You'd think in a city as big as New York, "How can one feel that lonely?" but when there are so many people around and not one of them is "yours," it can make it feel that way. You see others together hand in hand walking down the street, giggling, and just enjoying each other's company, and heck yes it makes me envious. I'm not gonna lie, I want that. I'm ready for it.
With all of these good things happening, I want to be able to go home and share them with someone. I want to have someone to share my excitement and my happiness with because there really is a lot of it. But instead I walk into an empty apartment, eat a lame dinner at my coffee table, surf the Internet and work on clearing my DVR, then go to bed. It just takes the air out of my sail day in and day out. On the flip side, if I am having a bad day, I go home and do the exact same thing. I have no one to really vent to or to cheer me up there. Sure I call my parents with the good and the bad, but I don't divulge everything to them. They are far away and I don't want to concern them (even though they are reading this right now. Sorry if this upsets you too.). I don't even really like talking to my friends about it. I just feel stupid.
I live a very active and busy lifestyle and a lot of the time I keep busy by myself. And although I like doing a lot of things alone, there are times I want a companion. Someone to try new things with or even just to go on a simple walk with. Someone to text or Snapchat that funny picture to. I miss that in having a boyfriend. The more and more I find things I want to do, the more and more I realize that my friends aren't interested in doing them, which then adds to my loneliness. Many of my interests lie within sports or sports-related events and my friends just aren't down with a lot of that and I am often left going alone or not going at all because it's just not something that will be enjoyable as a party of one. It's a huge bummer and I hate to say but it's put me in a bit of a funk lately. Then I become frustrated that something like this affects me mentally and emotionally and that just adds to the funk. Once again, huge bummer.
I mean, sure, you're probably thinking "Join a dating website. Put yourself out there. Take some risks." Well number one, I have said this before, I won't do a dating website so don't even try it. Secondly, I HAVE put myself out there, time and time again, and haven't gotten the desired results. It's demoralizing and it hurts. I just keep thinking "What am I doing wrong? Why don't guys like me?" Sucks. However, I am a true believer that when it happens, it happens and I'll know it. And if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. I know I need to be happy with myself regardless. #WorkInProgress. I wear a bracelet everyday reminding me "I am enough." I just need to start believing it and being comfortable with it. Until then, I guess I just need to continue being me, keeping busy, and doing what I enjoy. Hopefully that feeling of loneliness will dissipate and I can enjoy everything wonderful that is my daily life.
Just sit with the feeling of loneliness instead of pushing it away and it will go away on its own. Until you really just feel the feeling, it will continually repeat itself because you keep denying that part of you or making it into something bad. It's not bad, it's part of you. Accept it and accept yourself as you are. Love yourself for all your parts.
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