Lately...

I know I have been kind of MIA lately but life has been so hectic. A lot has been going on and my mind has been racing and my body has been moving. It's been hard to slow down for a second and really write. Nothing specific has really happened that has inspired me to write a post but since so much has been happening, I thought I'd kind of put it out there what I've been doing and what I've been into.

In the last month, I still have been living the usual life of working out, work, basketball, sleep, repeat. Of course there is eating in there (you can trust me on that), but that's about it.  I have time for the occasional errands and TV (duh!!) but not much else because in the little down time I get, I try to get just lay around alone to maintain my sanity. It's amazing though how you can be around people literally all day and then want some alone time, but then be lonely. But it's true because it happens to me every day.

All in all though, I can't really complain that much of my recent coming and goings, but here's the recent scoop of what's new. Here's what's been happening lately...

1) I discovered Broad City. Ummm where has this show been all my life? I don't know why it took me so long to find my absolute new favorite TV show, but this is it. Broad City is the shit. My parents bought Amazon Prime when it went on sale a few weeks ago and I got access to the account, naturally. I then ordered the Amazon Fire stick, and vóila, this was on there. I had heard about it a few times in passing but didn't really know what it was about. But as soon as I started it, I couldn't stop. It was freaking hilarious. Abbi and Ilana are my spirit animals and we need to be friends. They are too fucking funny. Seriously, if you haven't seen this show, start now. I am now all caught up with real time and it sucks having to wait a week in between episodes. #firstworldproblems


2) I now ride front row. I finally made the leap and signed up for my first front row bike at SoulCycle. After riding for two years as a middle-center girl it was time to make the move. I was excited that I was confident enough to sign up for a front row bike, and then even happier that I actually got one in a class taught by my favorite instructor (Trammell FTW. Seriously, if you haven't tried him, do it. He's amazing. And sexy.) Once I popped my front row cheerry and thought I nailed it, I now try to get a front row seat if possible every time (I will NOT become one of the crazy "front rowers" though. Trust me. Ew.) It's very difficult to get a good spot for some of his classes, but when I can get a front row bike, I take it. And I love it. It makes me push myself even harder than I do and I walk out of there feeling amazing. High on life for sure. It's such a great way to start the day and really makes me proud of myself. 

3) Basketball is going well. Playoffs are in full swing and my team has been playing very well. After finishing the regular season 19-1 (16-0 in conference), we earned the number one seed in New York City. Number one!! I was fucking pumped. But it put a big target on our back which of course adds even more pressure. Between our final regular season game and our first playoff game there was almost two and half weeks because we also had a first round bye. It was rather difficult keeping the girls (and myself) motivated at practices without games in the immediate future, but we came out and won our first game by almost 40 points. Unfortunately, one of our starters went down with a bad ankle sprain and was going to be out for a while. This sucked big time. Because of this I was nervous for our third round game, but we managed to win by over 60 points. And we even scored 100 (!!) points in that game!! It was so amazing. Totally a big deal. The girls totally gelled that game and came together with that starter out. For our fourth round (the quarter finals and last home game), we played the best team we have faced so far this season and won by four. It was an absolutely incredible feeling. My girls fought with every inch they had (two more went down with injuries. ugh) and won our most intense game of the season.

Before each one of these games, the anxiety I have had has been ridiculous. It's been hard to sleep and focus because I've been so nervous. It's the same feeling I get the week or so leading up to the marathon. It's a feeling hard to explain but its one of anxiousness and insecurity (and fear of failing). In the minutes leading up to our last game, I even broke down and cried before the game. It was like I couldn't deal with the pressure. The refs even saw me crying. It was not one of my finer moments. I got it together before the girls saw and once the starting whistle blew, I was focused and ready. When the final whistle blew and we went into the locker room victorious I broke down in front of the girls with tears of pride and happiness. I was so proud of them for how hard they worked. But our job isn't done yet. We have our semifinal game on Sunday and with so many injuries right now (three starters, eeeeek), my anxiety isn't decreasing. I am trying to enjoy this ride as much as I can (similar to the marathon and trying to have fun along the course) but its easier said than done. My intense competitiveness gets the best of me and its really hard for me get my head straight. This has always been an issue for me and I can't seem to grow out of it. I can focus once I start, but my emotions are out of control before and after. I am just so passionate about what I do that it gets the best of me. I feel so lucky that this season has been so amazing and I need to enjoy it more. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and experiences and its not over yet.  Fingers crossed our injuries heal quickly and our heads are on straight.

4) I have been UC flare-free. (Knock on wood.)  This time last year, I was flaring. Bad. I almost had to be hospitalized again because it came on quick and strong. It was scary and it was painful. This is usually the time of year for me to flare so it's always in the back of my mind that I could get sick at any moment and I have to be very in tune with my body (more so than I already am). I take nothing for granted health-wise and am proud that it has been almost one whole year without a Ulcerative Colitis flare. This is the longest in probably five years or so that I have been flare-free. With my Remicade treatments every six weeks at a higher dosage, this may just be working for the long haul. With all the stress I have been under with basketball, if my body has been able to pull through, I am confident it will continue to do so.

5) Race Training is in full swing. Because I have been healthy, I have been training for some half marathons. I was planning to run the New York City Half marathon this Sunday, the More Half Marathon in April, and the Brooklyn Half Marathon in May. I have been logging the miles, even in the frigid cold and snow, but unfortunately I will not be able to run the NYC half this weekend. Because my team made the semifinals, our game is Sunday so its impossible to do both because of the timing of the race and the game. Of course my priority right now is basketball so even though I trained for this half, I am happy to miss it for this opportunity. (As long as we win.) Although I trained last year for a half and couldn't run because of a bad flare, this time I felt super ready to run. Not PR form, but ready. One of my goals this year was to break two hours in a half-marathon and even though I trained for this, I am still not as fast as I want to be. I still will have two more tries with the More Half (very unlikely because two loops of hilly Central Park) and Brooklyn Half (where I will go for it) so I need to keep working hard at this but now have an even better base for the next two. And with the weather finally warming, I am ready to get after it.

5) I have been more inspired but its causing confusion. When I was in Florida over February break, I bought myself a book. The book, titled You Are A Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living An Awesome Life really seemed up my alley. It seemed kind of a like mixture between a self-help book and motivational tool (are those even different things?) and I had to have it. As soon as I started reading it, I realized I made a good purchase and light bulbs started to go off. I was highlighting and snapping pics of my favorite passages and reading them over and over again. And of course my brain went on overdrive. What makes me happy? Am I really doing all I can to be happy? Do I give myself enough credit with all I do? What do I want to do with my life? Am I doing it already? All of these questions keep popping in my head and are being addressed in the book and are causing me to really think deep into my wants.

I have been severely burnt out teaching lately and wondering if I have it in me to keep going or make a drastic career change. It's been a struggle to go in to work everyday with a smile on my face. I've kept this to myself mostly but this is my outlet so I guess I needed to get some of this out a bit. But it's true and it's real so it's being written about. Fact: I think I need a big change with work. But what would the change be? And would I make enough money? And would I get health insurance? And will that all fall into place once I am doing something else that I am really passionate about? I am really struggling with all of this lately and its hard to wrap my brain around it all. I love my school and my students, but each year, with more and more politics, I feel that it is getting less and less authentic and that is just not me. I don't want to be going through the motions every day, teaching to at stupid test, writing up bullshit lesson plans and doing things just so the higher ups are happy. The direction that this school system is going is not really one I want to be a part of. I feel although I am quite effective in the classroom, I am losing enthusiasm for it. I am good at my job and used to really enjoy it. I don't hate my job by any means but the love I use to have for it is fading. Fast. (Except for the coaching, I do LOVE that part and its just so "Me.") So what's my next step? Relocate back to Chicago? But I love NYC so much. But I miss my family. But I could use a fresh start. But I really have no friends anymore in Chicago and would have to totally start over on that front. But maybe that's a good thing since I don't have that many in NYC anyway. Aaaahhhh. All of this reading is making me think that there is more out there for me (I have some thoughts on this that I don't necessarily want to share now) and if I don't go for it now, when will I do it?

I don't think all of this confusion is the book brainwashing me. I think it's things that have been brewing for a little while that this book finally made come to light. As I continue to read, I continue to think. A lot. And its confusing me. I live a comfortable, predictable life doing something I like to do and am good at, but do I take a risk and change directions completely and try for something else that will bring me more happiness? All signs point to me not having a fucking clue. But it's all food for thought and I have been eating all of it up. There is so much more I want to and could say here but it's hard to get it all out because I am still really sorting my feelings on it all. Blah.

So anyway, that's what's been going out. Both my body and my mind have clearly been super active lately and it's all been pretty great, but exhausting over all. I sometimes have so much going on up in that brain of mine, I don't know how I keep it together. I guess that's relative though. Tears are always a good way to get it out and make no mistake, I release those often. But yeah, March is off to quite the start and really see no signs of slowing down. I can't wait to consistent spring weather and all that it brings! Holler.