Anyway, as it usually is for me following any big race (or even big trip), there is feeling of "Now What?" afterwards. When you look forward to something and have spent so long working toward a single goal and it has now come and gone, it's hard to figure out what the next step is. I treated myself with a SoulCycle package and two new pairs of gym shoes to help with some of the post-race funk, but there is still a little void. I know it will go away soon though; it always does and life will resume back to normal.
I took six full days off from working out (did SoulCycle the Sat after) and nine days off from running. I wanted to make sure I went back on my own terms. I knew if I started too soon, a) I wouldn't have given my muscles the well-deserved rest they earned and 2) I would begin to resent running and I didn't want that to happen. I am now back in a regular workout routine a bit, but it doesn't feel the same. Training for a marathon gives me a purpose. I need purpose in my life. I like having a goal to work toward to so without that, I tend to struggle a bit mentally. Although I am a highly self-motivated person, I get out of bed in the morning when that alarm sounds and do what needs to be done, I like having a solid, tangible reason to do it. Sure, I want to stay in shape, get some fresh air, blow off some steam, and burn off some energy, but I want to run FOR something. Hear me?
Since the marathons are over, my life is now not totally consumed with running. Worrying about running (having the time and going fast enough), fueling for running, sleeping enough for running, and then the actual running itself. This has all subsided a bit (it still exists because that's just how I am), but I am still super busy with life. It really hasn't slowed down much. But there are reasons why and they aren't all that bad. In fact, two of those reasons are new and I'm liking them!
1) Fall in New York. If you have never experienced the fall foliage in New York, you are missing out. Central Park this time of year is beyond beautiful. All the trees are changing colors and the temperature is just right. Weather wise, being able to wear yoga crops and a hoodie is just perfect. No jacket necessary! This makes it more fun to be outside, specifically in Central Park which I am lucky is so close to my apartment. It's downright magnificent and just puts me in a better mood. I find myself looking up more and just taking in my surroundings more. In the park. And even on the side streets in my neighborhood and up by work. I can't get enough of it. Fall doesn't seem to last that long here, but it is such a great time of year to be in the city and makes feel lucky to live here.
2) Basketball. This winter, I am coaching the Varsity Girls Basketball team. (This year I am coaching all three seasons. I did bowling in the fall, I'm doing this now, and will once again do flag football in the spring.) What can I say? I love sports!! And playing them for so many years have certainly shaped me to who I am today. I have wanted to coach basketball since I started teaching but the opportunity never presented itself until this year. (I had been asked to be the assistant a few years back but didn't want that role.) The coach of the girl's basketball team took another job at a school in Connecticut so the job was up for grabs. At first I was unsure if I wanted to apply because these girls are a bit too dramatic for me and many of them lack a lot of basketball experience. (They certainly would get totally dominated by my high school team.) However, when the opportunity arose to coach the team, I felt I couldn't pass it up. (This seems to be a familiar trend with me. NYC Marathon anyone?) It's a huge time commitment with practices or games every day of the week and also a lot of pressure. You see, every though in my opinion, these girls are not that great (its all relative though, especially to my past basketball experiences and I'm really critical about this stuff), they did win the PSAL "B" Division championship last year. That was no fluke and they have improved tremendously over the last few years. The competition in New York City basketball does not even hold a candle to that of Chicago and the suburbs. It's so shocking to me. But I digress. Anyway, my time after work is now consumed with practice and once the season really gets into full swing, it will be a whirlwind I'm sure. I'm super excited for all of this but also very nervous. I have big shoes to fill because the other coach did amazing things with these girls and I want to uphold the winning. As we all know, I am also a terrible loser, so not only do I not want to let the girls down, this is super personal for me too. It's also brought back a lot of memories from my high school basketball experience and its fun to remember those times and try to have my girls create their own awesome memories.
3) November Project. In order to keep my workouts not so monotonous, I have decided to give the November Project a try. Have you heard of them? (Watch the video, it'll get you excited.) They are a free-fitness movement in many cities and luckily the New York group meets close to my apartment. They meet every Wednesday at 5:28 a.m and 6:28 a.m at Gracie Mansion and on Friday's at 6:28 a.m at different locations around the city. The workout lasts about a 30-45 minutes or so and mixes things up which is something I desperately need. Plus, the leaders aren't sore on the eyes either. There is however, a lot of hugging and some chanting/cheering. This part just isn't really my thing. Maybe when I get to know the people a little more, it will be less uncomfortable for me, but for now, I'm just not so into that part. It seems NP is a little cult-y, but in a totally good way. (In a way that I want to join in on it.) Believe it or not, I am shy in situations like this and not my totally outgoing, charming self so I feel awkward. Everyone was genuinely friendly and supportive though because I think if you show up there, at 5:28 in the morning like me, you do share some things in common and there is some automatic respect there for that. I certainly hope that the weather doesn't hit an arctic freeze this winter so I can stick with it because so far, I am really enjoying it. I hope it makes me a little faster, a little stronger, and maybe I'll even make some new friends. And current friends, come join me one morning!!
Unfortunately, along with this beautiful fall season and these two awesome additions to my life, there are also downsides. Some old issues have come back to rear their ugly heads...
1) Exhaustion. I'm still tired all the time. And overwhelmed. With early morning workouts still (just because the marathon is over, doesn't mean the running stops), work all day, and coaching every single day after school, it's a long ass day. Depending on the day, I may wake up at 4:55 or 5:30 for my workout, then leave for work at 7:30 and don't get home again until between 6:30 and 7:30 at night. At that point, I stuff my face, unwind a little, and then go to bed just to do it all over again the next day. It's exhausting. It's not like I sit at a desk all day either. My job is tiring. It IS great, rewarding, and fun...but tiring. I mean, I am on my feet all day, molding young minds after all!! (But hey, at least I'm not starving all the damn time anymore. I'm hungry often (it's still me after all), but not all the time anymore.) When I do have free time on the weekends, I want to get enough rest to still get in a great workout and also do all the errands that I have zero time to do during the week, and oh yeah, just relax a little and clean out my DVR.
2) Lack of desire to go out. This has occurred for two reasons:
1) The fear of being tired (or hungover) the next day(s). Because I have not drank in over two months now (because of marathon training), I am almost scared of what will happen the next time I drink. Sure I could go out and have a single drink. But honestly, that does nothing for me except consume empty calories. If I have two drinks, I get may get a little buzz. I HATE having a buzz. It's this uncomfortable phase for me where I am anxious. And so therefore, I drink more to get to the drunk stage which I am so good at. When this happens, I drink more and stay out later. Sure I usually have a fantastic time, but I pay the price the next day. The staying out late actually affects me more than the alcohol, but that certainly plays its own role too. I am not ready for that. Yet.
2) I am not confident with my appearance at the moment. My skin hasn't been great lately and I gained some weight training for these marathons. I am sure some of the extra pounds are muscle, but I am also realistic that a lot of it is actual fat. And I don't like it. It's my own doing, but I still don't have to like it. I don't like the way my clothes fit or the way I look in them (or out of them). It's gross. For this reason, I do not want to go out. When I am feeling this way, I am way too self-conscious to be in a bar, all while consuming empty calories. I wish my brain didn't think like this and I could just go out and enjoy the night like a normal person, but I can't when my head is in this space. I will be waaaayyy to self-conscious and concerned that I am the fattest person in the bar the whole time and not be able to enjoy it. I am aware of what an issue this is but it's my reality. Hopefully I will get over it soon enough and be able to go out and have a fun night on the town.
3) Loneliness. Similar to last spring when I was coaching flag football and the spring weather was in full bloom and things were going so well, I had this deep feeling of loneliness. It's back. :( When I am happy and really enjoying myself, it's hard to come home after a good, long day to an empty apartment. I want to share my day and my happiness with someone. I know I'm not going to meet anyone sitting on my couch Friday and Saturday nights, but at the same time, I'm also not mentally prepared to potentially meet someone, and then be disappointed by them. I don't have it in me right now to deal with that because the story always seems to end the same way. It goes a little something like this... 1) Actually meet guy I'm halfway interested in. 2) Text with guy. 3) Think we are on the same page. 4) Guy just falls of the face of planet. 5) Me confused and disappointed. NOT. WORTH. IT. So for now, dating is just not a priority. I don't need the stress. I am also not wasting the little free time I have worrying using a dating website and sifting through hundreds of guys who may or may not be a "match." And Tinder is NOT going back on my phone either. Been there, done that. If someone just happens to come along, I am open to it. And if it's right, it will be easy and care-free. I know this. And I deserve it to be this way. But other than that, I am just working on accepting this loneliness and not let it eat at me and enjoy the life I have, because I do know how great it is.
Right now, I am really trying to focus on the positive, because you know what? There is a lot of it. I have a lot going on and am excited for what's to come. As usual, I am trying to push the negative thoughts out of my head because really, what good are they? They only set me back. This is and will probably always be a struggle for me. (I am at least aware of it though.) As I get older, I am trying to cope with everything a little better and just keep learning from what hasn't worked prior. Also, I am going to keep taking advantage of opportunities headed my way. And from here, I can only move forward...
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