Have you ever had that feeling where you walk into a room and feel that everyone is staring at you? Do you feel they are looking at you because you are simply stunning? Because your ass looks absolutely fabulous in those pants? Because you have that giant zit on your face? Or is it because you feel that all eyes are on you because you are the ugliest, fattest chick in the room? I am sad to say that I get the ladder feeling quite often. I know a lot of it is in my head, and that everyone else is so caught up with themselves that they don't give a shit about me, but sometimes this feeling paralyzes me.
The last few weeks I have been having this feeling and I am finally just starting to get over it. I am not at my heaviest weight by any means at all, which usually sets this off, but I still just don't feel like myself. I truly believe the reason behind these feelings are because I haven't really been able to workout lately because of the recovery of my broken foot and the subsequent injury of a different part of it. You don't realize how big a part exercise plays in your life until its really taken away from you. I am not myself (physically AND mentally) without being able to workout. Sounds nuts, right? But its the truth. I am finally getting back in a routine again and I know that this is improving my social situation. Because I am not totally back on track yet, it's been really hard to get myself to go out to bars and parties because of this awful feeling in my head. And to make things more difficult, its not something that is easy to explain to those that I am close to. It's kind of embarrassing. When I try to explain to some of my friends why I am staying in, they just don't get it. As someone who use to go out multiple times a week and now nothing, its very difficult to explain what's different. Try explaining to your skinny/pretty friend (or even your skinny/pretty mother) that you are so uncomfortable going out because you feel so fat/ugly/uncomfortable in your own skin and get met with a confused response. They just don't get it. And its too hard to explain without crying. (And yes, I know I should see a therapist about this.)
To me, when I feel like this, there is just too much pressure and anxiety in social situations so I just don't put myself in them. Situations where I am not feeling confident in myself and know that if I do go out, will end in tears. I will be in a crowded bar or party and get these feelings where it takes so much in me from crying that I have to excuse myself before it actually happens. I have been in bars before and I literally had to leave and go home so I didn't burst into tears right then and there. This has happened before, but thankfully not in years. To be in that sensitive and emotional place in my head is not any fun at all. I get very self-conscious and unsure of myself and the negative feelings start to spiral out of control. They get even worse if I am out and a guy comes up and starts talking to/flirting with me. One would think this would help me feel better about myself, but that's not the case. If a guy does happen to talk to me while out, in my head it's because of a dare or a joke. He must have lost a bet where he has to go up and talk to the DUFF (designated, ugly, fat friend....um, didn't anyone watch Average Joe years ago?). Why else would he talk to me? There are tons of other skinny, beautiful girls in this bar, why are they talking to me? Why are they interested in me when there are so many better options right under their nose? I am utterly confused by this and just makes me feel worse. Ugh.
I am happy to say that I am finally getting back to myself and getting out of my funk. However, I have actually been really enjoying staying in and its a really easy habit to get used to. Laying low, watching movies, and going to bed early is so refreshing, especially as the weather has turned colder. Because I am usually out and about all day during the weekends, I don't mind just coming home and relaxing the rest of the night. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything at night and I know I will wake up renewed and hangover-free the next morning. As things start to look on the bright side again for me mentally and physically and I begin to morph back into my confident, happy-go-lucky self again, I can only hope I will be able to walk into a bar or a party and hope that all eyes are on me for the positive. Until then, I just need to do the things that make me happy and comfortable: staying in, waking up early, and hitting the gym. The rest will fall back into place.
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