Monday, October 31, 2011

GUEST POST: My Friends are Too Pretty

Many of my friends have been super supportive regarding my adventures in blog writing. They also happen to be very smart and witty. (Remember you are the company you keep!) I wanted to provide them with an opportunity to express themselves if they so desire. I mean, why should I be the only one able to rant about my life? With that being said, below is the first of what I hope is many more guest posts on this blog. Enjoy.

I am an actress. I am a quirky, curvy, five foot tall actress. I may be cast as a best friend, little sister, or turtle. That’s right, I played Tina Turtle in a musical called “The Goldfish Twins Swim the Big Blue Sea." I went to summer camp for theater. I did all of the shows in high school. I attended college for musical theater, and I moved to New York to pursue my Broadway dreams. Therefore, 90% of my friends are actresses (and actors but we are going to focus on the girls right now.) These talented ladies are not just any old assortment of actresses. They are really, really beautiful actresses. My best friends from college, who are still some of my best friends, could be described as a model, a Zoey Deschanel type, and the girl with the perfect dimples. We can add to that (now that I have made even more actress friends from various shows and auditions and my current job at Lululemon) another model, a natural beauty, and a hotter version of Lindsay Lohan in her “Mean Girls” days. I love my friends. They are amazing, motivated, warm, intelligent, funny, and delightful human beings. I realize it is not their fault they are so attractive. I should not stop being their friends just because people literally turn their heads when they pass by.  

I was at work the other day. I was having a dance party, like I do, and these two men walked in my section. I said hello and we struck up a conversation. They even joined my dance party. While we were talking I found out one of the men is here in New York because he is doing his pediatrics rounds. This man was also super attractive. We talked for about ten minutes. Dare I say, some flirting occurred. I started to get really excited. I got super girly and in my head I was all “Oh my gawd he totes likes me. I think he may ask me for my phone number. What if I date a doctor? My bubbe is going to be so happy, etc...” He then inquired about a feature on one of the men’s shirts I didn’t know about. He was all, “Let’s go look at it.” I was all, “Yeah, let’s, because I totally don’t believe that feature exists.” We wandered to the men’s section and he was totally right. Cue my hot Lindsay Lohan friend joining in on our convo. It’s totally not her fault. We were in HER section after all. I then had to return to my section, leaving Doctor man, his friend, and Hot Lindsay Lohan to chat. Five minutes later, the two men shout goodbye to me and my friend comes rushing over “He asked for my number.” Cue, almost epic temper-tantrum/meltdown by yours truly. 

I kept it together. To be honest, this type of thing has happened to me more times than I can count. It seems as though guys tend to like hot girls. Weird, right? The moral of the story is, having gorgeous friends makes things difficult for us with “unique faces.” (One of the men who lives on my block loves telling me I have a unique face.) Men tend to be distracted by the long legs, shiny hair, and tiny noses of the ladies surrounding me. I refuse to play the victim. My options are to find myself some homely looking friends, to put myself together, or keep on keeping on in hopes that Mr. or Dr. Right will come along and not be blinded by the perfect tens that surround me day in and day out. I think I am going to keep on keeping on in my cowboy boots and blue mascara. 

Author: The Gu

Friday, October 28, 2011

Housewives putting it On Display

I don't mean to brag, but if you name name any Real Housewives season, I can pretty much tell you the entire cast (and also give you my opinion on them whether you ask for it or not).  I love that show. Whether its New York, New Jersey, Miami, DC, Beverly Hills, Atlanta, or the ladies who started it all, Orange County, I have tuned in. Each season has its own drama and its own attitude. Well done Andy Cohen. Well done.

If you don't watch the Housewives, let me break it down for you. It's a bunch of women all trying to outdo each other (with money they apparently don't even have), talk shit about each other, and get into catfights. That's pretty much it in a nutshell. Sounds pretty incredible, right? Well, it is...until these women start to forget who they are and what they're job is. And let me tell you this...its not to sing. It's to shop, drink, eat brunch, drink, attend fabulous parties, drink. You get it. Nowhere in their contract does it say they should be singing.

Jo De La Rosa (from the OC), one of the the most annoying characters in that series history (and not even an actual housewife!), was the first of the ladies to pave the way of wanting to use her "fame" to begin a singing career. Her man Slade, took her under his wing and got her into a studio to begin recording her first single. Needless to say, her singing voice was just as awful as her regular voice and her song bombed. It was terrible. However, she was the pioneer of Housewives wanting to become pop stars.

Of the Housewives that have recorded songs (and even videos), I have actually found many of the tunes quite catchy. Catchy does not equal good, but these songs do get stuck in your head.  These pretty talentless women are lucky enough to pair up with decent producers with quality equipment and churn out a hit. So bravo (pun intended) to them for that. Seriously.

Below are four the best "Housewives" songs in my opinion. Sorry Danielle Staub and Lawrence (Sheree's friend from RHOA), but you didn't make the cut.

Kim Zolciak (Atlanta): Don't be Tardy to the Party. Not gonna lie, I have this on my iPod. With the miracle of auto-tune, this song became kind of popular. Kim obviously has no talent, but knew how to take what she does have (still trying to figure that out) and work with it.

LuAnn de Lesseps (NYC): Money Can't Buy You Class Ah, Countess LuAnn. With snarky, condescending remarks, she tried to teach us all how to have class in her book. Then she put it into a song. Eh. It's ok, but once again, I did find myself singing it when cleaning my apartment. And just so you all remember, here are LuAnn's words to the wise: "Money can't buy you class...elegance is learned."

LuAnn de Lesseps (NYC): Chic C'est La Vie  The Countess impressed herself so much with her first single, she went ahead and made a second. She even filmed a music video for this one with some of the other NYC Housewives. Oy.

Melissa Gorga (NJ): On Display I think this might actually be my favorite of the Housewives song. I don't know what it is about it, but its pretty damn catchy. And Melissa's voice isn't totally terrible.

I am sure there will be more Housewives who think they can sing and will come out with more songs in the future. And more power to them I guess. Strike while the iron's hot. Or...even better, maybe a few of them will come together and form an all girls group. You hear that Andy? One can only hope!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Day I Carried Poop in my Bag ALL day

As previously mentioned, I have Ulcerative Colitis. Every once in a while, I get a flare-up and things get bad. How bad? I have never given birth before but based on videos I have seen and stories I have heard, I feel that I am more than prepared pain-wise because of this illness. That's how bad my stomach cramping gets. I even do Lamaze breathing when they hit.  Also, when I get a flare-up, its the only time, like ever, that I don't want to eat. This is how those around me know I am sick. It takes a lot for me not to eat. I love food. But when I start to fear it because of the pain it causes me, its time to see the doctor. And with these flare-ups, even with eating little to nothing, I am still in the bathroom double-digit times a day. Not okay.

Anyway, this recent flare-up has been the worst I have ever had in my life. It started like all my other flare-ups had. I called the doctor and got a prescription for the medicine that I usually get for this. Usually I take this medication and am healthy in a week or two. This time around, a month passed and I still was miserable. (This accompanied by my broken foot was not a fun combination.) After trying another new medication and still not improving, the doctor requested that I submit a stool sample to see if there is another underlying infection. I said I would be in the next day to pick up the kit for this test.
This isn't my kit, but very similar.

The following day I went to the hospital to pick up this kit which included a special toilet bucket for the "sample" and 4 vials for the "sample." And by sample, I obviously mean my poop. Duh. They said I could do the test at home and bring it to the lab when I was done. I didn't want to have to transport my own poop on the train and around town so I waited at the doctor's office for about a half hour to see if I could just poop there, fill my vials and bring it down to the lab. No dice. I guess I would have to take the kit home, and take my "sample" in the next day. I will spare you the details of how I had to collect the samples. But lets just say I had to take what was in the bucket and put it in the vials. Got it? Yeah, not a pleasant experience. At all.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

My Big, Fat Obsession

Weight loss shows seem to be all the rage lately. Shows that feature extremely overweight and/or morbidly obese people trying to take off the pounds and adapt to a lifelong healthy lifestyle. Whenever these types of shows come on TV you can almost always count me in as a viewer. And a crier.  Biggest Loser. Duh. Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. Yep. MTV's I Use To Be Fat. Uh huh. VH1's Celebrity Fit Club. Obvi. And the list goes on.  I usually have to keep a large box of tissues near me when I watch because these shows often always have me in tears. Tears of sadness for the pain in these people's lives, both physical and emotional.  Tears of happiness when they achieve their goal. Tears of disappointment if they don't. Tears of fear of becoming that large myself.  I can't help it. I get sucked in to the realism of it all. In fact, when they tell their stories, I often find myself relating to them. And this is what is so heart-wrenching. I am no where close to their size, yet I possess a lot of the same feelings about my body that they do about theirs. (On a totally semi-related note, if I see an extremely obese person in public, I sometimes burst into tears. It is not something I am proud to admit, or even embarrassed to admit, but it just always hits a nerve for me. Yes, I am aware I should probably be in therapy about this.)

One of my biggest fears in life is becoming obese. I hate to say it, but I honestly do not know what I would do with myself if I became "that" big. I have a hard enough time dealing with and accepting the size I am now, and the thought of being any heavier scares me to death. This is probably the reason I watch these shows. They almost ingrain this fear in me that scares me so much, I know I will never let that happen to myself. (Hopefully.)

My mother, is also a fan of many of these so called "fat-people shows" and we discuss them often. Unfortunately, and it should come as no surprise to her as she is reading this, that she is probably the main reason with my obsession with weight. For as long as I can remember, my mom has criticized my weight, what I eat, and my exercise habits. (I love you mom, but you can't deny this.) Mind you, I eat pretty healthy a majority of the time and I work out on a regular basis. But for some reason, I am still overweight.  Yes, it bothers me a lot, but it seems to bother her more. In fact, the only time we fight or she makes me cry is over my weight (and the fact that I am still single.  And don't think I don't see a correlation between those two things.)  It's probably unhealthy that we discuss these shows because of this trigger between us, but we can't stop.  I know deep down that I will never be the size of one of the participants on these shows, but I do sympathize with them.  They bare all on national TV all for the sake of becoming healthy. They are very brave and I wish them nothing but the best. But shame on them for making me cry so much. Oh wait, that's my issue, not theirs.

Monday, October 24, 2011

If money were no object...

Sometimes I like to play a game with myself called "What if I was rich?"  I mean, money-is-no-object, filthy rich. What would I do with all that money? I was raised in an upper-middle class family and although we lived comfortably, we were by no means wealthy. Now that I support myself on a teacher's income, I would say that I am financially stable, but not enough to even afford a one-bedroom apartment; not with students loans that need paying off and the everyday cost of living expenses. I eat out about once or twice a week and go through phases of shopping, but never anything extraordinary. I live well within my means and consider myself to be a saver. I am not quite sure what I am saving for (a house, a big vacation, etc...), but I like to have a little cushion that I pretend doesn't exist just in case of emergency.  With all that being said, I often wonder what I would do if I hit the jackpot and didn't have to worry about my finances anymore. Would I spend differently? How would my lifestyle change? These are the questions I sometimes ask myself if money were no object (and I planned to stay in NYC)...

1) Would I still work or would I become a "lady who lunches"?

I would probably quit my job initially and spend my days working out, playing tennis, getting massages, getting manicures and pedicures, and volunteering.

2) Would I get a doorman penthouse apartment on the UES/UWS or a townhouse in the West Village?
I would like having a doorman for safety and convenience and love the proximity to Central Park of the UES/UWS, but my own townhouse in the village would be pretty awesome.

3) Would I still shop at Target or head over to the three B's (Bloomies, Barney's, and Bergdorfs) now for all my shopping?
I would most def still go to Target often but would probably start buying some high end stuff as well. I  would def buy all my workout clothes at Lululemon ($90 for yoga pants is not in my budget now), would for sure splurge on a pair of black Louboutins, and would buy a really nice designer purse or two, but beyond that I just don't know.

4) Would I get myself a really nice car or just get a chauffeur?
Probably both. I want a black Range Rover with Spreewell rims, but I am not a fan of driving in NYC, so within the city, I would have driver, but beyond that, I would prob drive myself.

5) Would I summer in the Hamptons or the Shore?
I know the Hamptons is where all the rich, famous, and society people go. And although its gorgeous, I don't know if its "my scene." I am sure I could make it my scene if I needed to or just avoid that scene all together. On the other hand, some shore towns like Avon-by-the-Sea or Sea Girt have amazing houses right on the water with huge wraparound porches also and the people are not as pretentious. I know people "poo-poo" Jersey but its not as showy as the Hamptons and its less of a pain-in-the-ass to drive to. (But I guess if I am loaded, I would take a quick private helicopter/jet to where I am going anyway.)

6) Would I winter in a tropical locale or go skiing? 
Who am I kidding with this, I'd do both!! Winter is long and I want to hit the beach AND the slopes.

7) Would I send my kids in public or private school?
In the more wealthy neighborhoods, there is nothing wrong with the public schools. I would like my children to be well-adjusted and open-minded and I feel that a good public school is the way to go with this. I watch Gossip Girl and have read Schooled by Anisha Lakhani to  know what happens in those NYC private schools....

I do know that there are a few definite things I would do if I hit it big. I know I would pay off my student loans right away, take my parents on the vacation of their dreams and pay off any loans they have, get a year round personal trainer AND personal chef, travel to all the places I am dying to go to myself, and make a large donation to Breast Cancer research.  Beyond that, I am sure now that I am rich, I can find other things to spend my money on. Depending on where I end up in the future, New York or Chicago (or even somewhere else), this could all change. I do know one thing, money will NOT change who I am. I would never let it.

Friday, October 21, 2011

SNL=Sunday morning laughs

I have watched Saturday Night Live for as long as I can remember. I still watch it. I DVR it every Saturday Night and watch it in bed Sunday morning. For an hour and half show, I can watch it in about 30 minutes. No commercials. No bands. And I usually stop after Weekend Update because that's when the show starts to take a nosedive.

SNL has made way for some of the funniest actors and actresses out there. I would LOVE to be on that show although I am not nearly as talented as their writers and actresses but always thought it would be so fun to do. SNL through the years has gone through phases of being funny and being just plain dumb depending on the cast. The funniest of skits have been made into some pretty great movies (Wayne's World, Night at the Roxbury) and some pretty lame ones (Blues Brothers, Coneheads, McGruber, etc...).  There were reoccuring sketch characters on that show I will never forget (Church Lady, Pat, Linda Richmond, Wayne and Garth, Cheerleaders, Mary-Catherine Gallagher, Matt Foley, and I could keep going on) because they were hilarious and guest stars that you can guarantee will give a good show (John Goodman, Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin, Justin Timberlake, etc...). There are so many SNL sketches that I can watch over and over and crack up every single time. There are actually way too many to list here, but I tried to compile my favorite skits with many honorable mentions. So here they are, my five top SNL sketches over the years.

1. Gap Girls.  This has one the best lines in SNL history. "Lay off me, I'm starving." Man, I loved Chris Farley. 

2.  Simon. Mike Myers as a little British boy with bad gas. Classic.

3. Philip and Grace. Mike Myers (again) as an ADD child is just plain hysterical. He also reminds me of my brother when he was younger.

4. More Cowbell. Will Ferrell is genius in this skit.

5. Sex and the City skit. Christina Aguilera as Samantha was so spot on it was scary. And they really nailed the others girls traits.
(If this is too blurry, check out this LINK for a better version. It's worth it.

Honorable Mentions: Any skit with my favorite characters mentioned above (Wayne's World, Coffee Talk with Linda Richmond, Cheerleaders, etc...), Any Jeopardy skit, Chippendales, Night at the Roxbury, Dog Show, Delicious Dish, Brian Fallows Safari Planet, Astronaut Jones, Super Fans, Inspirational Speaker Tom Foley, and Adam Sandler's Lunch Lady Land song.

This was seriously difficult having to list just my top five. I am sure there are ones I will think of later that I want on here instead, but whats done is done. And some of my honorable mentions could have easily made it on here too. Furthermore, this doesn't even include the digital shorts and fake commercials. I hope they make you laugh and/or smile as they make me do.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Scrunch those socks

I was a child of the 80's which means I was in junior high in the 90's. I remember it all. The clothes... the TV shows....the music...the trends. I was in junior high from 1993-1996 and I still have vivid memories of the fads from that VERY awkward time in my life. I mean, I had bangs. Curly, gross, frizzy bangs. And braces. Although these weren't my most attractive years, I still have some really fun memories. Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking, and others I miss quite fondly. Below are some of my favorite trends from those wonderfully awkward years.

Slap bracelets These were the shit. Then rumors began to swirl that some kid slit his wrists from the metal in the bracelet and parents freaked and companies pulled them off the shelves. Travesty. I never believed the rumors anyway, but still stopped wearing mine because everyone else did. Duh.  Interesting enough, I think they are making a comeback. I saw them for sale this summer in Walgreens. I could not contain my excitement. I did not purchase them though because I still own two of my originals. Leopard and zebra print. Damn right!
Scrunch Socks. They had to be made by Wigwam. They were usually worn with your Doc Martin's and a skirt or a dress. And they were a go-to on the Bar/Bat Mitzvah scene. Once the music starting playing, you ditched your dress shoes, put on your socks, and scrunched them down. Now you were ready to party. Champagne Snowball, bee-yatch.

TGIF lineup on ABC. Every Friday night you had to watch these: Full House, Family Matters, Step by Step, Just the Ten of Us, Perfect Strangers, Boy Meets World, Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, Mr. Belvidere. Over the course of a few years, four of these were on the line-up from 7-9 (CST) every Friday. I couldn't wait. And my parents usually let me have friends over, order pizza, and watch these shows. We really rocked out on Friday nights.  

Spice Girls. Duh. Girl Power.  They were all so different yet were one magnificent group. I knew all the words to "Wannabe" and can still sing over 90% of it today. You know you can too!

Overalls. I mean, really? Was I a farmer? Was I painting houses? Nope. I was just so high fashion back then. And I of course wore a baby T under my overalls which I obvi had in the pant and shorts version.

Also during this time period was my Bat Mitzvah, my first period, and the infamous OJ Trial. Such a stressful three years. But I survived and even thrived. Although junior high seems so far away, I can still close my eyes and still picture myself walking down the halls of my school. And thanks to Facebook, I can still keep tabs on some of my best junior high friends (and crushes).

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

See You Next Tuesday

I'll admit it. I have a terrible potty mouth. I curse like a sailor and use bad words quite frequently. (And if I don't use bad words, I usually talk quite inappropriately about vulgar topics.) I have to hold it all in all day because I work with children (most of whom have worse mouths than I do, but I still have to be the adult). So when I get out of the classroom, I might have some built up frustration that I wasn't able to properly voice the way I had wanted so I let it loose. Nobody ever thinks I have Tourette's or anything, but I might overuse some choice words. Sometimes people are offended by my language, but I think they are just prudes.  If you don't want to hear it, earmuffs.

I am a highly educated woman, but sometimes in order to get my point across, I feel it necessary to just throw in a "fuck", "shit", or "twat."  I also know that there are certain times and places where these words are absolutely inappropriate and I refrain using them.  There are also some words that I save for very special occasions out of rage and anger. One in particular that I feel is very powerful: The "C You Next Tuesday Word". That's right, I said it: Cunt.  If I use this word about you or call it your face, you better believe I am pissed and that you most certainly deserve it. This world is vulgar.  It's disgusting. But it is oh so awesome and powerful. And it is sometimes just the best word to describe someone who you are angry at. It's also one of the few curse words that is not overused like the others because it seems to hold such a strong connotation. When I hear someone else use it, I know that they really are pissed.

There is a scene in the movie Bridesmaids where Kristen Wiig's character is arguing with a teenage girl in her store and calls her a cunt. I was so shocked it came out of her mouth (and to a teenager no less), and with perfect tone and timing that I found that to be one of the funniest scenes in the entire movie. I am sure there are others who found it completely the opposite, but they probably didn't like much of the movie anyway.

Personally, I rarely use the c-word because there are such extreme circumstances where it is necessary. I want it to maintain its power so I must be careful. One time a grad school professor overheard me talking about her and I used that word to describe her. Needless to say, that was the only B that I ever got in grad school. And although me calling her a cunt was totally deserving because the way she was treating me and some of my classmates, my B was not deserved. And yes, I am still bitter about it.

The only person that has called me the c-word to my face is my brother, but I don't take anything that comes out of that kid's mouth serious anyway. He throws around swear words like its his job so I take it with a grain of salt. I am sure I have been called it behind my back by others, and it was probably well-deserved, but I would most definitely have to reevaluate myself if I was called that for good reason to my face.

So once again, let me clarify: Cunt is a very bad word. Such a bad word that it such a great word. However, make sure and save it for a time where it really matters because, believe me, it will serve its purpose and will make you feel a million times better.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Tough Love or Common Sense?

I have been accused of watching a lot of crap TV. Of course I strongly disagree with those accusations. So what if I watch a lot of Bravo, MTV, and VH1 reality shows? Sue me. One show that is back on the air that I am a fan of is VH1's "Tough Love." If you haven't seen or heard of this show before (it's on its 4th season), its premise is to take a bunch of single women and have them confront their issues and ability to hold a man with some "tough love" from professional matchmaker Steve Ward. Think I can relate to this one? You betcha.

On this show, Steve puts these women through a series of "challenges" (usually with some twists and turns), mostly involving potential suitors for the ladies, with the purpose of having them see their mistakes first hand, learn from them and eventually form a connection or more with a nice young gentleman.

One of the most recent challenges that Steve puts the women through had to do with texting. With this being the most prominent means of communication for my generation between men and women, Steve really wanted to see if these ladies would sink or swim.  He gave them the phone number of men that they were to initiate a date with. He then gave them cell phones (their "loaded weapons") to have them figure out their next date with these guys. Being the sneaky bastard that he is, Steve programmed his number in all of their phones instead of their dates to see how these women handle texting with a potential suitor. The women thought they were texting their men, but it was really Steve replying to all of them. And while doing so, judging them and dishing out his rules on "dating texting etiquette." As he was critiquing them, this made me consider my texting habits with potential suitors and/or crushes. Man, maybe TV can be educational?!

As the women began starting their text conversations, many of them were doing things that Steve considered mistakes and were jeopardizing their chances of having that man remain interested in them. As I watched, it was interesting to see what a male professional matchmaker thinks scares other men away. Do I do these things to turn off guys? Do guys text these things to me and turn me off by it? Let's see if Steve is onto something with his texting rules or if they are just plain common sense...

Rule 1: Don't Drink and Text. This is one of the biggest mistakes my friends and I tend to make. Steve says drinking and texting is a bad idea and I would have to agree. The girl in question here had one measly glass of wine while texting. One. And this upset him.  When my friends or I break this rule, its usually not after a single glass of wine and not in daylight. It is usually after a bottle of wine and a very dark sky. No wonder this usually leads to nothing but embarrassment and regret the next day.

Rule 2: Just say no to emoticons and acronyms.  I rarely, if ever, use emoticons and am not a huge fan of receiving them. I find them to be effeminate and weird when guys use them. Same thing with acronyms. I have never once written the phrase "LOL" or "LMFAO" in a text. I obviously have received them being as funny as I am. But, I mean really? What is so funny that you are rolling on the floor laughing? I am not that hilarious. Don't flatter me. A simple "haha" will do. Don't be a weirdo.

Rule 3: Be patient. Steve says write one or two questions to a guy and wait for him to reply. Don't bombard him with questions right away. Give him time to reply to each one so you can have an actual conversation (as much as one texting allows you to). Otherwise he won't know which one to answer and will get overwhelmed and/or think you are crazy and just ignore you. Send your text and wait. He will write back. 

So overall, I am pretty good with Rule #2 and Rule #3. Sometimes I lose patience waiting for a response, but I just wait it out. I will usually just freak out over it in my head instead of writing him again. It's too creepy to keep asking questions without getting a response. So just relax.

I do still need to be careful with Rule #1 (and I know I am not the only one.) We live and learn from our mistakes and as I get older, I will hopefully get wiser with my decisions. Or I could just delete the numbers that get me into trouble....Problem solved, right?

Friday, October 14, 2011

From Nobody to Somebody

Early this week there was a video I saw on one of the many blogs I read of a young British girl singing Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass" and she was incredible. I mean, seriously, I was blown away.  By the end of the day, this girl was a YouTube sensation. It's amazing how a video going viral can turn a nobody into a somebody so fast. Sometimes it is real talent, but sometimes its just pure stupidity that becomes entertainment. Regardless, most of these people end up making bank and/or gaining some sort of celebrity status from these videos.

The videos below are some of my all time favorite YouTube videos. If you haven't seen or heard of any of them, congrats, you apparently live in a bubble. I pity you.

1. Antoine Dodson: Bed Intruder. I first learned of Antoine from a gossip blog I read about celebs and ridiculous news.  They showed his interview from a local news station about a break-in and attempted rape in his apartment.  Although a serious matter, his interview was hilarious. It wasn't supposed to be humorous, but his tone and delivery just could not be ignored. I couldn't get enough of him from the get go and my brother and I watched the interview over and over again. We continued to quote him the rest of the night. What we didn't realize was that Antoine was going to become famous off his interview. We thought we stumbled upon some random news story. This was so not the case. Just the next day, his interview had over a million hits on YouTube and some guys from Brooklyn auto-tuned and remixed it turning it into a hit song. It soon became my ring tone for when my brother called.

2.  Rebecca Black: Friday. Also with the help auto-tune, Rebecca Black came on the scene very fast. Additionally, she was not recognized for her talent, but for the pure ridiculousness of her song AND her video. What is so funny about her video is that it was NOT meant to be a joke. At all. It was just that bad. But so bad, it was so good. And yes, not embarrassed to say this is also on my iPod. And I have been known to sing this to my students on Fridays.

3. Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger. If YouTube was available at my school, I would most definitely show this video to my students in my Ecology unit as an example for food chains. It is both educational and hilarious. If you haven't seen this one before, its pretty damn funny and the creator has many videos as well. 

4. Chinese Boys: I Want it That Way. This video came out like six years ago and I could not get enough of it. I loved this song, but it was really all the facial expressions and choreography of these guys as well as the random friend in the background just sitting there that really made me a fan. It made the rounds really fast but unfortch for them, this was still a time where the people in these videos didn't really become famous right away. Sorry guys. You won me over though!

5. Sophia Grace: Super Bass. The most current YouTube sensation. This little girl is not only adorable, but she impressed the hell out of me by knowing all the lyrics to this song in her adorable little British accent. Most recently she went on Ellen to perform and was surprised by Nicki Minaj herself. Very classy move Nicki. No wonder you are so popular and well-liked.

There are obviously hundreds, if not thousands of videos on YouTube that draw millions of viewers each day. There are some that are just plain dumb, some that are super funny, and there others that are full of actual talent.  If it makes its way in the right hands or the right person views it, a star can be born. Hmmmm....maybe I should post a video...

Thursday, October 13, 2011

No Doubles For Me

My parents know I like to party. They know I like to go out and drink, dance, and have a good time. Last winter break they saw a side of me that no one's parents should ever see and I don't even remember it. Ooops. From what I do recall, it wasn't a good scene and the fact that I woke up with no sheets on my hotel bed (gross!) and bruises all over my arms, I knew something bad went down. And they will never let me forget it even though we laugh about it now.

My family went to Puerto Vallarta over winter vacation. Our first family trip together in almost ten years. We were all so excited to finally go somewhere tropical again in the cold winter. My brother and I were going to share a room and my parents were right across the way in their own room. We got in late the first night so didn't go out, but the second night my bro and I were ready to party. At an all-inclusive resort, we were at the disposal of as much free booze and food as we wanted. Our room even had a bar in it with all the free alcohol we could imagine and fridge full of beer and mixers (that was refilled daily). Awesome.

We went down to watch the special performance of the night and started drinking. I made the mistake of having my brother order the drinks each time. If I don't drink beer, I will usually drink vodka sodas so he ordered me one of those. But here was the kicker...without my knowledge he ordered me a DOUBLE vodka soda. Then when I was done, another one and another one. As much as I drink, I can't seem to build much of a tolerance so three regular vodka sodas would have been plenty for me to hit the discoteque, but I had the equivalent of six. Not okay. As the night progressed, things start to get fuzzy and I know we went down to the discotecque with some friends we made, danced a lot, and drank even more. Eventually after making out with two different dudes (who my brother nicely pointed out to me the next day), my bro apparently had enough of my antics and left me there with my new friends. Thankfully one of the girls walked me to my room. This is where the trouble began. (Btw, this was all told to me the following morning after I woke up on in my bra and underwear on a sheetless bed, with one of the worst hangovers EVER.) My dad came to wake me and my brother up and I told them I needed to sleep longer. I asked what happened last night and they laughed and pointed to a pile of sheets in the corner of the room saturated with vomit. They then filled me in on what happened...

My new had friend walked me up to my room shortly after my bro ditched me (around 2 am-ish). I got into bed and then began throwing up violently like The Exorcist. I was wretching so loudly that my parents heard from across the hall and came over to see what was going on. My mom was hysterical that I was actually this drunk and thought I had alcohol poisoning.  My brother threw them out of the room yelling that he would handle this (Thanks!), and tossed me in the the bathtub (while still in my bra and underwear) and put the shower on. (This is where the bruises came from.) He stripped my bed and then tossed me back into bed to sleep it off. When I woke up the next morning, I threw up again the bathroom and obviously not wanting to miss a minute of the Mexican sun, had my mom drag my ass down to breakfast where I couldn't even look at food and made my way to our beach chairs. But not before stopping to throw up again on the beach with my mom holding onto me with a mixture of embarrassment and concern. When I finally made it to the chairs I laid down and closed my eyes. Time to work on my tan, hangover be damned. My dad brought me some food to try to eat and water to drink. I managed to get some of it down, until about 10 minutes later, I turned and threw up right over the edge of my beach chair. I was starting to feel a little better. About an hour later, I tried to eat again and about a half hour after that, turned to the other side of my chair and threw that up. I was improving by the hour.  Throwing up in the sand is great because you can just bury it and forget its there. Perfection.

My parents were a bit mortified that their then 28 year-old daughter was so hungover. They were even more concerned that kind of thing happens to me every weekend in NYC. I assured them it didn't and this was quite possibly the drunkest I have ever been which was the truth. My brother was hysterically laughing because he is younger and could handle his liquor better. Whatevs. I learned my lesson. Never let him order me drinks again. That is all. For the rest of vacation I ordered my own drinks and didn't have any other incidents. Mom and dad, I know you are reading this, but need not worry, I do not get like that every weekend so rest assure.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I don't wanna wait...

Most of the people who I am close with know that I watch a lot of TV. A Lot. With the miracle that is DVR in my life, I am able to watch so much more crap than I used to. It really is amazing. I watch a lot of reality TV shows but also some comedies and dramas.  And although I watch a lot of current TV shows, there are some oldies that I still wish would air somewhere in re-runs. I thank my lucky stars that Soap Network airs Gilmore Girls, 90210, and One Tree Hill, TV Guide channel has The Hills, ABC Family has Full House, and Oxygen has Roseanne. And obviously the old hits like Seinfeld, Everybody Loves Raymond, Sex and The CitySaved by the Bell, and Friends are syndicated on many other networks. Even that newish channel, The Hub, shows Doogie Howser, Family Ties, and Wonder Years. These are great for rainy days or days when I actually have nothing on DVR. (I am abnormally anal about clearing it quite fast so this does happen.) And if all else fails and nothing I want to watch is on, I am sure there is an episode of Law and Order on somewhere.  However, there are some shows that I still really miss and wish I could watch again. Maybe someone in the TV biz will read this and pick them up. (Severely doubtful, but worth a try.) Anyway, below are some shows that I really wish would air again.

1) Dawson's Creek  We all hear the name of this show and automatically think of the opening credit song. "I don't wanna wait...for our lives to be over...". Well I don't want to wait anymore to watch some of these episodes again. P.S. I was always a Pacey girl. Dawson was too neurotic and effeminate for me.

2) The Wire  I didn't watch this when it was on TV because I couldn't afford HBO, but a friend had the entire series on DVD and lent it to me. I couldn't stop watching it once I saw episode one. I actually felt lucky that I could watch so many episodes in a row and didn't watch it when it was on and have to wait until the following week to see what would happen next. This show was drug in itself and I couldn't get enough. It didn't hurt that Stringer Bell was one sexy man. Damn. 

3) Laguna Beach. Don't judge. But I loved this show. And it actually launched a lot of careers (as well as wanna be celebrities). I am a Lauren Conrad fan. She seems to have very little personality but is a beautiful girl who obviously had enough good sense to turn her reality TV fame into a successful clothing line, book series (yes, I have read them all and enjoyed them), and has managed to stay out of the tabloids with negative publicity. Laguna also had a very popular opening credit song.

4) Friday Night Lights. I know this series just ended, but seriously, it was the best show on TV. You didn't have to be a sports fan to enjoy this show. It had the sports, the drama, and excellent acting as well. I mean, in what other show can you have a crush on both the high school football coach and the starting quarterback of the team?

Honorable mentions: Just the Ten of Us, Early seasons of the Real World and Road Rules, Mad About You, Picket Fences, Everwood, Murphy Brown, My Two Dads, and Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica.

There are many more honorable mentions that I could have listed but didn't want to risk embarrassing myself further by my choices.  I suppose I could go out and buy some of these complete series collections in DVD, but what's the fun in that? I mean, I own the SATC series and still insist on watching it on TV all the time and same with seasons 1-3 of 90210. So if anyone out there with some real power is reading this, please, please, please make these happen.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Hey Pretty Eyes

"Hey Beautiful." "Ay Mami."  "Hey Pretty Eyes." "Damn girl." "God Bless." Ah, someone in East Harlem appreciates me. When I walk down the street uptown, one would think that I am some sort of supermodel.  Apparently if you are a blue-eyed, blond hair "thick" white girl with a booty, you are considered to be pretty desirable in Harlem. A hot commodity if you will. I think its the combination of the blue eyes and the big butt with the light skin that makes it such the rarity. However, that same blue-eyed, blond hair "thick" white girl with a booty walking pretty much anywhere below 96th street doesn't even get a second glance. Nothing. Nada.

Up in East Harlem, it seems that the standards for being beautiful are a little different than they are downtown. Culturally speaking, the neighborhood is predominantly Hispanic and Black. And culturally speaking, the men of those cultures seem to appreciate curvier women more than white men and there aren't too many women in that culture with blue eyes. Additionally, the guys uptown also don't have any shame in letting you know what they think about you.  Whether it's the 70 year-old playing dominoes outside the bodega, the group of twenty somethings that whistle at you, or the hot barber on the corner, they are letting you know they like what they see.  My friends and I always joke and wonder "is it wrong that this makes us feel good?" even though they do it to many girls that pass by? And I am not gonna lie, yes, it is flattering. Who doesn't like to be told they are pretty?  But even though it can be a confidence booster, eight times out of ten, it can be straight up creepy how intent these guys are to let you know they are "feeling ya".

In situations like these, one always wonders if its best to just ignore them and keep walking or to give a quick "thank you" and to keep walking.  I had a friend who once ignored the catcalls and kept walking and her compliment was quickly followed up with a "You're not that cute anyway, bitch. Keep walking". Although that response is pretty rare, I honestly think your best bet is to tell them thanks and be on your way. You are are appreciating their appreciation and they appreciate that. Make sense? Everyone's a winner.

What I do wonder about these guys is their intentions. Are they just literally just letting you know they like what they see or are they looking for something more? I mean, what smart, confident girl in their right mind would actually stop and start a conversation with one of these guys? Well believe me, no smart, confident girl does, but dumb, insecure girls often do and that's why the guys keep doing it and think that its totally okay. However, in the case of this girl, although I am a bit flattered, I am going to keep on walking, thank you politely, and just bask in the joy that at least someone thinks I am pretty. And the next time I am having a "ugly/fat" day, you better believe I will go out of my way to walk past you so I can get "hollered at." Hey, every little bit helps.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Bye, Bye, Bye Boy Bands

"You are my fire. My one desire." Oh BSB, you stole my heart many years ago. You were one of my favorite boy bands in a time where there were so many to choose from. Boy bands were an interesting fad. Some people loved them. Some hated them. And some just loved to hate them. They were so late nineties, early 2000's and I loved every second of it.

These boys were adorable. They could sing. And they could dance. Such a triple threat. And they made girls my age swoon. I never understood those girls that broke out into tears when they went to a concert and saw their favorite band. I was a fan, but not a psycho. I did go to two Backstreet Boys concerts and one N'Sync concert and remember singing my little heart out to all their songs. I have a ton of their songs on my iPod today and even know some of the choreography still! So lame. And by lame, I mean awesome.

The most popular boy bands of my time will never lose a place in my heart. Below, in all their glory are my favorite music videos from each of the popular boy bands of our time.

New Kids on the Block One of the first to really hit the scene. They became popular when I was in elementary school. I was a Joey girl. Some of my friends liked Jordan the best, but I stuck with Joey. He was just so damn adorable.

98 Degrees Oh, the Lachey brothers (Nick was always my fave) and then Jeff Timmons (who is now in a Chippendale's show) and the other one.

 Backstreet Boys OMG, swoon. This song and video still make me sing my heart out.
N'Sync Justin is still at it and hotter than ever. He was my favorite back then and I am still a fan today.

LFO When people still thought Abercrombie was popular. Ugh. RIP Rich Cronin.

O-Town One of MTV's first Making The Band groups. Reality TV, nice looking dudes, and music. I was sold. They didn't make it big enough to get a real music video though.

And one of my favorites was MTV's spoof movie about the boy band movie 2gether. Their songs were catchy and I actually couldn't stop singing one. "You....Plus sign. Me...Equal sign. Us."
So what was your favorite boy band? Could you sing along to these songs? Did it all come back to you? In a time where Bieber Fever has taken over, its good to look back and see a whole group of heart throbs perform as one. And if these videos weren't enough for you, check out this incredible link for the 52 reasons why boy bands were better in the 90's. Looking at these, I am confused as to why I was so enamored with these guys. But it was a different time back then. A different time indeed.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Are you "That girl"?

Are you one of "those girls"? The one who meets a guy then drops everyone else in your life? The one who talks about her boyfriend in pretty much every other sentence? The one, who if your relationship fails, expects all your other friends to be right there for you even though you completely blew them off for a few months (or even more) for this guy? Are you "that girl" that I can not stand?

I really hope that I am not describing you. And if I am, we probably aren't friends anyway. Girls like you probably don't even realize you are one of "those girls" and I honestly feel bad for you. I have known many of you in my lifetime and against my better judgement, I gave you more than one chance. You know the old adage "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Well, after being fooled twice (and sometimes more...shame on me!) by so-called friends, I learned that I wasn't going to put myself in those situations again, especially as we get older and you should know better.

I am a firm believer that if you have a significant other in your life, you have to maintain a healthy balance between that person and your friends.  I know a new relationship is exciting and you want to see that person as much as possible, and that's totally fine. I get it. And you should spend time getting to know each other and relishing in the "in like" stage. Totally normal. But you have to remember the people who were important in your life before then. They are the ones that want you be so happy. They are excited for you. So don't forget about them. Because if you put all your eggs in one basket (new bf) and it doesn't work out, then these are the people you want to have console you and have around you. But if you blow them off for your new man, they won't be around to help you anymore.

Another helpful hint if you are "that girl": No one wants to hear about your boyfriend all the time. I don't care what he had for lunch. What TV show he watched last night. Where his boss is going on vacation. Really, I don't give two shits. (And really, I had a friend that would tell me these things. I would actually just walk away during these one-sided conversations.) What makes you think I care? Is this the only thing we have to talk about anymore since you have abandoned everything else in your life for him? I really feel badly for you. More so because you don't even realize what you are doing. You really don't get it. And you truly believe everyone around you wants to hear every little detail about you and him. We don't. Get a clue. The more you do this, we want to spend even less time with you whether we like your boyfriend or not. And it sucks, because you use to be you and I loved hanging out with you. But now you have simply become "his girlfriend" and you are insufferable.

So to all you girls out there, you should find a man that loves you. We all deserve that. But remember your other friends who were there for you many times before he came along. You want them to experience your happiness with you. Don't drive them away. You need balance. You need friends. Figure it out. And then maybe we can talk. And if I ever, ever become one of "those girls", feel free to smack some sense into me. Literally. Because I will for sure deserve it.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Can I still do that?

I am in severe denial. These are my last few months in my twenties and I can't handle it. I really don't see myself as being an almost 30 year old.  I can't be that old. No way. This year has been one of the most fun years of my life. However as I seem to get older, I have kinda, sorta began to regress with some of my behaviors. I have no real issues with it, but apparently I should be maturing with age, not going backwards. So as I continue to get older, I ask myself:  "What behaviors will no long be appropriate when I am 30?"

When I am 30 is it still acceptable to... 
1) Puke and rally?
2) Throw up in general after a night of drinking?
3) Tell people I am 25?
4) Still drunk dial my crush at 3 am to "hang out"?
5) To dance on the bar?
6) To fill a water bottle with booze for the subway ride downtown on a night out?
7) To still go on a "woo-hoo" spring break?
8) Call my mommy crying when I am frustrated?
9) To call my mom "mommy"?
10) Have my mom call someone and pretend to be me because I am not sure how to handle a situation and she does?
11) Make-out with the random in the bar?
12) Make-out with the bouncer at the bar?
13) Watch Gossip Girl/90210/One Tree Hill or any other CW show meant for teenagers?
14) Watch new seasons of the Real World even though the cast is like 10 years younger than me?
15) Drunkenly public urinate because I just can't make it home and really, really have to pee?

I am not saying that I still do all of these things (well, maybe...), but whether I am turning 30, 40, or even 50, there are some behaviors that I do not think I will ever be to old to do. They are just a part of me and yes, they may be immature or inappropriate for someone my age, but I have accepted them, so you should to.

Monday, October 3, 2011

He's Just Not That Into You

I decided to watch the movie He's Just Not That Into You this past weekend when it was on TV.  Although I have seen numerous times, I felt the need to DVR it and watch it again.  I already know how true the title of the movie is and that it might as well be called "The Story of My Life" but whatevs. I also remember when the phrase "He's just not that into you" was first spoken on television. It was the episode of SATC when Berger was at dinner with Carrie and Miranda. While Miranda was talking about a guy she liked who she hadn't heard from, her and Carrie began making excuses for this dude. They ask for Berger's opinion on the sitch, and he gives it to her straight with the now famous line "He's just not that into you." Carrie was mortified and Miranda was enlightened.  It was some of the best advice she had ever gotten. Coming from another guy, Miranda felt relieved, felt a giant weight had been lifted from her shoulders, and wanted more information. Why had she wasted her time thinking about a guy who most obviously wasn't thinking about her? And why were her friends making excuses for this guy who obviously didn't like their friend?

This happens way too often to women of all ages. We meet a guy, we like him, we go out one or more times, then things come to a halt.  Instead of believing that he really just isn't interested anymore (because he's obviously too big of a jerk/pussy to tell us), we make excuses for why we haven't heard from him. "Maybe he's sick?" "Family emergency?" He's probably really caught up at work." "Wait, is my phone even working?" or some of the ones from the movie of friends telling other friends why the guy didn't call:
  • "He likes you too you too much. You're too pretty and too awesome. He can't handle it."
  • "I am sure he just lost your number"
  • "He's not asking you out because he's intimidated by your professional success."
  • "Trust me, he's just getting out of a serious relationship"
  • "Trust me, its because he's never had a serious relationship"
I am guilty of thinking these or saying these to some of my friends (especially the first one), and meaning them.  I mean, why would someone NOT be into me? Or any of my friends? You are the company you keep after all, and I am awesome, so obvi they are as well. He can't NOT be into me. It has to be one of these things above and/or he has terrible taste in women. But the truth is, he really isn't feeling it. He doesn't like me. And that's fine, but its just a huge blow to the ego that straight up sucks. And its even harder for us when we hold on the idea of this whole thing working out anyway. I mean, I really this guy, but if he actually does like me, he WILL call. If we can only just be honest with ourselves and to each other, we would feel so much better. And we deserve that.

So why do us girls make these excuses for these guys? And why do our friends help perpetuate them?  I am friends with some intelligent, fun, smart and amazing women, but sometimes we get so caught up in this shit; we lose ourselves a bit. We actually don't believe why someone wouldn't be interested in us. It's like we need to hear it straight from his mouth which will never happen or just get that epiphany that Miranda got from Berger. That shouldn't have to happen. We know we are fantastic and deserve the best, yet we wait around for this guy or decide that we are the ones that are going to take the lead. Sorry ladies, if he really likes us, he will take charge and pursue us, not the other way around. It will happen. (At least that's what I keep having to tell myself.) Why would I want to hang out with a guy that doesn't reciprocate those feelings? I deserve the best and I know this so I am not going to waste my time with any excuses anymore. I don't have the time, energy, or patience for it. And I am better than this! If he likes me, he will take action. Period. End of story.

And if you don't believe that the dude really isn't into even though you and your friends are making excuses for him, maybe some random stranger on the street will set you straight.