Pathetic...Party of One

Hey you! Yeah, you over there. The one I have had a crush on for the last 7 months. Why do I still like you? For some reason, I have this crush on you that I cannot shake. You are nothing special. At all. And yet, I am strangely drawn to you. What is my problem?

You so very obviously don't like me. And I know this. You have no desire to date me. After going out a few times together, I blew it. We both know what happened and don't need to relive it. But I def blew it and you have every right to not be interested anymore. I get it.

I like you and yet you don't like me. You have even said so much to my face. (Well not exactly. You told me you didn't want to date anyone right now. But we both know by anyone, you meant me. I am not an idiot, you know.) Yep, brutal. Yet I can't help but think you are going to come around and realize how much you do, in fact, like me and want me to be your girlfriend. I mean, really? This NEVER happens and this isn't going to be the exception. Seriously, what is my problem? I know you suck. For reals. My friends tell me how much you suck. You possess so many qualities that generally turn me off someone. But I am still attracted to you. This is so NOT like me. At all. In fact, I never get hung up on guys. Usually, I have the feeling of "your loss sucker" and move on. But not with you. Which is weird too because I have never had more clear signals that someone is not interested in me and have that attract me even more. I feel like a character in a bad movie. But alas, this is my real life and I need to get over you. ASAP. Pathetic...party of one.

I think my problem is that I like you because you don't like me back. I think that's pretty much it. I like the chase. I want what I can't have. I am also very aware that the second that we'd actually start to date, I'd get annoyed and irritated with you after about two weeks, and want to end it. Yet I still like you. Why is that? What is wrong with me? I can't be the only one this happens to? Can I? Apparently I like to torture myself. I will get over you. Eventually. Maybe you should just date me one more time so we can get this whole charade over with?! Uh huh, yeah.

I want in on that Island

As previously mentioned, I DVR Saturday Night Live every Saturday night. One of my favorite players on SNL is Andy Samberg. I don't know what it is about him, but he cracks me up.  He just seems like a nice, normal Jewish guy which is why its so strange that I have a crush on him. Physically, he is almost exactly the opposite of what I am attracted to (big nose, Jew fro, not so great teeth, short, pale, etc...) but his sense of humor is just so sexy to me. Proof positive, I am not that shallow and personality does increase attractiveness. (Plus I know my mom would approve of him!)
 
Andy is part of a group called The Lonely Island and they frequently perform digital shorts for SNL. They are songs with music videos, usually with awesome cameos, that if they weren't so ridiculous would probably be hit songs played on the radio all the time. Andy, along with Akiva Schaffer and Jorma Taccone, who also make up The Lonely Island, have released two CD's as well. Some of the digital shorts have become quite famous because of their ridiculousness and awesomeness. Below are my five favorite Lonely Island digital shorts. 

1. Dick in a Box. Whenever JT comes on SNL, you know he is going to team up with Andy to make an amazing video. This one inspired awesome Halloween costumes and a great to-do list for any well-to-do gentleman. 
1. Cut a hole in a box
2. Put your junk in a box
3. Make her open the box.

2. Mother Lover.  For anyone who thought Dick in a Box could not be outdone, this one was pretty darn close. Incredible cameos (and wardrobe choices) in this video that was perfect for Mother's day.

3. I Just Had Sex. I even saw this song performed in concert when Akon opened for Usher this year in NJ. Sometimes after a successful night out I want to sing this from the rooftops. Aaaah. Kidding. 

4. I'm On a Boat. A little T-Pain and some autotune. What could be bad? In this case...nothing. Just don't forget your flippy floppies.

5. Jizz in My Pants. Hahahaha. Jizz. Hilarious. Once again, great cameos. And you can't beat the facial expressions of these guys. This song/video is so good it makes me want to jizz in my pants. 

6. Lazy Sunday. This was probably the first big bit hit from the group. Along with Chris Parnell, Andy describes his adventures on a Sunday to see The Chronicles of Narnia. Sounds dumb, right? It's completely brilliant. For some reason, YouTube doesn't have the video for this, just the song on a blank screen. Go HERE to see the video in its entirety. Trust me, its worth it.

Honorable Mentions: Threw it on the Ground, The Creep, Shy Ronnie, and Like a Boss.

If you couldn't get enough of the songs/videos above, def check out the honorable mentions on YouTube as they are pretty hilarious as well. Heck, after listening to these again, I think it might be time to add some to my iPod.

Thanksgiving with my Fave Person

I am not going home to Chicago for Thanksgiving this year. I have lived in NYC for about eight years and have gone home for Thanksgiving a total of three times. The first time was because it was my first year away from home so of course I had to go. The second time I had a wedding the previous weekend and just stayed until the following Sunday (thank god for my super nice principal who granted me those three personal days!). And the third time was last year for my ten-year high school reunion which was that weekend. You see, I love my family with all my heart, but flying out of NYC the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and coming home the Sunday after is no walk in the park. In fact, it is awful. Lines are long, people are grouchy, and usually my flights are delayed. All for a rushed weekend at home. It's not worth the anxiety for me. Yes, I know its one of the most special holidays of the year, but my family understands why I don't come home. They are more concerned about what their little girl does all day on Thanksgiving in NYC all by herself. Well that's easy, I hang out with my favorite person in the world: myself. We have a great little day together; one that I actually look forward to. Is that weird?

I get offers to go to friend's houses for Thanksgiving in Long Island, New Jersey, etc... but if I can't be with my own family, I don't want to be with someone else's. That makes me sad. I'd rather be by myself. For some reason, that is not as depressing for me. Does that make sense at all?

I have my Thanksgiving Day all planned out and I am hoping the weather cooperates. You see, in a city like NYC, there is actually plenty to do on Thanksgiving day. And if there wasn't, I would also be just as happy laying around in my sweatpants watching movies all day. (But I don't want to do that because I will have the rest of the weekend to do that if need be. ) Lots of people are alone on Thanksgiving here. Some people have a "friendsgiving" while others have what they call "NYC orphans Thanksgiving" and invite all the people that have nowhere to go for the holiday. I have been invited, but never attended these kind of events for the same reason I don't take my friends up on their offer to go to their homes for the holiday. I am fine alone. One year I was here my roommate and I went out for a Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant in the neighborhood. It was meh. Another year my boyfriend at the time and I cooked our own feast which actually came out delicious. And two years ago I spent the morning with a friend and the rest of the day wandering around getting lost in this wonderful city. I am really looking forward to doing something like that again. It's rare to find days where the city feels so empty. And I kind of like it. Makes it more homey.

So what am I am going to do on my turkey day? I am super excited to sleep in (ha...who am I kidding with that one?), relax for a bit, and then head out to watch Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade live. I use to watch it on TV when I was a little kid and to be able to see it live still thrills me each time. I love seeing the giant balloons and the celebrities singing. But the thrill only lasts for about a half hour or so and then I get bored. I will then walk downtown with the parade and then veer off to do some shopping. Old Navy will be open. Walgreens (one of my three favorite stores!) will be open. And other stores are usually open along the way. I will dilly dally around the city and eventually make my way back home, hopefully after snagging a good deal or two, and then shower and put on my sweats. By this time, I will be exhausted and will prob throw in an early movie and make myself a microwave dinner. Don't feel bad. I don't really like Thanksgiving food that much anyway. The starches yes, but not so much to everything else. I don't miss it. I am actually grateful to not have that caloric bomb of a meal. One less thing to stress over. After my meal, I will prob watch some more TV and call it a night. But don't worry, I will have most likely talked to my family at least five times that day, checking in multiple times, reassuring them I am okay and having a great day.

To some people, this day sounds awful. But to me, its kind of fun. Do I wish I was home with my family? Of course. Do I wish my family would come to NYC for Thanksgiving? Dying to have them do that! But it's not happening this year, so I am going to make the best of it and enjoy my day. Happy Thanksgiving all.

Comforts of Suburbia

Although I consider myself a New Yorker now, I was born and raised in the suburbs of Chicago. I never actually lived in the city of Chicago, so I grew up a very suburban life. And I loved it every second of it. After all, we know how "fast" those city kids grow up.

But even though I love living in NYC, there are some suburban comforts that I miss and that I definitely took for granted all these years. When I do go home, I get so excited to do some of these things that I accomplish them all in one day and then spend the rest of my visit bored. So what suburban Chicago comforts do I miss the most?

1) Driving to Target and Costco. Yes, there is now both a Target and a Costco in Manhattan. It also happens to be located a few blocks from where I work which is a total score. I often will run over on my lunch break to pick up a few things if I have time. But here's the thing, city Targets are often so picked over. They run out of stuff so freaking fast. If I can't find something there, I will look online, but sometimes I even have to have my mom run over to the local Target and pick up what I want and send it to me. And without a car, a visit to Costco can sometimes be a difficult task. I can only get a few things at a time and that are easily transportable by bus/train. I can't do a one stop shop. I have to make multiple trips or wait for one of my fantastic friends with a car can take me. I love them for that. And I would never even attempt to head over there on the weekends because its a zoo. It's crowded on the weekends at home, but not unbearable like it is here.

2) Chain Restaurants: Chili's and Cheesecake Factory especially. NYC is home to some of the best restaurants in the country, yet sometimes I just want some Chili's chips and ranch (AMAZING!) or a big salad from the Cheesecake Factory. I really think that Cheesecake Factory would kill it here so I always wonder why there isn't one. After all, there are two California Pizza Kitchen's here that do pretty well (not to mention many other not-nearly-as-good chains.)

 
3) The mall. Specifically Old Orchard and Northbrook Court. Just like with food, NYC has some of the beset shopping in the world. Big flagship stores and cute little boutiques. However, they can be pretty crowded and pretty spread out throughout the city. And the Manhattan Mall on 34th is a joke. When you hit a suburban mall, you get every store you pretty much want all under one roof. And you usually get a Nordstrom too. I miss their shoe department the most. So great. Sigh.

4) Walking barefoot around the neighborhood. Would you walk barefoot on the streets of NYC by choice? Nope. I am not going to lie, but I have walked home drunk and barefoot more times than I can count. I am not proud of it, but sometimes high heels and drunkenness is not the best combination at 3 am. I do however, keep on the lookout for hypodermic needles and glass. Obvi. I am not that dumb. At home, I walk my block barefoot. Feet in the grass. Crossing the street to the neighbors. Shooting hoops in the driveway. Who needs shoes? Puh-lease.

5) Proximity to the Beach. I love the beach. So much. I grew up as a Lake Michigan girl and am not a huge fan of the ocean. As a family we use to go to the beach often and in high school I went all the time, day and night. We were that close to it. A quick 20-minute drive and we were there. In Manhattan, a trip to the beach is an all day (or weekend long) schlep out to Long Island or the Jersey Shore. They are nice beaches, but I miss the lake. And don't even ask why I don't head to Coney Island for the beach. Ick.

As much as I miss these comforts of home, there are so many parts of New York that I would miss tremendously if/when I leave this great city. Growing up with the above comforts/habits has made me who I am today and that is why I miss them so much and make sure to partake in them (and so many other Chicago things) when I go home. But would it really be so bad for a Cheesecake Factory or Nordstrom to open here?  C'mon now.

GUEST POST: The Non-date date

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy says, “Hey, I like spending time with you. You are also very (pretty/smart//funny). I would like to take you on a date.” Girl likes boy. Girl replies, “Oh, that sounds like fun.” Boy says, “Awesome. Let’s get (drinks/coffee/ice cream). How does (semi-hip but not too fancy bar/hipster coffee house/ Serendipity) on (Friday/Saturday/Sunday) at (7/8/9).” Girl exclaims, “Perfect! I will see you then. It’s a DATE.”

In a perfect world, this is how things would go down. It’s not brain surgery after all, it’s just dating. However, it seems now a days we lack communication skills and are always looking to save face. Therefore, the scenario more often than not, goes like this: Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy sends girl a Facebook message that says something along the lines of:  Hey, so great running into you the other day. If you are ever in midtown (i.e. where I live and work), let me know. I will buy you a drink. I know a really great bar where they always have $2 beer specials. Let me know.

Clearly, I swoon over messages like this. Facebook Guy is basically saying, hey if you are in a location that is convenient for me, at a time that works for me, than I am more than willing to buy you a $2 drink. I will not call it a date. I will make it seem as CASUAL as possible. I will actually make you set up the entire thing, but don’t forget, I will buy you a beer. So, the question is: Is this a date?

If you weren’t sure, Facebook Guy is real, and Facebook Guy did pay for my drinks that night. We had fun, but the whole time I had no idea if this was just two friends drinking where one friend paid for the other, OR if this was a date. He didn’t try to kiss me when the non-date-date was over, therefore I declared it was NOT a date. Maybe he was deciding if he wanted to date me with a “trial date.” Maybe I didn’t pass the test, which was why he didn’t try to kiss me. Fair enough, Facebook Guy. To my surprise, a week or so later, he asked me out again. Or rather, suggested we see a movie together. In which he paid for my ticket. I insisted on buying the pre-movie drink, as if we were just going to be going out as friends, it was only fair. We drank, saw the movie, had a good old time again, and then NOTHING. No kiss. No, “Hey this was really great and you’re pretty and I would like to date you, but I am too nervous to make the move to kiss you right now, but know that in a few more dates it’s going to happen.” Nope. None of that. I am usually pretty patient, but when he tried to take me out again I was so confused on what the situation was that I just could not bring myself to say yes. I could not go on any more non-date-dates with Facebook Guy. The non-relationship was over.

What is the moral of this story? The moral is simple: Be clear with your intentions. If Facebook Guy wanted to to just be my friend then he should not have paid for my drinks/movie tickets. If Facebook Guy wanted to date me he should have asked me on a date. I know it isn’t easy. I am surprisingly shy when it comes to matters of the heart. I am not always the best communicator. However, knowing what I know now, if I EVER ask anyone out I will use the word DATE in the sentence. If they aren’t interested in dating me I’d like to know sooner rather than later, and if they do want to date me, I would like to know that I am indeed on a date so that when I try to kiss them at their door when I walk them home (yeah I’m classy, what of it?) they won’t be thrown off. They will simply say, “That was an amazing date. Thank you for kissing me goodnight. I will CALL you tomorrow.” And then he will!

Author: The Gu