Real Men of 'Housewives'

I fully admit to watching ALL of Bravo's Real Housewives of whatever. Every season of every location. Orange County. Atlanta. New York. New Jersey. Beverly Hills. Even DC and Miami. I watch them all. While everyone is so focused on the women of these shows, I'd like to spotlight the manly men who also appear onscreen. The men that sometimes steal the attention away from the stars of the shows and deserve to be appreciated on their own! So here's to them...

1. Ken Todd (Beverly Hills). This is Lisa Vanderpump's husband and all-around sweetheart. Ken really seems to go with the flow as he shuffles around the house and at parties. Him and Lisa have been married a very long time and really seem like they are in love (despite her claim they only have sex twice a year.) They work together and still manage to want to spend time together. He is simply adorable (the accent and the way he loves Giggy doesn't hurt either).

One is NOT the lonliest number

In a city as big as New York, you see people in groups all the time. On the flip side, you also see many people off doing things on their own. We are all really busy people here in NYC and sometimes we do what we need to do when it fits our schedule. We don't want to wait on someone else.

I have said many times before that I am my own best friend and love doing stuff by myself. Also because sometimes I am so impatient that when I want to do something, I don't want to wait around for anyone so I just go by myself.  There are some things that depending who you ask, are acceptable to do alone, and some that are considered pathetic to do alone. I personally think that anyone that goes out alone and has the confidence to do so should be applauded. For me, some things are easier to do alone than others, but I still give it a go. Below are four things that I have done alone before and will do again.

1) Shopping. I think this is the most common solo outing for most people. I prefer shopping alone most of the time because I can go at my own speed.  If there is nothing I like, I do a lap and I am out. If I find something I like and need to try it on, I am super fast and hate waiting on others to try their stuff on. Selfish, yes, but totally efficient. There are two times when I enjoy shopping with someone else: When they are paying for me (What up Mama?!) and when I need a second opinion on how something looks. The second one is easier to get around because I can purchase the goods and have a friend over for the opinion (or a skype date fashion show). No biggie.

Word to Your Mother

While home visiting my parents recently I was able to get behind the wheel of a car again to drive. Always a treat since I NEVER drive in NYC. Since I only drive when I am home, I love to run errands and stuff and of course blast the radio and sing out loud to myself. My mom has XM radio in her car so instead of listening to my usual, I was able to listen to the 90's station. I didn't realize how incredible it really was.  There were so many songs that came on that I still remembered all the words to. More than I'd like to admit actually. Songs that bring me back to middle school and high school but def classics and ones that were played over and over again, some that I even had cassette single to.Yeah, that's right, cassette singles. Some of the my fave hits of the 90's that I particularly remember listening to over and over again are below...

1. Ice Ice Baby, Vanilla Ice. This song gave us white kids street cred. Still does. And its also a great karaoke song to perform to because really, who didn't know almost all the words to this? Word to your mother.

Are you "my type"?

Those of you who know who I am know exactly what I am looking for in a guy. You know what "my type" is. You will see a guy walking down the street and nudge me to point him out. Who is he? Any nice-looking athletic black guy. Kidding! Kind of.

If you have been reading this blog, you also know what my dealbreakers are and what my "must-haves" are. But who is "my type" exactly? Well, so glad you asked...

Physically, my type is tall, dark, and handsome.  The first thing I notice about someone is their build. I love a strong, athletic build. Like about 6 foot 2 and about 200 pounds. The body of a basketball player or a football player. You can't be too skinny. Ugh. I want to be able to sit on your lap and not have to worry about squishing you. That whole "I am not going to put all my weight on your lap even if it means my legs are shaking and burning from the pain squatting to make you think I am not so heavy" thing is not something I want to constantly deal with. You girls know what I am talking about, right? Also, you can't be shorter than me. Once we get the height and weight approved, I will notice your smile next. Teeth are a biggie for me. You must, must, must have straight, white teeth. No summer teeth allowed (some are there, some are not. Get it? Get it?) You can't have straight and yellow. Or crooked and white. They have to be straight and white. Period. Next, I look at the eyes. I hope they are blue, but I guess any color is okay. Not too picky there, but there has to be a "spark" of some kind. Moving on. You can't be too pale, but obviously not Jersey Shore orange. A nice natural darker tone will suffice, thank you very much. You will also probably be surprised to know that baldness doesn't bother me as long as you embrace it. I really could go on and on but I don't want to totally overdo it at the moment as you are probably thinking to yourself "no wonder she is still single...she is pretty picky." And although true, I deserve to know and get what I want.

Unhealthy Reading

I read a lot of food blogs online. Mostly about food in NYC and Chicago and learning about which resaurants have the best food in town and around the country as well.  I also watch some food shows on Food Network and The Cooking Channel (Best Thing I Ever Ate, Diner's, Drive-Ins, and Dives, Unique Eats, etc...) Because of the knowledge I gain, I am able to make recommendations to friends in the city and while traveling and use the information myself when on vacation. I also enjoy looking at, what my family calls "food porn;" pictures of specific food items or meals that others post online. Its kind of strange that I enjoy reading about restaurants and food because I rarely eat out. Looking at this stuff online is kind of a mentally unhealthy thing to do since I have such food and weight issues, but its better than eating the actual foods. Instead I stare at them and pretend that I know how good they would taste if I actually allowed myself to eat half of these things.

Because its not good for my wallet or my waistline, I maybe eat out once a week. If money were no object and food didn't have any calories, you better believe that I would eat out all the time. But since I don't make a lot of money and everything that I eat sticks to my ass, I do not have that luxury. However, looking at pictures of these foods and reading about the best of the best, might actually do more help than harm. They give me something to look forward to and I know when I do eat these foods to really enjoy them because I eat them so infrequently.

With all the reading about food that I do, and places I have actually eaten at, I sometimes think that if I had only a few meals left to eat on Earth, what would I eat? Or if I was on death row, what would be my last meal? Well, below are my top five favorite meals.

1. Lou Malnati's. (Chicago) Deep dish sausage pizza with a side of creamy garlic dressing.  I fantasize about this pizza. It's thick. It's cheesy. And and there is a whole LAYER of sausage on the bottom. But this pizza is kicked up another notch with the addition of Lou's  creamy garlic dressing. The extra flavor it gives when you dip is just amazing. If you haven't tried this combo of pizza and dressing, do it. You will thank me later. Hmmm....maybe I should have my mom send me a Lou's-To-Go?

"One for All, All for Poop"

Pooping is something very personal. Usually people like to poop with a home-court advantage. That is, in the privacy of their own home. However, things don't always work out that way and you have to poop in a public place. Whether its just a regular poop or explosive diarrhea (I have been in both situations many-a-times), you are still very self-conscious that there are other people in the bathroom. And guess what, they might be pooping too (or not). To quote a fantastic article I read from Thought Catalog, "Go for it. Poop your heart out. Poop like there’s no tomorrow. Poop like nobody’s watching. I mean that. I don’t care if it’s the biggest poop in the history of poops, I promise I won’t think badly of you." And that's the truth. We all know what its like to be on both sides of the stall so to speak, so really, why is it so embarrassing? Pooping is normal. Remember, everybody poops. However, there are times where your poops are so super-duper that you really don't want anyone around and that's understandable as well. Maybe they are worse than the scenes below, (probably not as dramatic), but hey, we've all been there...

Harold And Kumar This scene has two "hot" girls in the bathroom while Harold and Kumar are secretly in there listening. Both girls decide to take a dump and play a friendly game of "Battle Shits." I can't believe this game take-off nationally?!

A Blessing and a Curse

Pretty much everyone I know is on Facebook. Not everyone is that active, but they go on enough to know what is going on in other people's lives. I have no shame in admitting I check Facebook quite often. I like knowing what's going on in the lives of those I use to be very close to not to mention the usual FB stalking and creeping. Duh. Whether or not our real friendships ended (on good terms or bad) or we are actually friends in real life, I will periodically check your page to see what's new if you once were someone I was close to. I can't help it. Having Facebook can sometimes be a blessing and curse. There are so many pros and cons to Mark Zuckerberg's monster. So much so that the things we love so much about Facebook are the very things we hate. Behold...

Schoolin' You

Deuces bitches!!

I have worked in the NYC public school system for quite a few years now. In that time, not only have I taught countless teenagers, but they have taught me as well. It sounds cliche´ when you hear from teachers not only teach the students but learn from them as well. It's so very Dangerous Minds, and I am Michelle Pfeiffer. Obvs. Well, this isn't going to be a sappy blog about how their stories and our interactions have changed me. This is going to be about some of the vocabulary that they have taught me over the years that I have continued to impress upon my friends that don't work in the school system. Not only have my students increased my vocab with such a wide range of new verbs, nouns, and adjectives, but they have upped my street cred incredibly by doing so.

Because my students taught me so much, I only felt it necessary for me to pass on some of my knowledge to you. This is what I consider the white girl's guide to urban youth vocabulary and I am gonna school you in it...

Whippin' Out All the Moves

Do you ever hear those songs that make you just want break out into the running man (or even the roger rabbit)? No, me either. Ha. Please. Who am I kidding!! There are so many songs that make me just want to break out my best 90's dance moves and shake it all night long. The sprinkler? Done. The lawnmower? Piece of cake. The Shopping cart. I dominate that shit. I can go all night long with these sweet moves without getting tired. That's because some of the dance songs of the 90's are classic hits that will never die to me. They are the tunes that I use to get break it down to at school dances and bar and bat mitzvahs. I even have these songs on a special "Dance Cardio" playlist on my iPod. No joke. These songs can instantly transform me from tired to energetic because of their beat and rhythm.  When I hear them, I will just whip out all my best moves and let loose. They don't make 'em like this anymore.

1. Real McCoy, "Another Night."This is a fantastic dance song for the electric slide. What a beat!

The Dirty 30!

Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday dear... Yeah, yeah. Ugh, it's my birthday. The dirty 30. I guess I need to change the age in my "About Me" section, huh? I am kind of in denial to do so, so I don't know if I can right now. And forget about entering it on the elliptical on my workout this morn. Maybe I will just keep entering 29 for a little while longer. Hmmm?

I don't know why I have such negative connotation with my 30th birthday. I think it's because I feel 30 is old. And I am NOT old!! I hear 30 is the new 21, and I am really trying to embrace that, so I'll just have to play it by ear. You see the thing is, I don't feel 30. At all. I feel like I am 23 (and sometimes act like it). I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but its the truth.

When I was younger, I had these grand plans for myself for when I "grew up." I thought by the time I was 30, I'd be married, with at least one kid and potentially another on the way, living comfortably in the suburbs teaching at the very high school I went to. Pretty fabulous life I had planned for myself, right?

I don't get it!

I have spoken before about my distaste for certain fashion choices that people make, but there also happen to be some habits that adults should not partake it. When I see/hear them, they really irritate me for some reason. Once again, I am sure there are certain things that I may do/say that irritate the hell out of others, but because I am so perfect, they obvi are awesome. Duh.

Unacceptable

1. Adults that wear pigtails. Anyone over the age of 6 should NOT wear pigtails. It's just so juvenile. And don't even think about adding ribbons. I don't get the look. It's not cute and its always bothered me.

Acceptable

***Exception to the rule: Double French Braid. Its sporty and cute.

2. Adults who speak in baby talk. Unless you are talking to a baby or to a dog, this voice in not okay. Period. Most women do this when talking to guys because they seem to think it makes them more attractive. What? Really? I beg to differ. Who are these creeps that like it when a girl talks to them like a baby? Eeew. Its straight up weird. I have had friends who did this because they thought it made them sound adorable and I would literally yell at them to stop. How is this attractive? Someone explain this to me. I don't understand. And frankly, its its annoying.

Good Lord, Honey Boo-Boo Child

So let me start this off by saying I actually do NOT watch TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras. Shocking, right? But I must admit that when it first premiered a couple years ago I actually did have it programmed on my DVR and watched the first few episodes. I was too disgusted and appalled by the delusion and behavior of both the parents and the "beauty queens" that I couldn't stomach anymore. That doesn't stop me from reading about it from time to time online and in magazines (I am human after all!), especially when I come across a gem like the one I did on Friday. (Yes, its 6 minutes long, but watch it ALL. Promise? K. Thanks!)

Hmmmm....so how do I continue to write this blog entry without being a judgy, bitchy mess? I think that may be an impossible task in this case so I am not even going to try. Nor will I feel guilty about it. The way I see it, these people put themselves on television on purpose and by doing so, make themselves open targets for this kind of criticism (Exhibit A). I will however, lay off the kid, Alana, as much as possible because really, it's her mother who is a looney-tune. Her mother June, the "Coupon Queen" is many things, and eye pleasing is not one of them. I mean, seriously, look at the screen shot above. The woman is attractively challenged. (Apparently she has also been on TLC's Extreme Couponing so she loves the camera even though we might not agree.) I mean, seriously, how many chins does this woman have? I honestly feel bad for how unfortunate-looking she is. Poor Alana doesn't have much to look forward too, does she?

After I saw this video clip online, I checked my TV listings to see if this episode was airing again this week in its entirety and it wasn't. I was beyond disappointed. Beyond. But I am a survivor and will move on, so let's just discuss some of the very important things that I noticed in the brief video recap of the episode...

Represent. What-What!

If you had two words to describe me, they would obviously be "So Hood." Obvs. Since I live in NYC and teach in Harlem, I have legitimate street cred. All day, everyday. Kidding. As a white, Jewish girl from the suburbs, I am certainly not a gangsta in any sense of the word; however, I do love my Hip-hop/Rap music. Long before my move to the big bad city, I was just your normal run-of-the-mill chica who listened to Hip-Hop and Rap. That and pop music were what filled my mix tapes and CD's. (I know, totally random combo!) I enjoyed the likes of Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys with Tupac and Biggie. Of course many of us suburban kids thought we were much tougher and cooler because we listened to this music. But I knew I was tough and cool even without it; this just upped the ante. With that being said, the songs below certainly bring out my "hood side" and I am proud to say I know about 98% of the lyrics to all of these. Represent.

1. Biggie Smalls, "Notorious Thugs." I was introduced to this song on the bus to one of our basketball games in high school by one of my friends who was also into hip-hop. I was mesmerized by its beat and its lyrics. I instantly fell in love with it and learned all the words. Whenever I hear it today it still pumps me up.

Slip Your Digits

I am a firm believer in the phrase "You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain." However, what is considered to be nothing? Is it literally nothing? Is it your self-esteem or ego? Is it the fact you will never see this person again? What does this phrase actually mean to you?

To me, the "nothing to lose" means that you will not have this opportunity again so take advantage because the rewards could be great and if they don't pay off, then its basically no skin off your back. Usually, I have this thought when I see someone I am attracted to and I think, I should totally just slip them my digits. If they don't call, no biggie because I will probably never see them again, and if they do, I should at least get a date out of it. Minimum. If the date is good, you could gain a boyfriend or even new male friend. If its bad, you will at least have a funny story to tell your friends. But if you don't give this guy your number, will you think "What if?" (Or you could just keep checking the Missed Connections section on Craigslist and hope someone is talking about you. TOTALLY KIDDING. But some people actually do that!)

Getting My Workout On

It's that time of year again when all those people make New Years resolutions to hit the gym more often. It's pretty irritating. But the good thing is it only lasts about a month and then everything gets back to normal again and myself and the other regulars get our space back.

As you know, I like to get my workout on and I frequent the gym quite often now that the weather has gotten colder. Everyone at the gym pretty much has the same goals: Get healthy, lose weight, and/or feel good. I go to achieve all of these things and just love the energy and confidence a good workout gives me. Gotta love those endorphins. Since I am a creature of habit, I often go at the same time during the week so I see most of the same faces. On the weekends, I am a little more flexible so go whenever. This is when I get to see many of the different faces that I don't come into contact with during the week. There is quite a motley crue that go to my gym because of the neighborhood it is located it, however most gyms have a lot of the same types of people. These are the different types of people I have come across at the gym over the years.

1) Anorexic Girl. (Let me preface this by saying this might be a sensitive subject, but the fact remains these girls exist.) I don't know whether to be jealous of you (is that wrong?) or to feel sorry for you. I think about 10% of me is jealous of you for actually having the self-control to not eat and/or overexercise and 90% of me just feels bad for you. I feel bad because you probably look in the mirror and don't see what I am looking at and that is just plain sad. (And if that's the case, what do I look like in your eyes?) You spend all your time probably obsessing over what you are eating or not eating, and how much time you will spend at the gym. I also do that, but not to the extent that you do. I wonder how you have the energy to workout as much at you do, let alone at all. Please get some help (if you aren't already) because it really is painful for me to watch you continue to work out.

2) Man in spandex. I am sure you might have nice shapely legs and maybe even a tight ass, but I am sorry because when you are dude in spandex, all eyes goes directly to your junk. And you are lying if you say your eyes don't jolt their first. But guess what? I don't even want to see your junk, but in those spandex, you are putting it right on display and I can't help it. Then I giggle like a little immature girl. Let me focus on my workout please.

3) Grunting Man or Woohoo Lady in Spin Class. We get it. You are really getting it in. And maybe even working extra hard. But no one is impressed. Nor do I think you are working any harder than us. I kind of find it annoying actually.