Anyway, today I was scheduled for a standard colonoscopy because I haven't had one in a long time. I've actually never even had one here in New York and I've never actually had one when I was healthy. so these were two new parts of this whole experience for me. My previous three colonoscopies were all in Chicago and all because of bad flares. And because this wasn't my first rodeo, I knew what to expect. (See below of a mini recap of past colonoscopies and one sigmoidoscopy.) If you've ever had one of these before, you know the prep for the actual colonoscopy is far worse than the actual procedure. If you don't know that, let me explain...
Before one gets a colonoscopy, which is basically a scope (and usually biopsies) of the inside of your large intestine, those insides need to be clean. There can't be anything in that colon so when the doctor puts the air in the colon to get his/her view with the scope, they get a clear shot. So in order for that to happen you can't eat any solid food the day before (you can only consume clear liquids, chicken stock, or yellow jello and/or Popsicles. That's it.) and have to then take some hard-core laxatives that basically make you poop until, as I like to say, you are pissing out of your asshole. Yeah, I went there. There is literally just the most watery diarrhea ever coming out of your anus. You have to poop until only clear liquid is coming out. Here's the thing though, what makes this happen isn't just a laxative pill you pop and then wait for the magic to happen; this is that combined with some vile, thick, salty liquid that is hard to get down. Thinking about it now even makes me queasy. It's horrible. Any sane person usually mixes it with another liquid (sprite, yellow Gatorade, apple or white grape juice) to help mask the taste, but that usually doesn't help (and if it does, you'll almost be guaranteed not to drink that mixer again for a VERY long time because it will remind you of the prep). Once that stuff kicks in, you feel the gargle in your belly and you are basically racing to and from the toilet the rest of the night cleaning out that colon.
The next morning at the hospital (get an early appointment, trust me), the anesthesiologist puts you out (I LOVE this part) and the gastro does his/her thing and then you are taken to a room to come out of anesthesia and to "pass gas." Yup, they put you in a room to fart out all the air they put inside you. And for the rest of the day, its just time to rest. No operating heavy machinery or anything too intense, so a nice excuse to sleep it off and relax. And oh yeah, eat solid food again! Woohoo. All in all, for someone like me with IBD and for older people who have colon cancer running in their family, this is an absolutely necessary procedure. It may not be the most pleasant, but it can be very informative.
So here's the good news: The doctor said everything looks great inside my colon. There was like no inflammation which means my Remicade treatments are working. I've been on this dosage and this frequency for a little less than two years now and it's finally something that's kept me healthy. I won't get the biopsy results until next week but I'm quite sure they will all be normal too. Fingers crossed. I even joined a study because IBD runs in my family, so I got some cash too for some extra blood from the IV and a biopsy. Score.
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So now, as promised above, here's a brief recap of my last procedures...
Some were more eventful than others, but for someone who is only 34 years old, I have lost my anal virginity to gastroenterolists FIVE times. (Disclaimer...this is slightly TMI for those who actually believe in TMI. If you know me, you know I certainly do not.)
Colonoscopy 1: My very first colonoscopy. This was the colonoscopy that gave the positive diagnois for my Ulcerative Colitis. Because I was living in New York as a graduate student, I was still under my parents health insurance so I used the gastroenterologist practice that my family used back in Chicago. I had gone to the hospital in mid November because I had been so sick with IBD symptoms, so I was lucky I could get the test set-up so quickly and finally figure out once and for all what my diagnosis was so it could start being treated. I got set up with a doctor and scheduled the procedure...for the day after Thanksgiving. This meant that on Thanksgiving, I couldn't eat. Anything. As the whole house smelled of Thanksgiving goodness and my whole family was over and eating, I was in the basement drinking my vile prep and pooping my brains out. I almost didn't care though because I was so sick at that point and was desperate to find a solution to this illness. I wasn't hungry and couldn't keep any food in me anyway, so it wasn't a huge issue. I was literally just lying on the bathroom floor down there because I had zero energy to go to and from the bathroom. Fun times.
The morning of the test, my parents took me to the hospital and stayed in the room as I was getting prepped and getting asked all kinds of questions. I don't have much to hide so when the doctor asked if they wanted my parents to leave the room as I was being questioned, I blurted out, "it's okay, I don't have anal sex" as if that was the question they were going to ask me, you know, since I assume they wanted to know about my butt hole. Newflash: They weren't going to ask that. The doctor looked at me like I was insane and just asked questions about medications, habits, etc... We still laugh about that one today.
One other noteable about that procedure was that I woke up in the middle of the it, screaming in pain from the air pressure and they put me right back out. I remember waking up and yelling and that it hurt, but I don't remember much else which is a good thing. So yeah, that's the story of my very first colonoscopy.
Colonoscopy 2: This was just a regular, run-of-the-mill mid-flare colonscopy. Nothing noteable or story-worthy. Snooze.
Colonoscopy 3: Ah this is another one that we laugh about today. I once again, hadn't been feeling good so the doctors needed to get in and see why, after a year or so of having this disease under control, what was going wrong. We picked up the prep at the pharmacy and I started choking it down. After a few hours, I still hadn't pooped. Nothing. Nada. We began to get worried that if I didn't start pooping soon, I'd have to cancel the procedure because my colon wouldn't be clean enough. After about 4 hours of nothing, we called the doctor and he suggested we use an enema. That's right, an enema. Ew. Gross. No!! I had actually never used one before but knew what it was and had zero interest of having it go anywhere near my tush. Because of this fear, I didn't think I could do it to myself and decided I wanted to have my mom do it for me. Yes, I was in my mid-twenties and my mother was going to give me an enema. We laid a towel down on my bedroom floor and braced ourselves. (Go ahead, get a mental picture.) However, anytime she got close to my butt, we both could not stop laughing. Like, was this really happening? Is she really going to do this? I could not unclench my butt or stop laughing hysterically. After about ten minutes of us trying this and her not getting within an inch of my butt, I finally decided I would man-up and do this damn thing myself. I went into the bathroom and did the best I could. It was not a pleasant experience. But it worked enough for the doctors to see what they needed to see the next day. Phew. And from that point on, I've been prescribed steroid enemas during flares that I have unsuccessfully used probably 8-10 times. And the last time I was hospitalized I needed one and I made a nurse come in and do it for me. Bottom line (pun intended), enemas are not, and will never, be my thing.
Sigmoidoscopy: This one happened when I was in the hospital with my bad flare four years ago. This test only goes to the lower part of the colon and I didn't get put to sleep despite begging. There were like ten med students in the room. And my doctor was smokin' hot. Did I mention they didn't put me out? I was awake the entire time, with a tube up my butt and my very own McDreamy. Can you say awkward?!?! (And I actually ran into him a few months later at a concert. He was all "Glad to see you're all better." And I was all "I've gotten further with you than any other man, ever. Let's do it again in my apartment. Alone." Just kidding, I didn't say that, but I thought that.
Colonoscopy 4: This most current one. The only colonoscopy I've gotten while healthy. Yay. Although it went very well, the prep was absolutely awful. I was supposed to take 3 Dulcolax (done) and drink two 10 oz bottles of magnesium citrate (all over the counter stuff). It took me two hours (TWO!!) to drink the first 10 ounces of that shit and it seemed like it would never end. I mixed it with Sprite, apple juice, and water and it still was horrendous. It did, however, do exactly what it was supposed to do, except I was naseous and gagging. It actually felt like a really bad hangover, minus the headache. It was so bad that I didn't even get to the second bottle. By the time I went to sleep (which is very hard to do when you are constantly running to the bathroom), my poop was clear and I couldn't bare to even look at the second bottle. I hoped for the best and went to bed without touching the second 10 ounces. I knew enough that what I was seeing in the toilet was what was supposed to happen and I'd be okay. I told the doctor this when I got there in the morning and he warned me that my colon might not be clear enough and I assured him it was and thethe thought of second bottle of magnesium citrate, let alone drinking it, made me want to gauge my eyes out. He totally understood and luckily all was well.
So that's it. Hopefully colonoscopy number five won't be for another eight years and things with my health will continue to be good!!!!
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