I'll keep it to myself

There are a lot of things that cross my crazy mind day in and day out. Most of them I either keep to myself because they are beyond ridiculous and silly, while others are plain mean. I can't help it that these things come across my brain. (Most of these things seem to occur to me while on the train. Shocking, right?) I don't want to hurt someone's feelings or get jacked in the face if I say these things out loud so I keep my mouth shut. I would never think of saying them directly to the person. My judgemental tendencies can often be a little embarrassing so I just refrain from speaking. I am not proud of it, but it happens.

While I am a very open book a majority of the time either with my words (or my facial expressions), I do have a filter and know what is and is not appropriate to say. Most of the time. Somethings are just better left unsaid. So with that actually being said, here are some things that people (hopefully not just me) think but don't say out loud...

1. Invest in some Spanx. There are many woman that wear unflattering clothes for their body type. And it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. Their clothes might be too tight or just not fit well because of bulges or other imperfections which are all totally normal. We are human and don't all have the body of Victoria Secret models, but we can damn well still look good in a tight dress if we want to. One way to solve part of this problem is for the woman to get some Spanx.  Spanx are magic. Invest in some. They will suck you in where you need to be sucked in and even you out and make you look a few pounds thinner. Trust me, I own quite a few pairs. 

2. You should be arrested right now. When I see parents swear at their toddlers, (yes toddlers) on the train it absolutely disgusts me. I mean, really? This is why the apple doesn't fall far from the tree later in life. When grown woman tell their 2-year-olds to shut the fuck up, I am utterly disturbed. This has happened more times than I can count and it truly pains me to see. More often than not, the swearing is accompanied by a shove or smack. Of course no one says anything. If this person does this to their child, what the heck will they do to you if you butt in? In those cases, I just want to grab the child and hug them because chances are, they probably haven't had one of those in a long time. 

Additionally, when I see parents give their toddlers pop through a fast food cup and then feed them french fries (or other equally unhealthy food), I just want to shake them. Unhealthy. Unhealthy. Unhealthy. This is why your child doesn't know how to eat properly. This is why your child will probably be overweight and develop diabetes. Give your child something nutritious that won't rot their teeth and clog their arteries.

Both of these come down to bad habits. Parents: please act like parents. Be responsible. This is a child. This is someone who mind and habits you are shaping. Be a good example. 

3. Ew, can you picture them having sex? You ever see a couple down the street and then get a mental image of them "doing it." You want to ask the person you are walking with, or even a random stranger next to you if they can see these two getting it on and what a nasty, sweaty mess it would be? Am I totally gross for this? Maybe. But I can't say it doesn't cross my mind. These people probably invented the term "bumping uglies." Ick. But hey, good for them, they are getting it on the reg and that's more than I can say for myself. 

4. Your child is ugly. Omigod, I am the worst person on Earth for even thinking that. Omigod, just for thinking that, I am going to have an ugly kid. Karma at its finest. Shit. Hopefully this isn't the case, but damn, (to reference Seinfeld), if your child is "breathtaking" I can't help but notice. I feel bad for even thinking this, but sometimes there are just ugly kids. I can only hope they grow out of it (and not get made fun of), but until then, yikes.

5. I think its time to remove that mole. "Moley moley, moley, moley, moley." You know that scene in Austin Powers: Goldmember, or my favorite scene in Uncle Buck when he tells off his nieces principal about her giant mole? Yeah, those kind of moles. When I see someone with an enormous mole on their face or their neck, I can't help but want to just cut it off. I know its out of their control, but they can get it removed if they want. And there are so many times when I wonder why they didn't. Yes, its superficial. But it doesn't go unnoticed. Also, honestly, from a safety point of view, sometimes I will wonder if those moles are cancerous and if that person is at risk. When they are that big, I am only thinking of their health. (And yes, their vanity too. Sue me.)

Am I a little embarrassed to think these things? Yes. Did I just share them anyway with all of you. Yeppers. Oooops. Now I know I'm not perfect and there are plenty of things I am sure people think about me and don't say, but hey, it is what it is. Although I feel I am outspoken and have a decent pair of balls, there are just some things that I'll just keep to myself just as others do. These things are better left unspoken. For my safety and well-being, I prefer to keep these to myself.