E-R.U.Kidding Me?

Its 2012. Many people have turned to internet dating to find their significant others. Websites like JDate, eHarmony, and Match are super popular. Heck, even ChristianMingle.com. I see commercials for that site all the time. And giggle like an idiot each time. That is not the route I would choose to go. But there is a site for everyone apparently.

I know many people who have joined these websites, however, none of my friends have had much success with it. Nobody has had horror stories either, but the experiences have just been mediocre at best. I know that my friends put themselves out there and truly make their profiles the best they can be. However, some of the guys they look at may not do the same. When people make a profile for a dating website like this, you would think they would want to put their best foot forward and give the best possible first impression they can. After all, they are most likely spending money to go on this site, so they might as well get the most out of it as possible, right?

Of course I (and so many others) judge a book by its cover and look at the profile picture first when looking at someone else's profile. This tells a woman a lot about the man's profile she may or may not read after seeing the initial profile pic. However, there are some really bad ones out there. Ones where you can look at and in less than a second know that you have seen enough. So what are those cases?

Moving on...

1) You have no picture. I mean, really? Are you for real? Are you that hideous? Are you someone that claims that physical appearance doesn't matter? (That's a crock of horseshit!) Or were you just too lazy to upload any photos? If that is the case, there is no way any respectable woman would dare continue to read on. I mean, why would anyone (read: any sane person) go on a date with someone they met on the internet that has no picture? No one I know would ever do that. Ever.

This does not give me any clue what you look like

2) You only have one picture. So you decided not to leave the profile pic blank, but instead you only have ONE photo of yourself. It is usually far away and you may be posing by a landmark. This does not give me any real idea of what you look like. I need to see you in multiple pics to make sure I can actually see your face and that if its cute, its not a one-time fluke. One picture does not make the man. Yes I am shallow for thinking this, but I speak the truth.

Ew. Ew. And...Ew

3) You are wearing Mandals. Okay, deal breaker. These say a lot about your fashion sense. It clearly says you don't have any! Gross. Flip Flops are okay. Even an occasional Birkenstock. Eh, maybe not. But no Teva's or leather sandals. And def no socks with sandals. I don't know why this bothers me so much. But it does. And yes I judge you because of it.

Creepy Creeperton

4) You are taking a self-portrait with a cell phone in the mirror. You really have no pictures that someone else took? You can't crop yourself out of something? There is something so ghetto and also so Jersey Shore about a cell-phone photo. It's just so "MySpace." Oh yeah, and it's super creepy to me for some reason. Like how many times did you pose in front of the mirror and take the same shot until you got one you liked?

SO much more wrong here than the shirt

5) You are wearing an Ed Hardy or any sparkly man T-shirt. Um, I think NOT. Too Long Island/Jersey Shore. And not in a good way. (And yes, there is actually a good way.) Men should not wear shirts with sequins and sparkles. Period. And men should not wear shirts that are two sizes too small. We get it, you are buff. You don't need a child's XL for us to see that.

Handsome, but 100% you?

6. You have a headshot. Or even worse, a glamour shot. This is not a modeling page or your IMDB page. This shit is way too staged. The lighting is probably perfect. You are probably airbrushed. I'm not gonna buy what you are selling in that picture no matter how hot you look. Sorry buddy. 

If any of these things are seen in a profile, I (and many other women) would immediately move on. What is the sense of continuing this virtual journey? If you are looking for your future spouse on one of these sites, or even a hook-up, at least have some standards when it comes to picking out your partner. Find someone that has enough a clue to have the best possible profile pic they can. Then read their profile and see if they are right for you. And if that's the case, best of luck!