When my mind starts to wander like this, its usually not a good thing. I'm not proud to say so, but I tend to focus on the negatives. Most of them having to do with my body. (And sometimes my singledom and I know those two things do happen to go hand in hand.) It just seems that everything I do in life always comes back to two things: working out and eating. Everything that I do has to not interrupt the workouts and the meals and/or drinks can't be too often or too indulgent. It gives me great anxiety. All the time. This uneasiness is not a good feeling to walk around with everyday. Being uncomfortable in my own skin is something I should have grown out of already, not something that continues to be a struggle for me.
With all of this going on, I am constantly trying to appreciate myself more. Trying not to self-loathe as much. Trying to love myself a little bit each and every day. And you know what? It's not easy. I can't tip toe around it. It's very hard for me. I look in the mirror and inspect. And pinch. And prod. And poke. And then I just cringe. And sometimes even cry. This isn't mentally healthy. Sometimes my thoughts terrorize me. I don't know why I let the number on the scale shape my mood for the day and that dimple of cellulite control my self-worth so much, but it does. I know my body is strong and does so much for me and I appreciate it for that, but I just wish I liked the way it looked. And I wonder no matter how much I work out and eat healthy, if I ever will be able to do so.
Are these normal thoughts? Absolutely not. But do they cross my mind quite often? Unfortunately they do. And they scare me. They scare me for many reasons. The one major reason being that if I cannot love myself, will I ever let anyone else love me? And then I let my feelings about my body control my social life. Have I worked out enough today to allow me to drink? Did I consume too many calories already today or can I go out to eat? If I go out to eat, will there be something healthy on the menu and will I have the self-control to actually order it? And when I do eat, is everyone watching what I eat because they know I feel this way about myself. If I drink too much and/or stay out too late, will I be too hungover or too tired to workout the next day? And if I do go out and a guy does happen to approach me, I will most certainly question why he would even talk to me when there are so many other prettier, skinnier girls around. It's not good. All of these thoughts. Not good at all. But what can I do to stop these them? I can tell myself I am intelligent, funny, driven, etc... (Which are all true btw.) But can I honestly look in the mirror and like what I see? Each day is different and its a constant struggle.
Part of me was embarrassed to write and post this and part of me felt a little better after doing so. It was mildy therapeutic. I can't be alone in feeling one or all of these things, can I? I know some people will relate and others may not at all. And that's okay. It's hard being a woman in today's society with all the pressure to have the perfect body. I know I will never have the perfect body, I just want one that I can be comfortable with. When will I learn that even though the only thing I can think about is my body, many others are looking beyond that? At the ripe old age of 30, you think that light bulb would have gone off by now, but it just seems to be getting dimmer and dimmer. I'm doing my best to remind myself of all the positives in my life, and there are many. I deserve love, but the person I need to start with is myself. And day by day, I am trying to make little strides to get there. Until then, peep this video by Amy Poehler that every woman should watch. Such a serious message from such a funny woman but she is preaching the truth. I am trying to get on board with what she says because I know she is right, but so much easier said than done.
all the best !
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