Since then, I have been on four, (yes four) different meds to try and get my body back on track and it seems things are finally on the up and up. (Surprisingly enough, chill pills were not one of the prescriptions though.) It took an unsuccessful antibiotic treatment (one that has worked in the past), a moved up Remicade treatment which helped mildly, some stomach relaxers, and finally the big P to get me back in action. That's right, I had to go to the old stand-by, whom which I have a love-hate relationship with: Prednisone. As much as I hate being on that drug because of its annoying, gross side-effects, it usually does the trick. So far it has been the first thing in these 5-6 weeks that has actually helped me feel better again. I ran for the first time yesterday in five weeks and although it was a very difficult and awful run, I was glad to get going again. Just like after all my illnesses last year, I have to start from scratch and take my baby steps to build up that endurance. I've done it before and I'll do it again.
Although I am still super stressed over the many things going on in my life, they are all positive right now. I described my situation today to a friend as my life spiraling upwards out of control. Upwards as in good. But out of control as in things are still pretty crazy-stressful. The three major things that I think contributed to my last flare have seemed to iron themselves out for now. They are now causing new stresses, but that's life. At least I have taken some control over them and they are all heading in the right direction this time around. So let's take a look at where things have progressed. Shall we?
1) Work. After having a pretty miserable school year, I have taken a new teaching position for the fall. I am leaving the school I have been with the past eight years, the only school I know, and taking a leap of faith at a new school. Personally and professionally, I am scared shit-less, but I know it was the right decision for me if I want to develop as a teacher and potentially take that path to become an administrator someday. I will be given new opportunities to grow that also line up with my interests so it looks like it's a win-win for me.
As much as change scares me and I know there will be a lot to learn at the new school, I believe I am ready to take on this challenge. It is a school where know numerous staff members and some students, and is also still relatively close to my old school. I hope to maintain a relationship with my old school, and as bittersweet of a decision as this one, I think in the end, I will be a lot happier.
2) Spin. This morning I confirmed my first teaching gig. I am going to be subbing for an instructor in two weeks for her Saturday class. I am going to teach my own freaking spin class!!! I can't believe it. I am so excited. I can't wait to plan my playlist and push these people to the limits. The way I love to be pushed when I take a class.
This will be the first class I will ever teach, but if I can teach it as hard as I ride, then people should leave my class dripping in sweat with huge smiles on their faces. That's what it's all about folks.
3) Boys. This one didn't end the way I wanted it to but for now it's done with and it was finally on my terms. In a decision that took a lot of thought and had me crying many (many!!) tears, I feel like I ended up doing once again, what was the best decision for me. For the last month and a half or so I had been dating someone. I hadn't really made it public because we were just dating. Although neither of us was seeing anyone else, it's not like we were BF-GF or anything and I didn't want to jinx it. It was the most serious thing I had been in in a long time. Since most of the guys I date don't have a shelf life longer than two weeks or so, being with someone for almost seven weeks was a big deal to me. It had also made me really think about what I want out of a actual long-term relationship. About what I need from a man and what I believe I deserve. This is something I haven't really thought about in a long time because there were no real potential suiters. What it comes down to, is at thirty-one years old, if I am not getting the things I want (especially after this amount of time), its time to move on. I need to be honest with myself that even though I like you, you aren't providing me with what I feel an adult relationship should have at this point. Ultimately, if I am not getting what I deserve, I owe it to myself to cut my losses and move on. And so I did.
Although things started out so fun and easy, I think he got overwhelmed/scared with his emotions and started to freak. We talked about it very openly and honestly on a few occasions and I expressed my concerns and also my expectations on what may lay ahead. It was as honest and vulnerable as I have been with a guy in my life. And so was he. It was refreshing and mature. We were actually handling this like adults. At this age, if you date someone and don't see a future, why waste your time? Two weeks in, I usually know, and then a month in, something should start escalating. A month and half in, I should have some sort of commitment. "Shit or get off the pot" as one of my good friends likes to say. If you can't give me that or even take the risk to attempt it, then we shouldn't continue dating. Period. Even though he told me he loved me (yeah, love. -- I was shocked) and saw something down the road, at this time, he couldn't give me what I wanted because he had too much going on. It was beyond upsetting and disappointing. I'm sorry, but if you love me like you say, you will do everything in your power to make it work. I didn't even use the L-word, but was willing to take that risk. In the long run, I wasn't going to compromise what I want at this juncture of my life, especially with so much going on, for someone who may never come along. And I wasn't going to wait an unspecified amount of time to wait and see. I am not going to lie, it was super tough to make that decision and really stick with it. It took me two weeks to stick with it, but I finally have. I feel strong and empowered now because it was the right thing to do. It hurt my heart, but eased my mind.
As you can see, things are starting to really come together. I have my Europe trip coming up very soon and I just want to get away and have the best time of my life. I want to leave the stresses of work and boys and my tummy here in the U.S. of A and have an unforgettable, once-in-a-lifetime experience. Fingers crossed my stomach continues to improve as I ween off the Prednisone and take some deep breaths. Although I am not thrilled to be have any spiral in my life, this one is heading in the right direction and the possibilities seem to working for me right now. Up, up and away!
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