Go(al)ing for it in 2015

Last year, right at the start of 2014, I made a list of goals I wanted to conquer during the year. By typing them out and putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboards), I was holding myself accountable. I also felt I was very realistic with my goals so it was upsetting that some of them were not reached. But all hope is not lost! There did happen to be some that I was able to accomplish and will keep up with but I did not achieve a majority of them and they are very much still works in progress.

Out of my eight goals, I was only able to really achieve two and a half of them. I was able to complete a five minute plank, I was able to get more involved with the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation (CCFA), and I was more conscious of what types of food I was eating (that's why this counts as half), although not consistently. So two out of eight it was. Blah. Better than zero out of eight.

But let's talk really quick about what I actually did do. A Five minute plank. Five whole minutes in the plank position. It was intense. I was profusely sweating. But it was awesome. I wanted to give myself a huge high five afterwards because I really felt good about myself. That is no easy fete. I worked hard toward this. Leading up to this goal, I made myself a planking schedule gradually increasing my time by 15 second increments over time and finally got there. It was definitely exhilarating to do that.

My second goal achieved was to get more involved in the CCFA community and that I did, in more ways than I had actually planned. Not only did I volunteer with Camp Oasis over the summer (and love every second of it), I was able to get involved with the IBDKids which is a nonprofit charity through Mount Sinai Hospital's gastroenterology department. I was able to form this connection through working at camp and they are actually the reason I was able to run the NYC Marathon. I hope it is a connection that I maintain as well. I actually wrote a piece for their upcoming newsletter which will go out to all the families that the IBDkids clinic helps. Stay tuned.

Although both of these goals were achieved, I am clearly not done with either one of them. I want to be able to do a 5:00 plank again. Since I stopped doing that time each and every time I planked, I have to begin working my way up to that time again. And perhaps adding some side-planking in there.  And I plan to volunteer at Camp Oasis again. And who knows, perhaps I will run the NYC Marathon for Team IBDKids again next year!!

But now that 2014 is just about done, and 2015 is almost upon us, I wanted to do the same public goal setting I did last year. Let me clarify that these are not new year's resolutions, but goals. Some of these goals are moving straight from my 2014 list and right to my 2015 list. I don't care if I am adding pressure on myself, I want these accomplished and they are important to me and I refuse to give up on them. Some of them are not just things I can check off a list though. Some are measurable but others are more mental/emotional goals that will take some time but are worth focusing on. This time around I am doing my goal setting a  bit earlier because I have been thinking about them more. I want to make things happen this year and intend to do my best to get to where I need to be, physically and mentally in achieving these goals.

1) Run another sub 2-hour half-marathon. I was so sure I was going to do this in 2014 but my health had other ideas. For the first time ever, I actually trained for a half marathon, the Rock and Roll DC half marathon in March, but I could't run it.  Unfortunately my usual springtime Ulcerative Colitis flare had other ideas in store for me. I had to bail on the race because of my health and start back from scratch to semi-train for the Brooklyn Half in May. I was able to gain back my endurance pretty quickly but then four days before the race, I broke my thumb! This put a little damper and pain on completing this race, but I was two minutes and 11 seconds from getting under two hours. I am not blaming the thumb one bit because it didn't affect me that much, but I know I have it in me to get a sub-2 hour half. I have done it once before, and I know I can do it again. My next goal half-marathon is going to be the NYC Half Marathon in March so I will work my ass off to get there. (And I am also signed up for the More/Fitness Half Marathon in April and then hopefully the Brooklyn Half Marathon in May.) As I've said before, I have run a sub 2-hour half before, but under a friend's name so it's not on my account and I really want it there. Plus, I know I am capable of doing it again. I'm not even asking for a PR here (but this would obviously be awesome), I just want to get at least a 1:59:59. I am hoping more speed-work, cross-training, and even my November Project workouts will all contribute to me picking up the pace a bit. (A nice, flat course would be helpful too!) 

2) Run a sub 4:30 marathon. Please don't get me started on this one again. The fact I missed this goal by 33 seconds in Chicago is still upsetting to me. I was so ready for this and so sure of myself. Like, I really felt there was no way this wasn't happening for me. But, then, it didn't happen. Ugh. The good news is, I can try again for this. And I plan to. I will enter the lottery for the Chicago Marathon again. (And if the option to do NYC comes my way, I may take that offer too.) And I will train again. And dedicate myself to achieving this goal again. I need to figure out how to reduce the brutal leg cramping and if I can stop that from happening, I hope this goal will be a reality for me in 2015. I even bought a running-training journal to help me track all of this. I've read writing down your goals does improve performance. So perhaps what I am doing here and what I will do in my Believe journal will yield my desired results.  

3) Cross train and weight/resistance train more. I go through phases of this so I really need to be more consistent with my sit-ups, push-ups and weight lifting. This needs to be the year of gaining some upper body strength. I think this will help contribute to goals one and two as well. Having all around strength will hopefully help me gain speed, and even some more confidence. I also will continue to do spin classes which I really love doing. It's good cross-training and I thoroughly look forward to it and enjoy it.  

4) Stop stressing the small stuff. Over the years, I have gotten significantly better at this, but there are still nagging things that keep me up at night. I literally will not sleep over them because I worry. Over stupid shit, that is out of my control. Yet, I let it get to me. And I over think and over think. And stress. It's not healthy. Not for me mentally, and not for my UC. Perhaps I need to be medicated (Xanax anyone?) to help control this. Or perhaps I need to not take things so seriously and just let them go. I am a little intense and high strung, and I like that about myself to a certain degree, but sometimes it gets the best of me and I need to just relax and take some deep breaths and move on. 

5) Stop obsessing over food/drink/calories so much. Last year I wanted to eat cleaner, but this year I want to stop obsessing and worrying over food in general. It was a minor victory of mine to become more conscious of the types of foods I put in my mouth. In general, I would say I am a pretty healthy eater. I enjoy fruits and vegetables a lot (and just wish they were cheaper!) and I now avoid a lot more processed foods than in the past and will continue to do so. But this year, I want to focus more on not obsessing over calories so much and not fearing and resenting them so much, even in healthy food. Obviously I don't fear them enough to be anorexic or bulemic (thankfully, but secretly wish I had that self-control) but food is one of my biggest struggles in life. And it is something I simply cannot avoid because I need it to live, obviously. Oh yeah, and I love it so much. I don't know if I will ever beat the food demons that I face every single second of every day, but they control the thoughts in my head and my decisions in life a lot. Like a lot, a lot. Literally, everyday I fight my inner demons in over this and it eats me up (pun actually intended). I am so active all the time and know I need to fuel my body, but to a certain degree, I sometimes tend to say "screw it, I want that cheeseburger."  What can I say? I love food. But it baffles me that I have such discipline in so many aspects of my life, but simply cannot resist a craving sometimes. And then the guilt sets in. It's a terrible, terrible thing. This year, I have to get over some of that and allow myself to enjoy food, but also know when to say no. 

6) Be nicer to myself. Yeah, this one. Again. I am positive I am my own worst enemy and I realize if I can't be nice to myself, how can I expect others to be? I need to stop looking in the mirror and scrutinizing every inch of myself. All the pimples, dimples, wrinkles, and flaws. Tearing myself apart and then literally tearing up. It's really awful. I look in the mirror and wonder how anyone else could possibly find any of this attractive because I sure don't. It's just so gross to me, so how could anyone else appreciate it? It sucks. But until I am able to accept myself better and love myself more, I just don't know if I can be 100% open to dating someone. Sure, I'll actually date them for a little while, but actually allowing myself to let my guard down, let someone in and believe their like (or even love) is genuine is so difficult for me and I just don't know why. But moral of the story, if I like me more, so will others. But how can I do that? That's the thing! I just don't know how and need to learn. My body is so strong and does so much for me, I need to be able to appreciate that. I want embrace it. I want to love it. I want to be proud of it. And I will work toward doing so. This is totally my biggest struggle in life. 

7) Start enjoying myself a little more. Because some of my other issues, I feel that I don't allow myself to have the fun I deserve sometimes. And that I miss out on some social things because I am too scared it will make me fatter, or it will cause me to be more tired, or it will make me miss a workout. I really do fear I am going to look back one day and regret not going out more and taking advantage of my youth. I am a naturally energetic person, am actually super fun (!!!), and almost always have a good time when I go out, so why can't I just let myself live a little more?? This I need to do. I owe it to myself. I need to "let go" a little more and just "live it up" a little. But I also think the other goals I mentioned above need to come into place for me to actually do this.

Many of these goals are intertwined with each other and affect each other. Some of these goals are going to be much harder to reach than others because they are not simple. They will take work; both mental mentally and physically. They will take dedication and they will take a certain mindset and consistent positive energy. I need to stick with them all and make sure that I am keeping tabs on all of these. Some are not exactly measurable so will have to check-in with myself and hopefully will start to see little changes along the way that snowball into big overall effects. It might not all come together in a year and that's okay. But I can't let that stop me from reaching my goals. I am not one to back down and give up so here its, right for everyone to read. 2015 should have a lot in store and I can only hope that it's a year of seeing results and being happy and healthy. Let's do this.