Happiness is...

So yeah, my last post wasn't the pinnacle of positive. Heck, it wasn't even close. I know that. But I also know that I am not in a good head space right now, or as my mom said, I am in "a dark place." I don't know if I would go as far to call it "a dark place," but it certainly isn't a light one. I know reading that post made some people uncomfortable, but I won't apologize for how I feel or for putting it out there. It was personal, it was embarrassing, it was kind of sad, but it did make me feel a little better. And although my life isn't as I want it to be right now, I know it's not a bad life at all. Time will pass and I will eventually come out of this. And when I do, which will hopefully be sooner than later, I hope to be stronger and happier. 

So with that being said, here is a list of everyday things (and some not-so-everyday treats thrown in there) that make me happy, make me smile, and make me feel grateful. On any given day, I encounter, experience, eat/drink, etc... at least one of these, if not a couple of them, and that's pretty darn great. That fact is not lost on me. So for me, happiness is...

Real Talk

Not everyone is happy all the damn time, and if I am going to be super real right now (as I usually am), the past couple of weeks have been really hard for me; I have not been happy. Of course I have my little moments (yes plural) of happiness each day, but it just seems that I just can't get a string of them together. I can't seem to get a real win. Nothing seems to be going the way I want it to or feel it should be going with work, dating, running, and my overall self-image. Every time I think it's going to get better, it doesn't. Time and time again of failing, it gets demoralizing. I really want to get back to my happy-go-lucky self (which I know exists and is actually pretty great to be around), but every time I think I make headway, I seem to get knocked back down. Although it's usually something minor, it affects me. I want to be positive, see the silver-lining in things, and hope they will turn around, but it hasn't been happening. Every time I try and give whatever and whoever the benefit of the doubt, it doesn't work out for me. I figure if one thing doesn't happen for me, there is no way I could fail again. And again. But I do. What gives? I'm frustrated. I'm sad. And I'm really starting to lose faith that things will actually work in my favor all of these categories, let alone one.

Chicago 26.2: A recap of #10

Well ladies and gentlemen, I am officially a ten-time marathoner. I'm not gonna lie, that feels pretty great. But thats really the only thing that I am feeling good about right now. My body hurts and I'm pissed about my time. I know that being able to run 26.2 miles one time is a big deal, so ten is great, but this race was just not my race. Not even close. And I can't help but be super disappointed about this.

I had a very different mindset coming into this race than I did last year in Chicago. Last year I was aiming for a PR and walked away without it. (I can't even go back and think about that because it will make me cry.) This year, I knew that a PR wasn't going to happen and and pretty much had expected that. I knew I'd be okay if I finished this race under 4:45. With the feelings of perpetual leg fatigue most of training, putting on ten pounds out of nowhere (stop telling me its muscle from training cause its not), and the whole bladder issue, I knew this wasn't going to be my best race. I also however, did not expect it to be one of my worst. And that sucks. It really fucking sucks.

Big F*%$ing Deal

For the last 17 weeks, I have been training for the Chicago Marathon.

I've been training through the summer heat and humidity.

I've run through DC, Spain, Portugal, Prague, Chicago, Boston, and of course through NYC.

I've been eating lots of carbs (and everything else within a one millimeter vicinity).

I've been hydrating and sleeping excessively.

I've been wearing compression socks for countless hours.

I've been listening to some of the same songs over and over again.

I've drunk a ton of chocolate milk and watermelon juice and Nuun. 

I've been worrying.

I've been crying.

I've been training for a marathon.

Summer is Dunzo

Well, September has come and its almost gone and I didn't write one post this month. What the heck?!?! This is hasn't happened once since starting this blog and I'm not about to have it happen now. So, as I sit in the hospital during my Remicade treatment, why not write a post of what's been going on lately? Right?!?!?

I feel like a lot has been going on, but at the same time, very little has also been going on. Summer is officially over and that's fucking depressing. I really had such an incredible summer that, like every other teacher out there, I didn't want it to end. (I also am in severe denial that my tan is fading. Sigh.) So now that summer is dunzo, the school year is in full swing, and fall has begun, here's what's been going on with me...