Courting: Lets bring it back

I just recently read a New York Times article titled "The End of Courtship." The article discussed how single young people (and I include myself in that entire description) in today's society don't really go on real dates anymore. And it's a shame. The article was super relatable, interesting, and on point for the most part. I couldn't really argue with the facts the author gave, but I don't have to like them or stand to accept them. I think the real issue with the lack of people going on real dates these days is that guys are lazy and girls are accepting this. If men can get away with these things, they are going to continue to do them. Clearly I am no dating expert as I am a lonely 31-year-old single Manhattanite with no prospects on the horizon but I do know what I want and what I deserve and I will continue to stand my ground with that.

There were several points in the article that really seemed to jump out at me as something that I have noticed lately with guys and dating. While I don't date excessively, I can tell you this, when I meet a guy, he will make a plan with me, he will take me out, and he will pay. (Some people might disagree with the last one, but I am sticking to my guns on this one even though it is 2013.)  Most of my friends will agree with that too and from what I know have the same expectations as I do when it comes to a courtship.

Anyway, things have obviously changed in the dating game over the last few decades, but that doesn't mean courting someone should become obsolete. Below are my thoughts on some of the reasons on why this "trend" might be happening in response to different parts of the article...

Hooked

I've been watching the new show on MTV called Catfish: The TV Show. It's a television show based off the 2010 documentary by the same name. I had never seen the documentary but had heard about it and the topic was interesting.  In the movie, the main character, Nev, began an online relationship with a female and the film crew followed him as he discovered who she really was. (And it was not who she had perceived herself to be.) She was indeed a "catfish," which Wikipedia defines as "a person who creates fake profiles online and pretends to be someone they are not by using someone else's pictures and information."

The premise of the show is very similar in topic and shooting style. Each week, the one hour TV-show follows someone who has an online relationship with another person, usually for an extensive period of time, but has never met the person. It's the job of Nev and his friend Max, to uncover what the real deal is. Spoiler: The person is rarely, if ever, who they really say they are.

Grow the F*** Up

I consider myself to have a pretty short temper. Well, maybe not so much a short temper, but little patience for stupidity, immaturity, and the ridiculous.  Little things aggravate me, but don't set me in a rage. It's not like I need anger management or anything, but certain things set me off more than others. When these times occur (like the case of the laundry bitch), I am what my mom would describe as "wild." I start to shake, I have to clench my fists, and I really have a huge desire to hit someone or something. Of course I would never lay my hands on anyone, but in those cases, I wish I had a punching bag in my immediate vicinity and could let out a very loud scream to release some of the anger. I try to vent to my mom or my friends and then try to walk it off, and sometimes it cools me down. Sometimes it doesn't.

Like I said, this rarely happens, but it just happened the other day. I was at work minding my own business playing on my phone. I went on Facebook and saw that I had a message.  I opened it immediately and noticed it was from my ex-boyfriend. The same ex-boyfriend who asked me to never contact him again in order to move on with his life and his new girlfriend (who is now his fiánce). The last time we had any contact with each other he once again told me how happy and in love he is. He loves reminding me and himself this little tidbit of information. If you need to keep telling yourself this over and over again, then its a little strange. I get it, since I broke up with you, you want to rub it in a little more that you found someone before me. Totally fine and understandable. But still a little weird. Anyway, because any relationship we had, romantic and platonic, was officially over, it was odd that I received any sort of message from him. All that it said was "I appreciate the thoughts on Father's Day but please unlike. Thanks." I was totally confused by this statement and wrote back "What are you talking about?" I was puzzled. I had zero idea what he was talking about. After being outraged for a second for him writing me to unlike something I clearly didn't like in the first place, I re-read the message. At this point I noticed his picture icon was one of his father. Then it hit me. He must have taken an old profile pic of his father that he used years ago and reposted it for Father's Day. I probably liked it years ago and he thought I just recently did. Idiot. 

Dr. Disappointment

I have previously written about sometimes, especially when it comes to guys and dating, I try to follow the mantra "You have nothing to lose, and a lot to gain."  I also try to impress this mantra onto my friends. We all need to put ourselves out there a little bit more. If you see someone you are attracted to and know that you may never see them again, you might as well grow a pair, and talk to them. Or better yet, ask them out for a drink or something. Or at least try to. Sometimes the results are great, and sometimes the results can be disappointing. And sometimes the results are straight up confusing. Let me tell you a little story about a girl who did just that. She reached out to a guy she just met, got false hope, and then was left super confused. So here the story goes...

The original HotDocs: McDreamy and McSteamy.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who got real sick and had to go to the hospital. While there she happened to be treated by a very cute doctor who we shall call "HotDoc." It was very hard for Girl to flirt with HotDoc during her stay at the hospital but knew that she found him attractive and wanted to see him again. After chickening out on multiple occasions to ask for his number and/or email, she did what any normal girl would do next: She Googled him. With the beauty of the internet (Facebook and LinkedIn to be exact), she realized that she and HotDoc actually had a mutual friend. She reached out to the mutual friend to find out the scoop and get some deets and was pretty successful in doing so. Friend thought he might have a gf but wasn't sure as she and HotDoc had not seen each other in a long time. Girl figured she would reach out to HotDoc anyway. If she didn't, there would always be that "What if?" in her head. She actually grew a pair and messaged him via FB (Friend didn't have a regular email for him so this was the only way to reach out). The message was cute and to the point.

Put Her in the Pic?

On occasion myself or a friend will meet a cute guy that we are attracted to. We don't know much about him. Maybe a mutual friend or two, and of course his first (and hopefully last) name. And what do you think one of the first things we do is when we get back home after being a little smitten? Why duh, its look them up on Facebook of course! We want to see their picture(s) or any other info we can get. Specifically, we want to see if there is another woman in that picture (literally and figuratively). Does he have a girlfriend? We can all safely assume he isn't married if he isn't wearing a ring. One would hope so at least. And lets be serious, at my age, one of the first things I do when I meet a guy is look directly down at his left ring finger. Is there a ring? Please no, don't have a ring on. And if he does, bummer. And if not, there is always a glimmer of hope.

OMG...Delete. Delete. Delete.

Over the years there has obviously been an increase in technology. So much stuff that I am thankful wasn't around when I was in high school and college because lord knows how much trouble I could have gotten myself into with my stupidity and tendency to rush, especially when drunk. Now with the advent of having smartphones and having the internet literally right at your fingertips every waking moment, there is always the opportunity to embarrass and/or make an ass of yourself. You know those moments when you want to reach out into cyberspace and take back what you just sent? I have experienced this more than I'd like to admit, but its a good thing I am not easily embarrassed.  Below are some funny experiences I or a friend have had using our phones where we literally wanted to scream because of mortification that we just caused ourselves by rushing, not thinking, and pressing send way too fast. Hey, it happens to the best of us.

1. Texting the wrong person. This isn't a huge deal and has probably happened to quite a few people. Multiple times. I have done it tons of times, usually over stupid things. However, when you are texting a friend about someone else and accidentally text that "someone else," this becomes a problem.  A short time ago, I had gone out with some friends and drank a little too much. Okay, a lot too much. I ended up making out with two different guys that night (be real proud mom. Ha!). My second make-out of the evening texted me in the morning to ask how I was feeling. He also must have noticed that I had been pretty drunk when we parted. I honestly didn't expect to, or care to hear from him again, but was nonetheless surprised to hear from him the very next day. Apparently I made quite the first impression, natch. Later that day, I went on to text one of my friends who was out with me the night before. At least I thought that was who I was texting when I nonchalantly typed "Makeout #2 texted me this morn to see how I was feeling. Guess I was pretty out of control last night." However, after sending the text, I realized that I did not text my friend, but texted the guy. As soon as I realized this I started freaking out. After shouting an "OMG" to no one imparticular on the street, I followed it up by an "Oooops, ignore me" text to this very gentleman which was followed up by him with an "LOL." Good thing I don't plan on talking to/seeing this guy again. And good thing he took it lightly or was just too dumb to realize he was makeout number TWO. Sucka.

I have also been on the receiving end of this error with a guy I had liked a lot. I was happy to see that I was getting a text from him until I realized he was meaning to write to someone else about ME. Once I got the text I thought about not replying at all but decided to follow it up with "That obviously wasn't for me, but about me" I was met with an "Oh shit" from him and many apologies. He was obviously embarrassed and it wasn't even a bad text. Thankfully.  It was a funny story about the weekend's previous events (not suitable to discuss here since my parents read this!), so I could laugh about it as well. It was def the icing on the cake of a "did that really just happen to me?" story.

A Blessing and a Curse

Pretty much everyone I know is on Facebook. Not everyone is that active, but they go on enough to know what is going on in other people's lives. I have no shame in admitting I check Facebook quite often. I like knowing what's going on in the lives of those I use to be very close to not to mention the usual FB stalking and creeping. Duh. Whether or not our real friendships ended (on good terms or bad) or we are actually friends in real life, I will periodically check your page to see what's new if you once were someone I was close to. I can't help it. Having Facebook can sometimes be a blessing and curse. There are so many pros and cons to Mark Zuckerberg's monster. So much so that the things we love so much about Facebook are the very things we hate. Behold...

Damn You Facebook!

Do you ever get that feeling where you hit it off with a guy and then when the time comes to part ways, nothing happens? There is that awkward pause on what (if anything) is going to happen next and then you are all "K, nice to meet you, bye." No exchange of numbers or emails or anything? It's kind of disappointing, right? Well, yeah. This has happened to me a couple times and in my head I think "Wow, maybe I read that whole situation wrong and totally made up the chemistry we had." Then I second guess myself. Kinda sucks. But it is what it is. I am a woman of the 2000's, I can make the move after if I want to. (And really, if he was just that into me, wouldn't he have just done it?)

The most recent of this event happened in September. I went to a Giants Monday Night Football game with some friends.  When we got to our seats, next to us were some normal looking guys our age, which is always a good thing.  I started talking with one of them who was one seat away from me. We kept talking over his friend (who sat in between us) and seemed to actually hit it off, chatting flirtatiously most of the game. He even offered multiple times to get me a drink, some ice cream, etc... Eventually he asked if he could switch seats with his friend and we sat next to each other the rest of the game. We covered the usual about each other as far as what we do, where we went to school, where we are from, etc... All seemed to be going pretty well for what I thought would be at the very least, an exchange of information for future contact. However, when my friends and I left the game after the third quarter because it was a snooze fest at that point, we said goodbye to each other and then...nothing. I for sure thought he'd ask for my digits. But he didn't. Bummer. I wasn't going to initiate asking for his information because I didn't care THAT much (he was G-U (Geographically Undesirable) after all) to me, but there was mild disappointment on my end. 

Anyway, cut to this weekend, I was reading an article online about how Facebook has this "Other" section in their "Messages" that hides messages from people that you are not friends with or have no mutual friends with. I decided to see if I had this section, which I obviously do, (cause everyone does!) and lo and behold, there was a message from the cute guy from the Giants game from the night we met in September! WTF?! How could I have missed this? Fucking Facebook!! I mean we could be happily dating by now. Totally kidding. Or more likely, I could have already gone out with him once, found something wrong with him, and written him off already. Also kidding. Kind of. But seriously, I mean, how did I not know about this secret message section until now? This means, after the game, he actually searched for me on Facebook, and found me, which isn't an easy task. I have a pretty common name and live in an enormous city so kudos to you fella. You have good Facebook stalking skills! A man after my own heart.

So here I was on a Friday night with this new Facebook message from someone I was attracted to for a night two months ago.  Kind of exciting. But man was I pissed I didn't get the message then. Damage done though. I decided even though two-and-a-half months had gone by I would write him back anyway. Hey, I have nothing to lose at this point. And so I did. And we corresponded back and forth a few messages and then nothing. I mean two months have passed, so maybe the little interest he had was gone. If that was the case though, why bother even writing back (and in a flirtatious manner at that)? (I mean I guess I could have initiated a meet-up or something, but eh, whatever.)

I really don't know why he wrote me two months ago. Maybe he was too nervous to ask for my number at the game? Or just wanted to continue to chat? Or was just bored? Whatever it was, I wish I would have gotten the message back then because he obviously went out of his way to find me and write me. Regardless of what might have happened then (and the fact I got nothing out of it now), I now know how to get my "other messages" from Facebook so something like this won't happen again. Next time I meet a cute guy and we seem to hit it off and he doesn't ask for my number, I will either man up and ask for his or can only hope his shyness will not hinder him from finding me on Facebook and messaging me. Challenge extended gentlemen.

Evolution of Technology

Growing up, we had pretty limited ways to communicate with the opposite sex. It was pretty much talk to them in person or call them on the phone. Lame. This is probably the reason that people of my generation seem to have slightly better interpersonal and social skills than those born ten years later.  Although we do rely heavily on technology, part of me is very glad that Facebook and text messaging didn't exist when I was in high school and college. I fear it would have gotten me in many more embarrassing situations than it already has. As an adult, I sometimes make bad decisions using my phone while drunk, so I can't imagine what kind of damage I could have done in my wilder, more immature days. 

Back in the day when I liked a guy, I would freak out about what I was going to say on the phone if I called him.  I would totally plan it out in my head on what I would say and hope there were not awkward pauses during our conversation.  Sometimes, I would actually hope his answering machine would pick up so I could leave a message and he'd have to call back and start the conversation. You see, when I was in middle school and high school, there were no cell phones (although I did have car phone in my car in high school. Yes, I was that cool. Still am. Some things don't change.)  Back then, you'd have to actually call a boy at his house. Sometimes if he didn't have his own phone line, his parents would even answer and you'd have to be super polite when asking to talk to speak to him.  In college, myself and most of my friends got our first cell phones, but if you liked someone, you still had to actually call them on the phone. Annoying. Nerve-wracking. AIM became very big so you could IM your crush if you had their screenname. And once you had that, you could also totally creep their away messages and see what they were up to until AIM came up with that feature that showed how many times people saw your away message. Buzzkill.

I know I am totally dating myself, but at the end of senior year of college, text messaging started to become all the rage. I still remember my very first text message. My phone had this weird icon and kept beeping and I had no idea what was going on. I finally read this message but had no idea what it was and how to respond. Eventually I got the hang of it and haven't looked back since. Also senior year of college, Friendster was kind of something of a social networking tool, but we weren't totally sure what exactly, but it wasn't a big of a deal at all.  Next came MySpace which was a social networking phenomena until Facebook came on the scene and changed everything. Everything.

Nowadays if you meet a guy and like him, you can first Facebook stalk him. Obvi. Usually this is pretty easy to do but can have mixed results. Is his profile is so private that you can't get any new info? (Annoying.) Or is his wall and and all his pics available to see? (This equates to him being too dumb to update his privacy setting. Ugh.) If you like what you see or can't find anything, this is usually followed up with the text. You have to be careful here because you don't want to have just a texting relationship which can build high expectations in your head and then fizzle fast.

No one picks up the phone to make an actual call these days. And usually if they do, I am impressed.  If I actually am interested in you, I will answer your call, but more often than not, I don't, because lets be honest, if I barely want to text you, what makes you think I actually want to talk to you? But I have to admit, I sometimes wish it was "normal" to just pick up the phone and talk for a while instead of texting back and forth. And this is coming from someone who doesn't even really like talking on the phone. You can accomplish so much more getting to know someone a bit in a half hour phone convo versus a two hour texting convo.  However, some people, myself included on occasion, feel that they can be more outgoing via text or even FB messaging. You can type what you want and edit it before you press send to make sure its perfect. I get it. And I do the same thing sometimes, but I really do miss an old fashioned phone call asking me out on a date. It's still okay over text, but it lacks the intimacy of a phone call.

All of these communication technology tools have been incredible and I am sure it will only continue to improve. But as it gets better, I feel that social skills, especially involving courting and dating, will continue to get worse and I am not okay with this, especially in my singledom. Things don't need to get even harder. Even though I sometimes benefit from this technology because someone that might not have picked up the phone would not have asked me out does via text, and vice-versa, but this is probably one the big reasons relationships these days aren't as strong and last as long as they should.  I am hoping that in the future, if you really like someone, its worth just picking up the phone. Believe me, I am worth it.

GUEST POST: The Non-date date

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy says, “Hey, I like spending time with you. You are also very (pretty/smart//funny). I would like to take you on a date.” Girl likes boy. Girl replies, “Oh, that sounds like fun.” Boy says, “Awesome. Let’s get (drinks/coffee/ice cream). How does (semi-hip but not too fancy bar/hipster coffee house/ Serendipity) on (Friday/Saturday/Sunday) at (7/8/9).” Girl exclaims, “Perfect! I will see you then. It’s a DATE.”

In a perfect world, this is how things would go down. It’s not brain surgery after all, it’s just dating. However, it seems now a days we lack communication skills and are always looking to save face. Therefore, the scenario more often than not, goes like this: Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy sends girl a Facebook message that says something along the lines of:  Hey, so great running into you the other day. If you are ever in midtown (i.e. where I live and work), let me know. I will buy you a drink. I know a really great bar where they always have $2 beer specials. Let me know.

Clearly, I swoon over messages like this. Facebook Guy is basically saying, hey if you are in a location that is convenient for me, at a time that works for me, than I am more than willing to buy you a $2 drink. I will not call it a date. I will make it seem as CASUAL as possible. I will actually make you set up the entire thing, but don’t forget, I will buy you a beer. So, the question is: Is this a date?

If you weren’t sure, Facebook Guy is real, and Facebook Guy did pay for my drinks that night. We had fun, but the whole time I had no idea if this was just two friends drinking where one friend paid for the other, OR if this was a date. He didn’t try to kiss me when the non-date-date was over, therefore I declared it was NOT a date. Maybe he was deciding if he wanted to date me with a “trial date.” Maybe I didn’t pass the test, which was why he didn’t try to kiss me. Fair enough, Facebook Guy. To my surprise, a week or so later, he asked me out again. Or rather, suggested we see a movie together. In which he paid for my ticket. I insisted on buying the pre-movie drink, as if we were just going to be going out as friends, it was only fair. We drank, saw the movie, had a good old time again, and then NOTHING. No kiss. No, “Hey this was really great and you’re pretty and I would like to date you, but I am too nervous to make the move to kiss you right now, but know that in a few more dates it’s going to happen.” Nope. None of that. I am usually pretty patient, but when he tried to take me out again I was so confused on what the situation was that I just could not bring myself to say yes. I could not go on any more non-date-dates with Facebook Guy. The non-relationship was over.

What is the moral of this story? The moral is simple: Be clear with your intentions. If Facebook Guy wanted to to just be my friend then he should not have paid for my drinks/movie tickets. If Facebook Guy wanted to date me he should have asked me on a date. I know it isn’t easy. I am surprisingly shy when it comes to matters of the heart. I am not always the best communicator. However, knowing what I know now, if I EVER ask anyone out I will use the word DATE in the sentence. If they aren’t interested in dating me I’d like to know sooner rather than later, and if they do want to date me, I would like to know that I am indeed on a date so that when I try to kiss them at their door when I walk them home (yeah I’m classy, what of it?) they won’t be thrown off. They will simply say, “That was an amazing date. Thank you for kissing me goodnight. I will CALL you tomorrow.” And then he will!

Author: The Gu

Look out Patty Stanger

I have been set-up on blind dates a few times since living in NYC. Out of all of them, one led to a second date. And that was the end of that because he kept using his cell phone on the date which is soooo rude (and he also had a terrible name that I could NEVER picture myself saying. I never even called him by his name on either date. It was that bad.) Anyway, being set up can be fun and exciting because you don't know what's in store. And unless you are with a real loser, you usually get a free drink or two, or even a full meal out of the deal. If you have a great time, you start to picture the better times to come and get all giddy. If you have a terrible time, you at least come home with a funny story for your friends. One of my best friends actually met her husband by being set up by a mutual friend. That gives me some hope that it could still happen for me. We'll keep our fingers crossed.

I have never set anyone up before. Until now. And thanks to the world of Facebook, I just made my first set-up with two friends of mine and I could not be more excited for them. What if matchmaking is my calling? Or maybe I would just be 1/1 and go out on top? But its always fun when you know two people who may hit it off and you try to make it happen. And if sparks fly (and clothes come off), even better.

So the other day a friend and I were on my Facebook creepin' some people's pics. We were seeing if they had any cute friends. Then she noticed this guy on my page. She was like "Ooh, ooh, he's cute. Who is he? How do know him? What's his deal?" This guy is on my softball team and is a pretty cool kid. He's a pretty good softball player, he's really fast, and he's about her age. Well, that was enough for her to be intrigued. I jokingly mentioned that I should message him offering to set him up even though I don't him that well. Or suggested she could come to a game in the very near future and I could introduce them. Both of us being girls who like instant gratification, decided that I should message him right then and there.  I have little shame and had nothing to lose so I said I would. If anything, my friend has a new boy to gain. I wrote a very smooth, casual, humorous message asking his status (single?) and if he wanted to be set-up. We pressed send and the waiting game began. Would he write back? Would he think I was a total creep for even offering to set him up since I don't know him that well...I mean we just play softball together? Or would he be totally flattered that I thought to set him up? I mean, I know I would totally be flattered if someone sent me the message that I sent out.

A few days later he wrote me back apologizing for not seeing the message earlier, but saying he was definitely interested in being set-up. Score! I was so excited. My friend was excited. Woo-hoo! Part one of the matchmaking was a success. I am sure as I type, he is looking her up on Facebook and thinking of something suave and cool to message her with. Or is that just what us girls do? Regardless, we were both pretty jazzed that this might actually work. I mean if Patty Stanger gets paid a boatload of cash to set up loser after loser with an awful success rate, why can't I try it for free for people I actually want to be happy? I can only hope they go out and hit it off.  Who knows, maybe I earn my own Bravo matchmaking show...

Lets ALL act like grown-ups

Well here's an age old question: Can you remain friends with your ex? Think about it. Ponder it. And I would hope the answer is yes if you have a amicable break-up and you know how to be a grown-up.  If the break-up is not so amicable, I can understand why you never would even want to hear this person's name again. But if it ended rather cordially, then there is no reason why these people can't be friends, right? (I mean, look, even Frankie and Gigi can do it on Jerseylicious, so it shouldn't be too difficult.)

I have had two serious boyfriends in my life. One I dated for about three years and another for about two years. Both of them have remained my friend after the break-up, which was something I prided myself on. This was of course until recently. I broke up with BF #1 in 2002 and have remained friends since then. He is now engaged and will be married in November. And although his fiancé is a downgrade (I mean, you can only go down after dating me...obviously), I am very happy for him and wish him nothing but the best. I broke up with BF #2 in 2007 and have remained friends with him up until very recently. In both cases, I did the breaking up and we still ended up on pretty good terms. I was up front and honest on why we couldn't continue the relationship, but also made it clear that if they were cool remaining friends, I would really like that.  If they didn't want to continue friendships with me, I would have understood completely. Honestly, I do not know if I could remain friends with someone who broke up with me, but it would really depend on the situation. A case by case basis.

So let me get back to my original question and why I am asking.  It all started about 6 months ago with BF #2. He started dating someone new and they got pretty serious kind of fast.  His new girlfriend has decided that he can not really remain in contact with me. When they started dating, it didn't seem to be an issue, but I don't think he was totally honest with her about our friendship and the fact we still hung out once in a while, although it was always totally platonic. Then I noticed that he untagged all the pictures of me and him on Facebook. So there I am in a bunch of these pictures, the only person tagged. Looking like a moron holding onto the past. Ugh. Not the case. I know this sounds stupid and immature to be mad over, but really, why would I need to untag or delete those pictures? I mean, we dated FOUR YEARS AGO and we are still friends. I have nothing to hide and this was so long ago. When I asked him about it, he said that it was disrespectful to his new girlfriend for us to be tagged in pictures together. I was also forbid to write on his wall again. Also disrespectful to the new girlfriend. My FB presence can't be felt. Ever. Remember, we have not been dating for four years; it's not like this is a fresh break-up. It was four-freaking years ago. Apparently this is threatening to her.  I do not get it. I am not after her man. I am not jealous of their relationship. I am just appalled how I am being treated as a so-called "friend." But, I guess he felt he had to do it for her. After this turn of events, we got in a huge fight about it and hadn't really spoken since because I was pissed.

Fast forward to a few days ago when I noticed that he defriended me on Facebook. And let me say, this set me in a rage. A rage I tell you. This guy whom I considered an actual friend, not just someone I met at a random event, and friended on Facebook, but a real friend, totally removed me. He didn't have the courtesy to inform me, or tell me why he was doing this, he just defriended me.  He kept my mom, my dad, my brother and other family members as friends, but defriended me. Are you kidding me? Apparently, his new girlfriend didn't like seeing my little 1x1 inch face, if it randomly appeared on his friend list when she was on his FB page. How often does that even occur when someone has 800 friends? Is she for real? Lady, you are in an adult relationship with someone who loves you and you can't handle seeing the face of his ex-gf from FOUR years ago on his page. Get the fuck over it. How insecure are you? I mean, I know I am a catch, and no one will ever compare to me, but seriously, be a grown up.

It's a fact that everyone has a dating history. Everyone has exes, but its also a fact is that you, new gf are now with that person. He loves you. You love them. That ship has sailed for me, and I am the one that let it go. I should be nowhere on your radar if you are in a healthy, stable, adult relationship. Am I wrong here? What irritates me even more is that he feeds into her insecurities by doing this. He could have had the balls to tell her that yes, we are still friends, and yes he wants me to remain in his life as a FRIEND, but he's just not that type of guy. Pussy. (Which is one of the reasons we are no longer dating.) I understand the need for him to keep the gf happy but when we were dating, he knew I still talked and hung out with BF #1 and was okay with it. I was open and honest and that was it. He knew there were no more lingering feelings there and that I loved him, so there was nothing to worry about.  So he is familiar with situations like this. I also know that if I had a new boyfriend, I would make it very clear that I was still in contact and friendly with both my ex-Bfs and he should feel no competition. At all. That is how grown-ups should handle relationships.  I guess, in the end, the answer to my original question of staying friends with your ex apparently depends on a number of factors including maturity, security, and the dude not being a gigantic pussy. Yep, I said it. And now my rage has decreased a little. Thanks.