Go(al)ing at it a little differently in 2016

For the last two years I have written a New Year's post about my goals for the upcoming year. I was always super excited to write that post and thrilled at the possibilities ahead of me for the year to come. However, this year is a little different because of where my head is at. I am demoralized. I am jaded. And I am just not that thrilled with where my life is at right now. Of all the goals that I wrote down last year, I really do not think I achieved any of them. And that sucks. To sit back and look at 2015 and not really be happy with much of it really sucks. I would have to say the highlight of the year was this summer when I was off from work and just traveling and enjoying myself with few cares. It was awesome. Why can't life be one giant long summer vacation? Oh yeah, because that's not real life. So with my actual real life, instead of making a bunch of goals this year that are mildly specific and ones that I may not reach, I have one goal for 2016, and that goal is to BE HAPPY.

In 2016 I want to be consistently happy again. I don't think that's too much to ask for. In order for that to happen, I know quite a few things need to change. But also, I need to make sure and do the everyday things make me happy on a regular basis. They are the ones keeping me sane day in and day out and keeping my head above water, so they will not be going anywhere.

Now, for the new year, because I am fearful (which isn't like me at all), I am making statements, not resolutions or goals. In these statements one can see goals embedded to a certain degree but they are not clearly defined. I am not listing them the way I have in the past in order to avoid disappointment, because to be honest, I can't handle much more of that. It's not that I am scared of failing, but okay, yes, I guess I am. I feel I have failed so many times this year that putting this differently might make me not feel so much like someone who just can't get it done. So in 2016, here's what needs to happen...

* I want to enjoy running every time I step outside (or on the treadmill).  I don't want it to be something I "have to do." I want it to be something that I am excited to do each and every time. I want it to be something I look forward to. I want it to be something that I feel challenged with and through that challenge, I know I will see improvement and this will translate over to my race times.

* I want to take more fitness classes that interest me and not worry too much about how much they cost because these things always make me happy. They always add an extra pep in my step. Although this can sometimes be hard with my schedule, I want to be more open to it on the weekends. Mile High and SoulCycle are already part of that routine and I want to add more Barry's, CityRow, Y7 yoga, ShadowBox, and definitely something with more strength training. These types of classes are always ass-kicking and I always walk out feeling totally high on endorphins. I want more of this.

* I want to appreciate the things that are actually accomplishments even though I felt letdown. A marathon is a big deal and I should be proud for completing one (let alone ten). But instead, if I don't make my goal, I have a hard time appreciating the whole effort as a whole. The reason behind this is because I kind of have this feeling that anyone can train and run one if they really set their mind to it. The thing I don't always seem to realize is that not everyone has that certain drive to even start there. I have drive and I should be proud of myself for that even if I don't PR. And on the same page, with coaching basketball, I should be proud of a winning season even if we don't win the city title. I need to get rid of that feeling that if I don't get all the way done in the way I had expected that I am a failure. Not everything ends with me falling short is necessarily a failure. This one is going to take a little while longer to wrap my head around and accept.

* I want to be able to rid myself of people who do not contribute to my happiness. This is actually something I have been working on recently because I have realized that if someone is taking away happiness from me, there is no room for them in my life.  Sometimes this is tricky or difficult if its a friend I've had for a while. But if that friend continually makes me feel bad about myself or doesn't accept me for who I am, its time to just cut my losses. Additionally, this can happen with guys.  They may unknowingly be doing it, but if it makes me feel bad about myself, its simply not worth it. If these people can't contribute to my happiness, why do I need them around? I will not allow other people to make me feel like shit. I do that enough to myself where I don't need outsiders doing the same. I don't need to be making excuses for why people are treating me the way they are. I use be surprised that I was only attracted to flaky guys, but the more I think about it, its not that those guys are flaky, they are just uninterested. It's pretty simple actually. I'm not one to make excuses for reasons why someone didn't text back or why they don't "have time" to see me. It's simple, they don't care enough and once I accept that, its a whole lot easier. Related to this, as I am getting older, many of the few good friends I do have, are in relationships or married and have kids and have their own lives that I just simply don't fit into anymore as a single thirty-something. That happens and that's okay, but when these relationships are no longer fulfilling, sometimes its time to let them go. This can be hard to do, but as our interests and priorities change, sometimes its time to let them go as well. We all have people that this will never happen with, but if someone makes me feel like I am not worth their time or not good enough anymore, I can't let it bring me down.

* I want to find a job fulfills me again. I cannot stay at my current job if my feelings about it don't change. I can't do it. Ever since last year, I've had these feelings of boredom, annoyance, unappreciation, and just being stuck, that I thought would go away over the summer and they haven't. I always promised myself I would not be one of those people who hates their job. When something like your job, which consumes some 70% of your life makes you unhappy, its time to get out. And I think it's my time to get out. I can't spend my weekdays counting down to the weekend and my weekends fearing the upcoming week ahead. It's unfair to me to have a feeling of dread all the time. I never wanted to be that person that I've become regarding work because it's such a turn-off. If at the end of the school year I need to call it quits and enjoy my summer while looking for work (perhaps waitressing or working retail) while I find something that suits me more (something in the fitness industry or coaching/sports), then I may have to do that. If I can't do that now, when can I? But I know I can't keep teaching next year. It's ruining me day by day.

* I want to be physically closer to my family. (Not so close where I move back in their house, because let's face it, we love each other a ridiculous amount, but that might change if I moved in as an adult.) I am not getting any younger and my parents aren't either and as so many other parts of my life are not where I want them, maybe a physical move back to Chicago is part to my answer to finding happiness. I absolutely love the city of Chicago and my family is there, so maybe now is the time. Sure, it would be awesome if they all moved to NYC, but unfortunately, I don't think that's in the cards for them (although I don't think my mom would mind too much). I would miss New York incredibly, but it may be time. (I actually think if I moved back to Chicago I would miss the energy of NYC more than anything or anyone else.) I've never experienced summer in Chicago as an adult or actually lived in the city and although no city will ever compare to NYC (that's the truth), Chicago comes in pretty damn close and I know I'd be lucky to live there too.

* I want to continue to travel. There is really nothing that fulfills me more than traveling. The feeling of seeing new places, exploring something I've only read about, and just wandering (and running!!)  a new location brings me an insurmountable amount of joy. If money were no object, I'd be constantly wandering the world. There is so much I still have yet to see and I want to get out there and see as much as I can. I have to be realistic about my finances with traveling, but I also know that there are ways to make it happen.

I want to be happy again. I want 2016 to be the year where things turn around for me. But in order to do that, I do need to make some changes. I feel stuck right now and know that I am very capable of being happy, but for that to happen, I can't let things remain the way they are. Change is scary, but sometimes its just necessary, especially for someone like me who is very rigid and routine. But clearly, that hasn't been working out for me so much the past year and it's causing more angst and unhappiness than it should. I know I want a lot of things to happen in the next year, but I also know they are not unattainable. They won't all happen at once and I may have some unexpected set-backs that drag me down more, but I am sick of being unhappy. I don't deserve it and if there are ways to fix it (which there are), I need to make it happen. Seriously,  2016 has to a big year for me. I feel there is going to be a lot of new things happening and that will hopefully lead to road of happiness, because I can't bear for it to continue to way its been going. Here's to 2016!!