lots of people are alone on Thanksgiving here. Some people have a "friendsgiving" while others have what they call "NYC orphans Thanksgiving" and invite all the people that have nowhere to go for the holiday. I have been invited, but never attended these kind of events for the same reason I don't take my friends up on their offer to go to their homes for the holiday. I am fine alone. One year I was here my roommate and I went out for a Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant in the neighborhood. It was meh. Another year my boyfriend at the time and I cooked our own feast which actually came out delicious. And two years ago I spent the morning with a friend and the rest of the day wandering around getting lost in this wonderful city. I am really looking forward to doing something like that again. It's rare to find days where the city feels so empty. And I kind of like it. Makes it more homey.

So what am I am going to do on my turkey day? I am super excited to sleep in (ha...who am I kidding with that one?), relax for a bit, and then head out to watch Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade live. I use to watch it on TV when I was a little kid and to be able to see it live still thrills me each time. I love seeing the giant balloons and the celebrities singing. But the thrill only lasts for about a half hour or so and then I get bored. I will then walk downtown with the parade and then veer off to do some shopping. Old Navy will be open. Walgreens (one of my three favorite stores!) will be open. And other stores are usually open along the way. I will dilly dally around the city and eventually make my way back home, hopefully after snagging a good deal or two, and then shower and put on my sweats. By this time, I will be exhausted and will prob throw in an early movie and make myself a microwave dinner. Don't feel bad. I don't really like Thanksgiving food that much anyway. The starches yes, but not so much to everything else. I don't miss it. I am actually grateful to not have that caloric bomb of a meal. One less thing to stress over. After my meal, I will prob watch some more TV and call it a night. But don't worry, I will have most likely talked to my family at least five times that day, checking in multiple times, reassuring them I am okay and having a great day.

To some people, this day sounds awful. But to me, its kind of fun. Do I wish I was home with my family? Of course. Do I wish my family would come to NYC for Thanksgiving? Dying to have them do that! But it's not happening this year, so I am going to make the best of it and enjoy my day. Happy Thanksgiving all.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Comforts of Suburbia

Although I consider myself a New Yorker now, I was born and raised in the suburbs of Chicago. I never actually lived in the city of Chicago, so I grew up a very suburban life. And I loved it every second of it. After all, we know how "fast" those city kids grow up.

But even though I love living in NYC, there are some suburban comforts that I miss and that I definitely took for granted all these years. When I do go home, I get so excited to do some of these things that I accomplish them all in one day and then spend the rest of my visit bored. So what suburban Chicago comforts do I miss the most?

1) Driving to Target and Costco. Yes, there is now both a Target and a Costco in Manhattan. It also happens to be located a few blocks from where I work which is a total score. I often will run over on my lunch break to pick up a few things if I have time. But here's the thing, city Targets are often so picked over. They run out of stuff so freaking fast. If I can't find something there, I will look online, but sometimes I even have to have my mom run over to the local Target and pick up what I want and send it to me. And without a car, a visit to Costco can sometimes be a difficult task. I can only get a few things at a time and that are easily transportable by bus/train. I can't do a one stop shop. I have to make multiple trips or wait for one of my fantastic friends with a car can take me. I love them for that. And I would never even attempt to head over there on the weekends because its a zoo. It's crowded on the weekends at home, but not unbearable like it is here.

2) Chain Restaurants: Chili's and Cheesecake Factory especially. NYC is home to some of the best restaurants in the country, yet sometimes I just want some Chili's chips and ranch (AMAZING!) or a big salad from the Cheesecake Factory. I really think that Cheesecake Factory would kill it here so I always wonder why there isn't one. After all, there are two California Pizza Kitchen's here that do pretty well (not to mention many other not-nearly-as-good chains.)

3) The mall. Specifically Old Orchard and Northbrook Court. Just like with food, NYC has some of the beset shopping in the world. Big flagship stores and cute little boutiques. However, they can be pretty crowded and pretty spread out throughout the city. And the Manhattan Mall on 34th is a joke. When you hit a suburban mall, you get every store you pretty much want all under one roof. And you usually get a Nordstrom too. I miss their shoe department the most. So great. Sigh.

4) Walking barefoot around the neighborhood. Would you walk barefoot on the streets of NYC by choice? Nope. I am not going to lie, but I have walked home drunk and barefoot more times than I can count. I am not proud of it, but sometimes high heels and drunkenness is not the best combination at 3 am. I do however, keep on the lookout for hypodermic needles and glass. Obvi. I am not that dumb. At home, I walk my block barefoot. Feet in the grass. Crossing the street to the neighbors. Shooting hoops in the driveway. Who needs shoes? Puh-lease.

5) Proximity to the Beach. I love the beach. So much. I grew up as a Lake Michigan girl and am not a huge fan of the ocean. As a family we use to go to the beach often and in high school I went all the time, day and night. We were that close to it. A quick 20-minute drive and we were there. In Manhattan, a trip to the beach is an all day (or weekend long) schlep out to Long Island or the Jersey Shore. They are nice beaches, but I miss the lake. And don't even ask why I don't head to Coney Island for the beach. Ick.

As much as I miss these comforts of home, there are so many parts of New York that I would miss tremendously if/when I leave this great city. Growing up with the above comforts/habits has made me who I am today and that is why I miss them so much and make sure to partake in them (and so many other Chicago things) when I go home. But would it really be so bad for a Cheesecake Factory or Nordstrom to open here?  C'mon now.

Monday, November 21, 2011

GUEST POST: The Non-date date

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy says, “Hey, I like spending time with you. You are also very (pretty/smart//funny). I would like to take you on a date.” Girl likes boy. Girl replies, “Oh, that sounds like fun.” Boy says, “Awesome. Let’s get (drinks/coffee/ice cream). How does (semi-hip but not too fancy bar/hipster coffee house/ Serendipity) on (Friday/Saturday/Sunday) at (7/8/9).” Girl exclaims, “Perfect! I will see you then. It’s a DATE.”

In a perfect world, this is how things would go down. It’s not brain surgery after all, it’s just dating. However, it seems now a days we lack communication skills and are always looking to save face. Therefore, the scenario more often than not, goes like this: Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy sends girl a Facebook message that says something along the lines of:  Hey, so great running into you the other day. If you are ever in midtown (i.e. where I live and work), let me know. I will buy you a drink. I know a really great bar where they always have $2 beer specials. Let me know.

Clearly, I swoon over messages like this. Facebook Guy is basically saying, hey if you are in a location that is convenient for me, at a time that works for me, than I am more than willing to buy you a $2 drink. I will not call it a date. I will make it seem as CASUAL as possible. I will actually make you set up the entire thing, but don’t forget, I will buy you a beer. So, the question is: Is this a date?

If you weren’t sure, Facebook Guy is real, and Facebook Guy did pay for my drinks that night. We had fun, but the whole time I had no idea if this was just two friends drinking where one friend paid for the other, OR if this was a date. He didn’t try to kiss me when the non-date-date was over, therefore I declared it was NOT a date. Maybe he was deciding if he wanted to date me with a “trial date.” Maybe I didn’t pass the test, which was why he didn’t try to kiss me. Fair enough, Facebook Guy. To my surprise, a week or so later, he asked me out again. Or rather, suggested we see a movie together. In which he paid for my ticket. I insisted on buying the pre-movie drink, as if we were just going to be going out as friends, it was only fair. We drank, saw the movie, had a good old time again, and then NOTHING. No kiss. No, “Hey this was really great and you’re pretty and I would like to date you, but I am too nervous to make the move to kiss you right now, but know that in a few more dates it’s going to happen.” Nope. None of that. I am usually pretty patient, but when he tried to take me out again I was so confused on what the situation was that I just could not bring myself to say yes. I could not go on any more non-date-dates with Facebook Guy. The non-relationship was over.

What is the moral of this story? The moral is simple: Be clear with your intentions. If Facebook Guy wanted to to just be my friend then he should not have paid for my drinks/movie tickets. If Facebook Guy wanted to date me he should have asked me on a date. I know it isn’t easy. I am surprisingly shy when it comes to matters of the heart. I am not always the best communicator. However, knowing what I know now, if I EVER ask anyone out I will use the word DATE in the sentence. If they aren’t interested in dating me I’d like to know sooner rather than later, and if they do want to date me, I would like to know that I am indeed on a date so that when I try to kiss them at their door when I walk them home (yeah I’m classy, what of it?) they won’t be thrown off. They will simply say, “That was an amazing date. Thank you for kissing me goodnight. I will CALL you tomorrow.” And then he will!
Author: The Gu

Friday, November 18, 2011

I. Must. Have. This.

I have said it many times before. I watch a lot of TV. Usually I don't watch it live and fast forward commercials. However, usually Saturday and Sunday mornings I have nothing left on my DVR so I watch live TV.  Since I am an early riser, I usually catch some interesting commercials, especially the infomercials. Now I have never ordered off one of these before, but they are always so tempting. I mean, who didn't want a Ginsu knife back in the day? They freaking cut cans!

Walgreens now even has a "As Seen on TV" section and there is as "As Seen on TV" store at one of the Flea Markets in Boca Raton where you can buy this stuff. (I will admit I bought the Perfect Pancake from Walgreens....and a Snuggie. Okay, and Bump-It which I later returned because it didn't work. Shocking.) Infomercials are also just like a live version of SkyMall magazine on airplanes and everything looks so awesome. Who orders from that magazine anyway? Besides Barney Stinson, that is.

Anyway, there are some infomercials that are straight-up ridiculous and some that are seriously awesome. And then there are straight-up-ridiculously-awesome infomercials, like the ones I've listed below. These are ones that I find so mind-blowing, that I seriously considered ordering even though I totally have no use or space for them. Good thing I have a little self-control.

1. Forever Lazy My new favorite. This new lounge gear might give the Snuggie some competition. They are like feetsie pajamas without the feet. Game on.

2. Pajama Jeans. Why yes, I love stylish sexy jeans AND comfy pajama bottoms. So apparently this is just up my alley. However, these look like they'd be unflattering on everyone and I would never actually wear them in public, but I love the concept. But are they really actually different from jeggings (which I do own!)?

3. Flex Seal. I don't own a home nor do I have anything that needs to be repaired. But for some reason, I find that I need this in my life. This commercial was that convincing. I mean, it's a handy man in a can. What can be bad? I want to experiment on so many things with it.
4. Swivel Store Organizer. I only have like 6 spices in my kitchen so this is totally unnecessary for me, but I really want it. I love organizational tools. They make everything look so tidy. What I do find hard to believe about this product though is the fact that its super easy to set up.

5. Slushy Magic. I just recently saw this and it looks pretty incredible. I love slushies, smoothies, milkshakes...basically most things blended. If I could make most of my beverages that way (think Four Loko slushie!!), it would be pretty awesome. This product seems to do the trick. I. Must. Have. This.
All of these are pretty awesome and there is so much more out there that I would love to buy (Shake Weight, anyone?). If I had unlimited funding and space, I feel I would probably own a lot of these things plus SkyMall stuff too. They are just so darn convincing in these infomercials. I mean, everything looks so life-changing. But do they really work and do as promised? I guess there's only way to find out.... Pick up that phone and of course you will get yours for a very special price. And if there is buy one, get one free, you know I call dibs on the second one!

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Having a crush can be fun. Having a crush can be miserable. They make you feel good about yourself. And then they make you feel miserable. First you are confident. Then you are questioning yourself. They make you shiver with excitement. Then they make you cry out of disappointment. Ugh. Why even bother? How can having a crush on someone make you feel so many emotions?

You finally find someone you are actually attracted to which is relief. He's cute. He's funny. He's a nice dresser. He has a nice, athletic body. He has a good job. And he seems normal. So why is he still single? Probably the same reason you are. Is it a coincidence that no one has realized how awesome either one of us is yet? Maybe we are perfect for each other! Or...maybe he's just as picky as you? Or he has a severe flaw you haven't uncovered yet.

When you guys first meet there is definitely an initial attraction and there are some mini sparks flying. There is the good eye contact. The slight touching on the arm. It's exciting. You guys decide to make a plan to go out again for drinks. You are beyond excited. How many days until you see him again? What are you going to wear? Should we kiss on the first date if it goes well? The night finally arrives and you guys have a great time drinking and talking. There are no awkward pauses. There is a lot of smiling and laughing. You didn't want to the night to end. You agree a great time was had by all and def want to see each other again.  Man, this crush thing is pretty exciting. You are all girly and giddy and its actually kind of fun. But what's the next move? Do you call/text him or wait for him to initiate contact? This is where the whole having-a-crush sucks. You don't want to wait. You want to find out when you will hang out next. And then when you don't hear anything for a day or so, you start to get bummed. Out goes girly and giddy and in comes rejected and sad. Maybe he didn't have as good a time as you did? Maybe you read his signals wrong? How could you be that stupid? Why are you questioning yourself so damn much? This isn't fun anymore. This crush is driving you crazy. Three days go by and finally, he calls and asks you if you want to grab drinks again. Phew. Now you are happy again. This whole up, down, up, down feeling of having this crush really isn't fun. Why can't it be easier?

I think that when you have a crush on someone there is always that potential that it could lead to something more serious if its mutual and things go as well in person as they do in your head. But if your crush doesn't reciprocate, it can be kind of upsetting and can deter you for going for someone else. It's hard not to get your hopes up when you meet someone you actually really like, because it happens so sporadically (at least for me). But just take a chance and if its right, there will be no ups and downs and no questions. Things will just fall into place. And who knows, maybe that crush will turn into your boyfriend or husband.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I wanna stop being polite, and start getting real

I have said it once and I'll say it again: I still watch The Real World. I also watch all the Challenges MTV still puts together with former Real World alums, Road Rules alums, and even new "Fresh Meat". Man, would I love to be one of those Fresh Meat people and get on a challenge. For the longest time, I had wanted to be on one of those three shows, but now I am just too old. Damn. Harsh reality. I would make for good reality TV too I think. I like to party, I am super athletic and would be a great competitor, and I can talk shit with the best of them.  However, I am not gay, have not had a life-changing traumatic event happen to me, or have a very bizarre name. Those are usually the key to getting cast on one of these shows. But since I can't join them, I just watch them and assure myself I would kick ass and be the star of the show, natch. So with that, I sat down and really thought of all the many seasons of RW, RR, and the Challenges that I have endured and picked my 5 favorite and 5 least favorite alums. Some of them were benign at best on their original seasons on RW or RR but really became loved or hated because of their behavior and performance on the Challenges. When money is involved like it is in the challenges, people can change. 

5 Favorite RW/RR/Challenge Alums:
1. LeRoy, RW: Las Vegas.  Leroy was just on one of the most recent seasons. He was a man-whore (which I usually am grossed out by) but the fact he walked around with his shirt off plenty of times changed my tune. Damn. Smokin' hot bod. His bromance with Mike was unexpected and awesome.

2. Tonya, RW: Chicago. Tonya is known as one of the craziest in RW history. I mean, she is certifiable, which makes for awesome TV. She was nuts on her RW season, but took it up several notches on the challenges. I even actually felt bad for her on some occasions.

3. Kenny, The Challenge: Fresh Meat. Kenny is cute, he has a nice body, he's kind of funny and he talks a lot of shit. A lot. He says what a lot of people think and he does decently well in the challenges. A Jersey boy who sometimes frequents NYC...hmmm....maybe I will run into him one of these days?!

4. Coral, RW: Back to NY. On her season, Coral was kind of annoying. She had a huge chip and her shoulder and was rude. Once she began appearing on the Challenges, I developed an appreciation for her and began to really root for her.

5. CT, RW: Paris. That body. That accent. That smile. Let's face it, CT is smokin' hot. He may have a temper and severe anger management problems, but I like the guy. There is something about him (well actually quite a few things) that make me find him extremely attractive. He is also very strong and just dominates most challenges. A prime physical specimen. Drool.

Honorable Mentions: Colin (RW: Hawaii), Knight (RW: New Orleans), Montana (RW: Boston), Chet (RW: Brooklyn), Evan (Fresh Meat)

5 Least Favorite RW/RR/Challenge Alums
1. Veronica, RR: Semester at Sea. Veronica put a sour taste in my mouth from the beginning. She was on one of the coolest RR seasons and she made a huge ass of herself by cheating on a paper and then lying about it. She is a terrible liar, and from everything I have witnessed, a horrible human being. Ugh, I really dislike her.
2. Tori, RR: Viewers Revenge. I watched Part of her RR season and found her annoying, but nothing too bad. Once she began on the challenges, she aggravated the piss out of me. Her constant pageant look and attitude and general looking down on everyone made her really irritating. And then when she got together with Brad and became even more whiny, she was just intolerable. 

 3. Wes, RW: Austin. Wes makes my skin crawl. He thinks he is the man. And he isn't. He isn't cute. He isn't smart. And he's an asshole. A ginger asshole. All he has going for him is his body. He is a smug, cocky, more-bark-than-bite jerk. How did Johanna ever date him for so long? Ew.

4. Beth, RW:Los Angeles. I have to admit, I didn't see Beth's season when it was originally on. I was too young. But I did see it in re-runs a few times when it was on late night. Beth was on many challenges and her old ass just couldn't hang. She wasn't athletic and wasn't likeable. In a game like the challenges, she had nothing going for her.

5. Ryan, RW: New Orleans. So Ryan wasn't even on an entire season and I still couldn't stand him. He is literally one of the most awful characters in Real World history in my opinion. He was so unlikeable, he either wasn't invited to any of the challenges or knew he would get his ass kicked there. Seriously, he sucked so bad. Good riddance.

Honorable Mentions: Colie (RW: Denver), Joey (RW: Cancun), Amaya (RW: Hawaii), Janelle, (RW: Key West), Trisha (RW: Sydney), KellyAnn (RW:Sydney)

There are obviously a lot more RW/RR/Challenge alums that irritated and bothered me than I liked. Not shocking. Many of those people are super awful just to get more air time, but I truly believe that's who most of them are in actuality. Regardless, they did something that I am super jealous of and if given the opportunity right now, would jump at it.

Monday, November 14, 2011

You're not from around here

I have lived in NYC for almost eight years now. Although I like to think of myself as a New Yorker now, I have heard you aren't really official until you hit the ten year mark. When I first visited NYC my senior year of college for the first time, I couldn't get enough of the city and its energy. It's fantastic and there is so much to see and do at all times. It's no wonder there are so many tourists in this great city. And guess what, us New Yorkers can spot you. I know because I was once one of you (even though I didn't commit all of the faux pas below. Maybe one or two, but I tried to play it cool, obvs.) So what gives you tourists away you ask?

1) You are most likely wearing a backpack (sometimes on your front. You know so you won't get pick-pocketed in this "crime ridden" city) or a fanny pack.
2) You actually wait at the crosswalk and wait for the "walking man" to appear even though there are no cars on the street. You will never get those three minutes of your life back, so just walk.
3) You walk four or five across on the sidewalk. So. Rude. I am trying to get where I need to be, so don't block the entire sidewalk.
4) You walk very slowly looking up at the buildings and will just stop without warning to check something out and/or to take a picture. You don't have break lights and if we aren't blowing by you, we are catching up pretty fast and will bump into you if you stop suddenly because we are most likely in a rush. Pull over for both of our sakes.
This was actually painted on the sidewalk as some kind of street art/joke
5) You actually want to go Times Square while we avoid it at all costs (unless we have visitors and take them there).
6) You call 6th Ave the Avenue of the Americas. Amateurs.
7) Ladies, many of you will try to dress very "Sex and the City" and walk around in high heels all day. If you are in 6-inch heels while walking around Central Park, you are a dead giveaway of a tourist. Stop trying so hard. This is a walking city, just be comfortable because we are not impressed.
8) Men, you have on manpris and/or mandals with socks. Ick.
9)You get to the top of the subway stairs and just stop in your tracks while you figure out where you are. Um, move to the side while everyone else can pass by. Thanks.
10) You keep T.G.I Fridays and the Olive Garden in business.

New York is a fabulous city and anyone in their right mind would want to visit it at least once in their lifetime. And they should. Experience it all and take advantage of this great city. However, dress appropriately and comfortably, exhibit common courtesy, venture outside your comfort zone with all the fine cuisine we have to offer, and most importantly, don't get in our way. Other than that, have a great time and you will fall in love with the city as much as I have.

Friday, November 11, 2011

"Gimme More" Britney

Every girl has a "girl-crush." That is one girl, usually famous, that you are strangely enamored with. You think she is pretty and/or has great style and/or a great talent...basically you want to be her or be best friends with her. Or if you were a lesbian, you'd want to get it on with her. My girl crush is Britney Spears. Yes, the same Britney Spears that went a little cray cray and shaved her head a few years back. I have loved her since she made her start like ten years ago and have been a fan of hers through all her trials and tribulations. Poor Britney has been through a lot and I have stuck by her side. I am no fair-weather fan.

Although Britney has had numerous looks over the years as she has gotten older, when I think of her, she will forever be etched in my mind as the Britney in the "I'm a Slave For You" video. Everything worked in that video...the song, the choreography, her smoking body, and hair/make-up. That was her in her prime. She was H-O-T.  And let's not forget her famous 2001 MTV VMA performance with the python. I wanted to be her.  The Britney of today has definitely lost a step or two (or ten!) but I still love her no less. Below are my Top 5 songs/music videos of, as my mom would call her, my "non-sexual lover". Britney, I salute you.

1. Hit Me Baby One More Time The song that started it all. Looking at Britney then and seeing her now is like night and day. That's what plastic surgery can do to a young girl. My guess: Boobs and nose.
2. I'm a Slave For U Seriously, she is en fuego in this video. Her choreography is incredible and the whole scenery for this with the heat, sweat, and water is fab. I wish I had her body. She was really at the top of her game here.
3. Toxic I actually watched the Making the Video of this on MTV and saw all the different aspects that went into it. Little jealous she got to ride that motorcycle with Tyson Beckford. Swoon. But I especially like the parts where she is covered in rhinestones. So sexy.
4. Oops!...I Did It Again I still remember the choreography for the chorus of this song. Was not a fan of the red jumpsuit in this one (its too short!), but if anyone can work it, Britney can.
5. You Drive Me Crazy No, no, Britney, you drive me crazy. One of my favorite Britney songs. And good cameos in this one because of the movie Drive Me Crazy. Great teen flick and even better song to go with it.
Could you honestly watch these videos and not sing along? And not just admire her? She may not have the best voice, but girl can work it on the dance floor. Yes its true, the Britney of today can't hold a candle to the Britney of years ago, but she is still a great performer and still holds a top spot in my heart.  But seriously, don't "Hold it Against Me" for loving her, because I will "Till the World Ends."

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Fun night, awkward morning

The one night stand. It happens. I know more than my fair share of ladies that have had them. They went out, met someone attractive, and took him home for a night of unadulterated (and hopefully safe) fun. It's really no biggie. Or is it? Depends who you ask I guess. Do you have that super judgmental friend that chastises you even when you have a random make-out in the bar (why are you friends with her anyway?) or do you have that friend that high-fives you and pumps you for deets when you tell her about your latest conquest?

One night stands can be tricky. The guy is usually random. You probably met him at a party or in a bar and didn't want the night to end with him right then and there so you guys decide to go home together. This is where it can get a little complicated. Does he expect you to give it up? Or are you just going to have a hot and heavy all-clothes-remain-on make-out sesh? Or you know, "everything but"? It's pretty much up to YOU what's going to happen. And sometimes this depends if you want this to be a one night stand or not. I mean, you're drunk and he's definitely not Mr. Right, but most certainly Mr. Right Now, so why not?

Things shouldn't be awkward at night because you can't wait to get home and get it on, but its in the morning where things might start to get weird. You guys wake up and just stare at the ceiling not knowing what to say, maybe engage in another round of whatever it is you did last night, small talk a bit, or maybe just lay there and cuddle. Or maybe you wake up before him, grab your stuff and bolt out of his apartment before he even realizes you are gone? Smooth. If you do stay and have to converse or more in the morning, how do you know when its time to go? You don't want to be the creepy girl that just sticks around overstaying your welcome and aren't realizing you should have left an hour ago. You just aren't getting it. Don't do that.

So how do you leave it? Do you legitimately expect to see this guy again? No. Do you care? No. That is the point of a one night stand. But this does factor into the goodbye. Do you ask for his number (and last name (and/or first name) if you didn't get it last night or already forgot)? Do you wait for him to ask you for yours? (Remember, if you or him have no intention of contacting each other, don't even bother.)  Do you kiss him goodbye? If yes, on the cheek? On the lips? With tongue? Do you just hug it out? Do you high-five or fist-pump, say you had a great time, and call it a morning? Or just give a quick "bye" and exit in a rush dreading your walk of shame home?

However it is you leave it, its probably going to be awkward. I mean, you guys just met a few hours ago and have already seen each other naked in unflattering angles. Chances are you won't see this guy again. He used you for S-E-X and if you are the type of girl that I would hope you are, you used him for the very same thing. No harm done. (If you are the type of girl that gets attached, these one-night stands aren't for you so stop already.) As long as you had a good time and get to sleep it off the rest of the day and have a good story for your friends, I am sure it was worth it. And if it wasn't, you can always give it a go with someone new the next time you go out. No judgement here.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Something I am actually shy about

I will burp in front of pretty much anyone. Anytime. Anywhere.  Same goes with talking about poop. But there is one thing that I do find to be pretty personal and I really have to know you and trust you to do in front of you. And that my friend, is farting. Believe it or not,  I will not just fart in front of anyone. In fact, I can probably count on less than two hands the people I will actually fart in front of. Obviously this number does not count all the lucky folks that are behind me when I crop-dust down the street. Booyah.

I don't know what it is about farting that makes me so shy about it. With my openness with so many other subjects, this is usually shocking to people close to me. But they do probably appreciate that I don't fart in front of them. And for those I do fart in front of, I will go above and beyond the act of a simple fart. I will announce my fart. I will fart on you. And I will dutch oven you. Then I will laugh and laugh about it. After all, farting is funny. In fact, its pretty hilarious. (Some of the funniest movie scenes are fart/poop scenes (Harold and Kumar, Dumb and Dumber, even the pink-eye scene in Knocked Up)). So once I get started farting in front of you and break that barrier, look out.

So who do you fart in front of? Family? Friends? Boyfriend? Husband? If you are one of those people (and by people, I mean ignorant men) that think "Eeew, girls don't fart" (or poop), you are going to have a very rude awakening when you get married unless your wife is as weird about it as you are. Then by all means, you are probably perfect for each other and the most boring, stick-up-your-ass couple out there. Farting is natural. It's also totally normal. And everybody does it. Everybody. I just read a fantastic blog article about farting that had me laughing out loud. Especially the second paragraph. It was so spot on. Farting is funny. Period. So let's just be more open about it, myself included.

I can only hope when I do meet the man of my dreams, he will obviously be very impressed with my phenomenal burping skills, but more importantly, when I do decide to fart in front of him, he will love me just the same no matter how loud or how smelly. Because lets be honest, if you have to hold in all that gas for the rest of your life, its going to stink.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Marriage is FOR-EV-ER

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries dated for about 6 months. They were engaged for about 3 months and were married for less than 2.5 months. That's only 72 days of marriage for those have that been living in a bubble these past few days. These two moved fast. Really fast. Got married fast. Got divorced even faster. But is anyone really surprised? Not. At. All. What was the rush? I mean, really?

Since I am an avid reader of celeb gossip websites and magazines, I have been following their romance from the start and have had my own opinions on each of them and their relationship from the get go. Obviously I don't know either one of them personally and everything I know is from what I read in my magazines and see on their "reality" show. Therefore I am no professional, but I am entitled my own opinions. I think Kim is vapid, dumb, and has no real personality. And I think Kris just got caught up with the lifestyle that Kim provided before he got in too deep and realized the craziness that is the Kardashian brand.

Kim and I are of similar ages and I know the pressure of being this old and not being married already. Oh, the horror! With her younger sister married, and her older sister already with child and a long-term boyfriend, Kim felt the pressure to tie the knot herself. Not to mention all the financial perks that came along with it in her case (Free dresses, cake, flowers and an entire TV special). However, was it really worth rushing into the relationship, engagement, and wedding? Nope. She embarrassed herself, her brand, and the sanctity of marriage. For reals.

Here's the thing about this that really bothers me about this: They knew each other for such a short period of time, most of which was in front of a camera, and actually thought this would work out. Or did they? They were going to get a windfall for this wedding regardless if they were really in love and knew it would last. Everyone keeps saying Kim is just a hopeless romantic that is "in love with being in love." I think she is just in love with publicity and money. Why else would she have rushed into all this? They barely knew each other. And did they really think that they did?

I would never get engaged to anyone without dating them for at  least 9 months and would never marry anyone without living with them first. And we'd have to live together for a substantial amount of time. How can you really know someone without living with them? Going to sleep by their side and waking up next to them (sans make-up, combed hair, and brushed teeth). Seeing their daily habits. Showing them your good, your bad, and your ugly. You should be able to do (almost) anything in front of them you'd do on your own.  You should be able to cry in front of them (something Kim did only once in front of Kris), fart in front of them, and be sick in front of them. They should know you better than anyone else. After all, you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person. For better or worse. FOR-EV-ER.

For some reason, divorce scares the crap out of me. If I met someone, got married, and it ended in divorce, I would be so upset with myself for allowing that to happen. I would honestly feel like I failed. Like it was a character flaw on my end for not knowing this would happen. For me, divorce cannot happen. I want to get married once and stay married to that person for my entire life. There is no other option. 

My parents are still married. They've been married for over 30 years and I find that to be an amazing accomplishment. For anyone. It makes me very proud when I can tell people my parents are still together. And when I see them hold hands, it makes me giddily happy.  They are accomplishing something that over half of the country can't. Well done, Mom and Dad. I love you guys even more for that and I can only hope I achieve the same thing. 

The thing that Kim and Kris' divorce made even more clear to me is how important marriage is. It's a big freaking deal. You have to really know each other. And love each other unconditionally. Not just because its convenient for you or because you feel its just the next step you have to take (or because you will rake in $17 million for the TV special). I think Kim was so caught up with the "Fairytale Wedding", she forgot about the actual Fairytale and living the "Happily Ever After." Shame on her.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Fake Commercial, Fake Commercial

Saturday Night Live is usually known for their sketch characters and the skits they are in. It's kind of pathetic that I know this fact, but usually after the host comes out and does his/her monologue, their is is a fake commercial. You sit there for a second and think "wait, is this real?" until you recognize one or a few of the cast members in the commercial and realize how ridiculous this commercial actually is. I still remember watching SNL with my mom on the couch Sunday mornings and when the fake commercial came on, we always got so excited. We'd be "ooh ooh fake commercial...fake commercial" and brace ourselves for laughter. I still think that to myself this day when I see one. Below I have listed my top six favorite SNL commercials.

1. Schmitts Gay Buff men in Speedos. I'll take it. Even if they do like other men.

2. Homocil Aw. You don't need a pill, just some tolerance. Take it until you come around. Check out this commercial.

3. Oooops, I Crapped my Pants  Every time I have a Colitis flare-up I wish I had these. No joke.
4. Mom Jeans. "You're not a woman anymore, you're a mom." Thankfully, none of the moms I know would be caught dead in these bad boys. For some reason, YouTube took the video down, so click HERE to view.

5. Peyton Manning for United Way. See, athletes can be funny too!

And one for good luck: The Shake Weight DVD. Ok, so this fake commercial is mocking a real product and is probably one of the funniest. It's that damn girl in the pink shirt. She's in on it.

Obviously all of these are ridiculous and would never get anyone to think they were actually real. SNL needs to start stepping up their game again because their fake commercials lately have been lacking. At least I can hold onto these memories of laughing on the couch with my mom and also be grateful that she doesn't own a single pair of mom jeans. Phew.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

You know how I know you're my friend?

I knew that I had good friends here in NYC. In my 7 years here, its been up and down on who was a "fun friend" and who was a "true friend." (Most are both but there are some that are just "fun friends") I can now confidently say now that the group of girls I surround myself with now are true friends.  This recently came into light because I was was pretty sick and injured (at the same time!). I have Ulcerative Colitis and recently had a bad flare-up that wouldn't go away. One night the pain was so excruciating I thought I was going to have to go to the ER. I didn't go because I hate waiting and I had my first day of work the next day. I know those sound like lame excuses if I was in the pain I say I was in. But when you are in a city where your family isn't and you are sick, its hard to think rationally. My friends knew I was sick and in pain, but it wasn't until the next day when I told them what happened the night before that they showed their true colors. Five of them yelled at me for not going to the ER and for not even calling them with the intense pain I was in. You know that scale the doctor has on the wall that goes from 1-10 asking your pain? Well I was at a 10. And I have never been a 10 before. That bad. Anyway, I know these girls weren't just saying they'd go with me, they literally scolded me for not taking care of myself and not seeing a doctor immediately. It was like having 5 of my mothers right here in New York. In hindsight, it was very stupid not to go to the ER and if I had to do it again, you better believe I would have dragged my ass to the ER and waited if need be. With all that being said, I realized what my friends would do for me. Being mostly teachers, they were all willing to give up their sleep before the first day of school to be with me and make sure I was okay. That's a big deal. And for some reason this reminded me of this scene from 40-Year Old Virgin. 
That scene always makes me laugh yet has nothing to do with this post...kind of. So here's where I am going with this...instead of a "you know how I know you're gay" list, I have a "you know how I know you're my friend" list.

So, here it is: "You know how I know you're my friend"...

1. You will hit me with force when I talk too loud about the skanky girl right in front of me. (Sorry if I have volume control problems.)
2. You don't judge me when I make clean plate club of my double Shackburger and cheese fries.
3. You will pull me back up when I am about to throw up on the street in public and make me wait it out until there is no one around.
4. You tell me the guy I am drunkenly making out with is ass-ugly and I can do better. In front of his face.
5. If either one of us in the shower and the other has to poop, we understand that need and its okay. Go right ahead and do what you need to do.
6. You will tell me that the guy I have been obsessing over is a complete loser-idiot with bad taste for not liking me back and actually mean it.
7. You offer to help me use my new suppository medicine if I need help (with rubber gloves, of course!)
8. You offer to loofah by butt before a spray tan so it won't be streaky.

As I made this list, it really made me happy knowing that without my family being here, I have people in NYC that I can trust and count on in a time of need. I just hope you guys know you have the same in me!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Fashion Don'ts From a Non-Fashionista

I am not, by any means, a fashionista. I don't claim to be one either. I am a jeans and T-shirt type of girl. Okay, okay...More like sweatpants and hoody type of girl. I dress for comfort over style 90% of the time. But when its time to get dressed up, I must admit that I do clean up well.

Although I may not follow all the trends, I am very aware of what trends are in style, what looks good and what doesn't.  I read enough fashion/style/gossip magazines to know what looks are popular and should be worn and what looks never look good on anyone no matter how skinny or pretty they are. While there are some styles that some models or celebrities can actually pull off that us real people could never do, there are some that NO ONE looks good in. Ever.

1. Clear Bra Straps. I clearly don't get it (pun intended!) You can still see them. They are clear, not invisible. They make you look cheap, and trashy. You aren't fooling anyone. Either just wear a regular bra and look equally ridiculous or go out and buy yourself a good strapless.
2. Denim on Denim.  I keep reading that this trend is back making a comeback. I cannot get on board with this one. I was always taught that you wear one item that is denim. Either just jeans. Or JUST a jean jacket. Not both together.

3. Ed Hardy/Christian Audigier/Smet. This apparel is usually worn by the bridge and tunnel crowd. If you are a dude and wearing this you are probably the gorilla-juicehead type (or a wannabe). You might as well just wear a nametag that says "Hello my name is Douchebag." Blech. I also find it humorous that these men pay so much money for a T-shirt with so much rhinestones, sequins, and glitter. Mucho effeminate.

4. Bikinis and high heels. This look seems to happening more and more at pool parties and beaches. If you are in a bathing suit, wear flip flops or be barefoot. Heels just make you look like you are trying too hard. Even if you have a smokin' body, wearing heels with your bikini just makes you look like a you are in a pageant or you are a stripper. Keep it classy, ladies. Courtney from Most Eligible Dallas was basically reading my mind when she gave her opinion on the issue. I was laughing hysterically when she gave her confessional about it on a recent episode. (Def click that link.)

5. Belly Chains. Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, and Rihanna wear these occasionally when photographed on the beach. And each time I see these I think how absolutely tacky they look.  I don't understand people that wear a lot of jewelery when at the beach or the pool, let alone a chain...on your belly. What's the point? I can't handle it. If a celeb looks ridic in this, a real person is going to look plain redonk. Don't do it. Please.

  6. Summer scarves. I know scarves are a fashion trend. And I like scarves. They are a necessity in the the winter and are cute in the fall and early spring as an accessory. But when it's 90 degrees out, the last thing I want on my body is extra fabric, let alone cotton, silk, linen, or whatever material it is around my neck. I understand people wanting to look cute in extreme heat, but you just look nonsensical wearing a scarf in a heat wave. Everyone knows you're hot. You aren't fooling anyone. When I look at you, I sweat more and you make me feel like I am suffocating. So basically, me not liking this trend is kind of selfish, but I also want you to be more comfortable. I got your back. When its that hot out, you can take one for the team, and just not be super fashionable for one day. I think society will understand.

One trend you'd probably be surprised that I am not against is animal prints. For some reason I am a fan of the leopard and zebra print, but not together. That is just plain unacceptable in my book. Regardless of what I think looks good, everyone is entitled to their opinion. Just know, I am judging you. And if you see me walking down the street in legit sweatpants and a hoody, feel free to snicker if you want to. I won't be offended.