Real Talk

Not everyone is happy all the damn time, and if I am going to be super real right now (as I usually am), the past couple of weeks have been really hard for me; I have not been happy. Of course I have my little moments (yes plural) of happiness each day, but it just seems that I just can't get a string of them together. I can't seem to get a real win. Nothing seems to be going the way I want it to or feel it should be going with work, dating, running, and my overall self-image. Every time I think it's going to get better, it doesn't. Time and time again of failing, it gets demoralizing. I really want to get back to my happy-go-lucky self (which I know exists and is actually pretty great to be around), but every time I think I make headway, I seem to get knocked back down. Although it's usually something minor, it affects me. I want to be positive, see the silver-lining in things, and hope they will turn around, but it hasn't been happening. Every time I try and give whatever and whoever the benefit of the doubt, it doesn't work out for me. I figure if one thing doesn't happen for me, there is no way I could fail again. And again. But I do. What gives? I'm frustrated. I'm sad. And I'm really starting to lose faith that things will actually work in my favor all of these categories, let alone one.

For the past couple of weeks, I've wanted to sit down and write a post about how I've been feeling. There seems to be a cloud over my head and I have been in such a funk and I just can't seem to catch a break. I know it's a phase and I know I will come out of it stronger and happier but that time needs to get her, stat. There have been so many things running through my head and I just didn't think I would be able to gather all of my thoughts into a concise, articulate blog post (and I honestly don't know if I have). I also felt that I didn't want to air my dirty mental laundry on my blog yet again because it's embarrassing to be so down in the dumps for such a long period of time, but at the same time, this happens. It's real life.

Don't get me wrong, I do not have a bad life by any means, (trust me, I know this) but right now it just seems things are not headed in the direction I want them to go. I am doing my best to shift the momentum and see the best in what is happening, but again, I feel whenever I do start to see that positive light, I get knocked down again. It's really been quite brutal. Yes, I feel overly fragile right now so am more sensitive and affected by little things than usual, but really, I just need a "W" in my life.

These are the big four things right now that seem to be causing me so much frustration and sadness and I can only hope they start to take a turn in the right direction because, man, I could really use that.

1. Work. I need a new job. Plain and simple. I used to love teaching and didn't mind going to work at all. Now I'm straight-up burnt out, jaded, and bored. I don't want to have to teach the same thing four times a day. I don't want to have to grade papers and labs. I don't want to give the same directions twenty different times because people weren't listening or don't get the easiest fucking concept. I need something new. Because I have been feeling this way, I went out and did something about it. I put myself out there and went for a new job I really wanted. Sure it was one that is super competitive and hard to get, but I went for it anyway. It's in a totally different career field, but it's something I really wanted. And then I was rejected. Boo. There was no feedback given, just a "thanks, but no thank." 

As someone who usually gets what she goes after school and career wise, this was a big blow. I've gotten into all colleges and grad schools I have ever applied to, and as an adult gotten all jobs I applied to and wanted. I'm not used to not being good enough in that aspect of my life. I was so confident going into my interview that I really thought it was going to happen for me. And then it didn't. It was a very hard pill to swallow because I really thought I was going to get it and because I thought it was my "out" from teaching. However, because I didn't get this job, I have accepted that I will be teaching for the remainder of the school year, but there is big a silver lining: basketball season has started. Now that the season has begun, it has at least given me a bit of a pick-me-up. I love the sport of basketball so much. I love being able to teach my girls not only the game of basketball but also a solid work ethic and discipline. I really feel they look up to me as a role model and I take that very seriously. So although the job opportunity I wanted didn't work out, I have not given up on it and intend to apply again and hope for different results. And if not, I will have to figure something out for next year because I refuse to be that person that absolutely hates work. I firmly believe a person should love what they do and I either need to find that passion again with teaching or I need to cut my losses and change directions for real. I need to be happy with work again.

Sidenote: I even had an idea the other day that got me super excited so if anyone has any information on copyrighting or trademarking phrases, please email me!! I have zero experience or knowledge in this field and would love some assistance.

2. Dating. Ugh. Sigh. The fucking worst. I just can't deal with it anymore. It's a dead end. I finally deleted Tinder from my phone realizing that unfortunately most of the guys on there are just not looking for something serious. Even the ones that say they are, really aren't. I had my longest tenure on there with almost three full months, but in that time I met two quality people, both of whom, unfortunately were not interested in me after a total of two dates. Of course they didn't have the balls to tell me that, so they just disappeared. Because that seems to be the norm in 2015, its not even that surprising anymore. Sure it hurts, but it doesn't surprise me. Isn't that shitty? I know that if someone likes me, they'll reach out to me. Plain and simple. And if you don't you won't. I can take a hint. What I won't do is apologize for wanting someone to call or text me everyday because, hey, if they like me, they will actually want to see how my day is going or just to tell me something funny. They will be thinking about me and there will be none of this "oh, I didn't see your text" bullshit. You've seen my text, you just didn't care to respond. I am sick of feeling not good enough for them. I don't want to be an option, I want to be a priority. And until I can find someone on that same page, count me out.

I want to be able to put myself out there, but after doing it time and time again with the same result, I don't even know what the next step is so I am taking a step back. Dating at 33 in New York City is just not working for me and its making me feel bad about myself. Because of that, I have decided to put it on the back-burner. Why should I keep something in my life that only makes me feel  worse about myself than I already do? I am taking myself out of the limited dating game I was in. If I meet someone in my everyday life without the help of a dating app, then great, but I am not outwardly looking anymore. I just can't.

3. Running. After the debacle that was the Chicago Marathon, I was completely and utterly disappointed with myself. I couldn't believe that I missed my goal time by almost thirty minutes. I know people have bad races, and I also know anything can happen on race day and there are so many factors that go into running a marathon, but cramping up the way that I did and just overall, not having a great training season in the sense of speed was frustrating. Throughout my training period, my legs constantly felt fatigued and not recovered even when I did take days off to let them try and recover. I don't exactly know what the deal was and I don't want to keep dwelling on it so I am making some changes.

After taking ten full days of running and then coming back slowly, I decided to take a different approach to my running. Instead of my regular 5 mile runs in the morning without really challenging myself at all, pace-wise, I have decided to cut the mileage to shorter runs, but really push myself with my pace. I want to go shorter and faster for now and then gradually add on more distance so I can get to five at a fast pace. That is the goal. I am also adding a little weight-training to my regimen (and of course still taking SoulCycle) and hope that this will make me stronger overall. Right now I've really enjoyed challenging myself in this regard. And weirdly enough, it's kind of fun. I am legit out of breath when I finish and it feels good to really push myself. At this point, it can't hurt my running game and I am always up for a challenge. 

4. My body. This is the never-ending issue for me and one that I think contributes to my other issues. Did I not get the job because I'm too fat and not physically what the company wanted to represent their brand? Do guys not like me because I'm too fat? (Or as one of my friend's boyfriend called me (TO MY FACE) "too chunky." Yes that really happened! And yes, I cried about it.) Am I not performing in races the way I want because I'm so fat and it's literally weighing me down? Do I not
value myself as a person because I am so unhappy with the way my body looks? I struggle with this so much. Food, exercise, and my weight cross my mind millions of times during the day. It's always in my thoughts and how much I hate it controls my frame of mind. I want SO BADLY to be that girl that loves her body for what it can do for her, but I can't. I am very aware of all that I have accomplished and all I do on a regular basis because of it. I wish that my body actually looked as good as it feels after a long run, a Soul class, a Mile High class, or some other great workout, but even though I'm high on endorphins, that quick glance in the mirror just punches me in the gut and knocks me back to reality. My body issue hold me back so much in life and I really don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable in my own skin. When you look in mirror and want to cry at what you see, it fucking sucks. I know how sad and unhealthy this mindset is but it is probably my biggest obstacle.

OMG, was this too depressing? Too sad? Too much of a Debbie-Downer post? I really wasn't sure if I should hit the "publish" button because I don't want people to be worried. As I said before, I know I will come out of this. This funk will end. But I'm also not going to lie and say that I am happy right now.  I'm trying to keep a positive outlook and do things for me; things that make ME happy. This is taking more of a priority now than it ever has. I'm also trying to actually make some changes to turn this stuff around because if I just let it eat at me without doing anything about it, I really have no right to complain.  Having four things not go my way right now is hard. I'm trying to get a better grip on them and take more control, especially with my attitude toward these things. That is probably the most important things. I'm trying to rid the negative self-talk and focus on the good because as I said before, there is a lot of good. I know this, I am not forgetting this, I just want more of it on a consistent basis and I don't think that's too much to ask for.