Things have basically been going pretty great for me. I had accepted a very YOLO mantra to many things in my life including booking my Europe trip and accepting invites to events I wouldn't normally go and not worrying so much about the money and being up past my bedtime. I also think I even landed my first position as a spin instructor. (Things still need to be finalized on that front, but it looks like a go. Fingers crossed.) But along the way, specifically in the last two weeks, there have been some bumps in the road that have caused me a lot of stress and anxiety. And I am annoyed to say that after eleven months of being Ulcerative Colitis flare-up free, I am experiencing major gastro distress. Ugh. Yup, I stressed myself sick and am having my first flare in a long time.
First came some mild cramping. I thought little of it and thought it would pass. A week later came the I-think-I-am-having-a-baby-cramping where all I can do is moan and squirm and crawl into a ball. Then came the mucousy diarrhea. And then a tiny bit of blood. At this point, I finally called the doctor. I wanted to nip this sucker in the bud. In the grand scheme of all my flares, this has been pretty tame so far and I don't want it to get any worse.
So here I am, back on some Flagyll hoping it will do the trick. You see, this is the first flare I have had since being on the Remicade so I really can't believe it's happening. I have gone every 8 weeks or so the past 11 months to get the magic bullet and it has kept me healthy. So now that I am flaring up while on it, guess what, this causes me more stress. You know what my prescription should be? A fucking chill pill.
Why do I let myself drive myself so crazy? Who knows. And is it the stress that really did cause the flare? Probably. Actually, most likely. Stress is a major trigger for flares and I honestly can't think of any other reason this would happen to me considering I have been so healthy up until this point in the last 11 months and these last few weeks have taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally. I don't think its a coincidence.
I have been trying to manage my stress better over the last few years but it just seems to get the best of me. With things kind of sucking at work, anxiety over wanting to find a spin instructor position, and boy worries, I cannot believe I let if affect me so much. And the crazy thing is, I then get aggravated and stressed even more than I actually let all of this stuff get to me. It's a bad cycle and one that perhaps some good ole therapy and perhaps some Xanax or Valium could cure. But that would be too easy right? Instead, I just cry and let the thoughts take over my head. Not okay.
Let's break it down. Maybe writing this out will make me realize that these things are so NOT worth getting nutso over and I need to take the worrying down a notch. Okay, maybe like fifteen notches. If I can ease the stress in these situations, then hopefully my tummy will start to feel better.
1) Work. Um, yeah, it sucks. But you know what, I can control what I can control and that's that. I know that within the boundaries of my classroom I have the power and things are totally fine more or less. Beyond those four walls, I need to just accept that things aren't going to be the way I want them to be. It's sad but true. And it's probably not going to change. But I have to make the best of it. My school is not an awful place, it just might not be the right place for me anymore. And the thought of applying for new jobs and starting over in a new place is beyond frightening. But it might be that time. Fact: Change scares me.
2) Spin Audition. This was going to be my first one ever. I went in with the "I have nothing to lose and a ton to gain" mentality and I really meant it. However, that didn't stop me from being a nervous wreck the days and hours beforehand. However, I left there pretty sure I nailed it. The guy basically offered me the job on the spot and sent me all the paperwork the next day so I assume I am. Yet somehow, until I am officially scheduled in, I still don't believe it. But I am beyond excited at this opportunity and all of you in NYC who know me better come to my class once this is solidified.
3) Boys. Ugh. As someone who just wants instant gratification, I want to know straight up if you like me or not. If yes, great. And if not, please just be honest and tell me though. Otherwise I think and think. And overthink. It's not a good scene. At all. It takes a lot for me to actually "like-like" someone so when I do, it's hard for me to even believe. I mean, this has maybe happened like three times in the last three years. And since I haven't had a boyfriend in five years, we all know how those stories ended. Boo. But when I do find someone and see potential and they may even like me back, I find it hard to believe and I second guess and I get insecure. So freaking unattractive. Even when they reassure me, I have a hard time believing and trusting. I don't know why I can't just accept, enjoy, and live in the moment more when it comes to this. Oh I know what my problem is, I am too afraid to get hurt. So instead I worry. I prepare for the hurt and psych myself out. I put so much pressure on myself for it to work. I wish I could just rewind a month or two ahead and see what's going to happen because I don't want to wait. Yes I realize how crazy this makes me seem but I try to play it cool on the outside. It's a valiant effort. But all of this still causes me too much stress and too many tears. It's straight up not healthy. Part of me just wants to end things before they begin because its not worth my sanity. And yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I just don't like the unknown. It scares me. However, the reality of the situation is that I must relax and let things work out on their own and in due time I will know what I need to know regardless if it works out or not. I have to accept this. If things are meant to be they will and if not, I know there has got to be more out there for me.
Wow look there, I am talking myself to a better mindset. At least for now. But I do know if I want my health to improve, then I need to relax. Big. Deep. Breaths. Even if the meds work, this can easily happen again if I don't take some deep breaths and tell my brain to calm the fuck down. Life doesn't need to be taken so seriously, and I truly need to live by these words. So a message to the thoughts in my brain: "Please take it easy." Once this happens, perhaps my colon will follow suit and I will be back to myself in no time.
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