Needy is No-No

I have recently gotten HBO so of course I have been watching some old episodes of Girls. (I'm getting ready for the new season. Woohoo!) Obviously being a 31-year-old single woman who lives in New York, I can relate to that show. Even though I seem to have my life together a little (well, a lot)  more than the girls on the show, their real-life body, boy, job, and all-around life dramas are relatable and real. Especially all the boy stuff. For some reason, this show makes me really examine myself and the relationships I have. (And I use the term relationships VERY loosely.) Maybe it's because I'm comparing the girls' issues to my own or maybe not, but something always hits a little close to home.

Let me start this by saying that I believe I am one of the most independent people I know. Some might think I am too independent and because I enjoy doing things by myself waaaaayy too much. And they may be right. However, that doesn't mean I don't want a man by my side doing some (not all!) of this stuff with me. So here it goes... And it's hard to admit...but... I want a boyfriend. There, I said it. Blah. It just sounds so needy and pathetic. Like "waaaah, find me a man. I'm so lonely." I am so not that girl, but at the end of the day, its becoming less and less fun coming home to an empty apartment day after day. It would be nice to have someone to share my day with. Share my successes with. Send funny emails and pictures to. And to cry to, if need be.

I recently read an article about what it means to be a "needy girl" because if someone describes you as needy, that is most certainly not a good thing. At all. As a girlfriend, I have never been needy. One reason being because once in a full-on committed relationship, I am secure with my standing in this man's life. And because I am so fiercely independent, I always still wanted my "me time" and therefore didn't want to spend every waking moment together with my man, and they always appreciated that. It gave them time to be alone and to hang with friends. I mean, seriously, I was a cool ass girlfriend. And I still believe any man would be lucky to have me today for this (and so much more, natch).

Here lies the issue though...When I am first talking to a guy, I am super insecure (and maybe a little needy) because I just need to know what the deal is. (Of course though, I am not outwardly needy to the guy, just in my own head (and when I whine to my friends) so at least he doesn't know.)  As someone who likes instant gratification, I want to know right off the bat: 1) Do you like me? 2) Do you see this going anywhere? At my age, if the answer to those two things are no, its time to move on. I don't want to waste your time and I certainly don't want to waste mine.  However, you need to make that clear in some manner and until you do, I am just not totally myself. Needy is not me. But for some reason all the "what ifs" of talking to, seeing, or dating someone makes me a tad that way until I know what the situation is. Once I know, I go back to good ole me. I am constantly working on this and improving in baby steps though. (I feel that at my age, real men will make their feelings and intentions clear, and the pussies won't because they either can't talk about their feelings or they just don't want to hurt mine. Not okay. Man up.)  I know most people might not know this right away and that's fine, but still not knowing (or making it clear) a couple weeks in isn't going to fly. And you know what else totally sucks? Liking someone more than they like you. It's awful and makes you feel like garbage. Been there, done that.

So anyway, what am I am getting at? Basically, this needs to be "my year" relationship-wise. I go through phases of putting myself out there, so to speak, and then get let down. After getting let down time and time again, it gets demoralizing and its just no fun. To like someone and not have them like you back is not a good feeling. It hurts. And to go out with someone and just not feel any spark time and time again is also equally annoying. It feels like a waste of time. Both happen pretty often and I'm kind of fed up with it all. Like why should I even bother anymore? If I am putting myself out there and getting nothing in return, what's the point?  I know that's the wrong attitude to take because doing nothing would yield even worse results, but at least I wouldn't get hurt. Sure it takes a lot of frogs before one meets their prince, but I am not getting any younger here. I may just need to take a step back, evaluate the situation a bit more, and see what happens.

As corny as it is, I feel that as soon as I meet the right person, it will feel right and there will be no questions asked and no insecurities. It will just be right. But I mean, really, how much longer will this take? I'm running out of steam and I don't like that feeling since I'm not a quitter. As the new year ascends, I want to take a better approach and more positive attitude toward this, but I really don't know how.  I'm being me and that's all I can be. Love it or leave it. I guess I'm just hoping one of these days, sooner than later, someone will once again love it.