It's over.

Well, today marked the last day of the basketball season for me. As long and exhausting as it has been, I didn't want it to end. Basketball is one of my great loves and will always be. Getting re-involved with it at such a competitive level this year again was invigorating. And fun. Besides my running, this gave me a purpose. So needless to say, I wasn't ready for it to end, and certainly not this way. We lost in the championship game this afternoon by four points. As I continue to wipe the tears from eyes, I know that I will eventually get over this in a few days, but for now, I am really sad.

At the end of October, I held my first basketball tryouts. It was kind of surreal but I felt I was a natural. I had played basketball for such a long time and have such a passion for it, I was psyched (and terrified) for the season. I came in with high expectations for this season, but wasn't totally sure that winning the city championship was a realistic goal. I wasn't totally confident in the skills of all the girls. As the season went on, I realized two things: 1) I had underestimated the girls tremendously. They were much better than I had originally given them credit for. And 2) The idea of winning a championship could definitely become a reality.

Going into playoffs, we had only lost one game. We got the #1 seed in the city and the title was essentially ours to lose. But today, it happened. The same few things that have haunted us all season, even though we worked on them ad nauseum over and over (and over) again are what did us in: missed lay-ups and missed free throws. Ahhhhhhhhh. It's hard for me to go over this in my head over and over again because to a certain degree it is out of my control (and I hate that) since I am not physically out there with them on the court playing. It's impossible for this loss not to hurt because we were the favorite. I have been watching the NCAA tournament the last couple of days and know that upsets are bound to happen, but I didn't want that to be us. If we went out and played our game, we would win. We were the better team. We just didn't play well. Sure, it happens, but it doesn't make it any easier. In this loss, I have many feelings of sadness and disappointment and they're all a little different but all keep making me cry.

1) I'm sad for the senior girls. I still remember to this day what it felt like to lose the very last basketball game of my high school career. I sobbed for hours. Hours. I was inconsolable. And we lost to a lower seed on a half-court buzzer beater. It was awful. I was devastated. To see that look on these girls faces when that buzzer sounded today (and some before that) was heartbreaking for me. To a certain degree, I feel I didn't come through with my end of the bargain to get them to Albany. I gave it my all, but I still feel that I came up short and my heart hurts for them. 

2) I feel I let the Pride community down. Everyone expected us to win. The students and the staff. And we didn't. We had so many people turn out for the game and we didn't win. I don't want to hear about it at work on Monday or I'll cry again. I don't want anyone to mention it but I know it will be the talk of the school Monday and I am dreading it. I feel like I let them down and they are going to remind me of that just by talking about the game. I don't care that students saw me crying today after the game, but I don't want it to happen Monday and I know talk of the game will do just that.

3) I just can't seem to finish. This one really hurts. This is the one having me sob uncontrollably on the street to my parents. When you put so much time and energy into something and fall short, its can be disappointing to say the least. I put five months of work into this season and couldn't come up with the W in the end. It's just like the Chicago marathon. I trained for four fucking months and was positive it was going to be "my race." But I didn't PR. I was ten seconds short. I just didn't do it. To continually fall short at something you care about so much and work so hard for is devastating. I for sure thought that since the marathon didn't go in my favor this year that this had to go my way.  I couldn't fall short twice, could I? Well, apparently I can and I did. And for this, I am utterly upset. Why can't I just do it? Why can't I finish what I start? Why isn't it happening for me? I put so much love into my running and my basketball coaching and yet, the results aren't showing in my favor. I don't know what to do? I don't know how I can finally make it happen for myself. I work so hard over and over again and I just can't come out on top. What gives?

I know this was my first season coaching and I should be proud with second place in all of New York City. And I am. But I am also disappointed because I feel I didn't come through. However, the time I have spent with this team has been unbelievable. Sure they drove me crazy at many points throughout the season and I am sure I did the same to them. I feel I have created a bond with some of these girls that will last forever. They were pretty lucky to not only have such a fabulously cool coach (duh), but a strong female at that. I want to be a role model to them and hope they saw me that way. They knew I cared as much as they did about everything that happened this season and knew how important this was to me. That's something I feel I never really had in any of my coaches as younger athlete. I do feel (hope?) I made a lasting impact on them and I hope they know what an impact they've had on me. I will never forget this season because of all it's given me. I can't believe it over but it certainly was a wild ride. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go cry some more and get it out of my system. After all, I have flag football practice Monday and a whole new season to start.