The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

I know, I know...I haven't written lately. Some of you care. Some of you don't even notice. Either way, it's cool. Part of the reason I haven't posted was because nothing too exciting has gone on worth an entire post. Part of it was a little bit of writers block. And part of it was that I wasn't totally sure anyone really found it interesting what has been happening. But then I realized that I don't really care if other people read this or not, or care or not because ultimately, this blog is for me. It's for me to talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly of my life. And when I look back on these in a few weeks, months, or even years, I can remember what happened, how I felt, and how it shaped me even more.

The end of April and beginning of May has had its ups and downs as usual so here it goes...

THE GOOD
1. The weather. Spring is in the air. Sun. Warm temps. Flowers. New York City in the spring is spectacular. Well let's face it, I feel like I say this every season here, every year because it truly is. I love this city. But after winter, to see the first flowers bloom is always exciting. And that first day where everyone is laying out in Central Park is always full of so much energy. I love it. The days are longer, the sun is stronger, and I can wear less layers. It's heavenly and it makes me so happy!!

2. Flag Football is off to a great start. I am not going to lie, starting football right after basketball without a single day off was hard. I was burnt out, cranky, tired and just wanted to go right home after school and watch TV.  But I also know that it's something I enjoy and that the girls really love. We are now halfway through the season and even though practice is kind of a drag, the games are fun, we are doing well, and it's nice to be outside after work. We have a more athletic team than last year, the girls are more familiar with the rules, the flow of the game, and the routine so things are a lot smoother. And we are winning. Winning makes everything better. Right now we are 4-1 and the one loss was to a team that smoked us last year. We really held our own with them and could have won in the last seconds but fumbled. It sucked, but I was happy we hung with them because they are a really good team. I think the loss actually gave our girls some confidence we could hang with the "big boys." I know it did that for me and I wasn't totally pissed we lost. With two more weeks of the regular season to go, we need to win one more game to clinch a playoff spot, but we do have some tough match-ups coming up so I hope we can finish out the season strong!

3. My 3rd fastest half marathon. After training this winter for the NYC Half and not being able to run it because of basketball playoffs, I was kind of bummed and didn't take training for the More Half as serious because I knew I wouldn't PR there because its a hard course. It's two loops of Central Park which includes a lot of hills. A lot of them. I hadn't done this race in six years because it's a course I can do on my own whenever I want and didn't want to pay to run two loops but this year I felt particularly motivated so signed up for it. There was no expo for it so I picked up my race stuff, laid out my race gear the night before and felt zero pressure to perform well. The morning of the race just felt normal to me with the regular amount of anxiety I feel before a long run. When the starting gun went off, I just ran. And I ran. I was feeling good so just kept going. When I crossed the finish line, I realized that I just ran my 3rd fastest half without really trying super hard. I had taken 19 minutes off the last time I ran the course and it gave me hope that I could potentially run a sub 2-hour half in Brooklyn where it is flatter and faster. I was very happy and proud of myself, but also felt the reason I did well was because I put no pressure on myself to do well. Now with the training I've been doing at Mile High Run Club, I'm hoping to have gained the speed I need to reach my goal. I also need to remember to just chill out and not put too much pressure on myself to kill it. I just have to have the confidence and run with enjoyment!

4. I got Netflix. YES!! More TV for me. I've always been too cheap to get it but when my parents got Amazon Prime, they also got a free month of Netflix with it which I finally activated. And I wasted no time getting started on shows I have been dying to watch. People were shocked to find out I didn't have it because they know I watch a lot of TV and up to date with my knowledge of most of the hit shows. Such a gift of mine, I know, right? The first day I activated my Netflix, I watched the entire first season of the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Totally worth it. Super funny. It's no Broad City, but definitely right up my alley. And I just also finished Orange is the New Black season one and loved it. I have read the book and really enjoyed it and had heard all the fabulous stuff about the show so had to get started on that right away too. Obvi. After this one month trial where I'm sure I'll cover a lot of TV ground (and then some), I will probably keep the account for a little while. I mean the Wet Hot American Summer TV show is coming. How can I cancel before that?? Ummm, I can't!

THE BAD
1. I still hate work. Ugh. I literally dread going into work everyday. I don't exactly know why I am so unhappy there but I am. I think it's part boredom, part annoyance, part overwhelmed, and just plain restlessness. I feel on-edge and judged and its just stressful when it shouldn't be. As the year starts to wind down (we still have almost eight weeks left) I know things should start to ease up, but I still can't shake the feeling of not wanting to go back next year. I am not taking on as many responsibilities next year so that should ease some of the workload and feelings of having so much to do and so little time, but that still doesn't make me any more excited to return.

I seriously have the bestest weekends doing what I love (working out, laying out, wandering) and then come Sunday night get all depressed for the upcoming week. It's no way to go through life and I never thought I'd become someone that got that way. And then I get mad at myself for getting that way so it's a bad little cycle. But I feel I put on a decent front at work and do what needs to be done. So until I find something else, I guess I'll suck it up and keep on trucking.

2. I cannot lose a pound to save my life. My brother is getting married in a few weeks and I wanted to lose a little weight before the big day so I don't look like a fat beast in all the pictures that will last forever. I decided to download My Fitness Pal on my phone to track all my food and exercise. I know when I start something like that, I am committed and honest. When I have to actually record something I ate, it makes me really think twice if I really "need" it. I put in the app that I wanted to lose 1.5 pounds a week which is pretty normal and realistic and it set my calorie goal. I have stocked the fridge with healthy, filling options and have been very diligent with tracking. And in the two weeks I've used it, the scale hasn't budged. What the fuck? It's so frustrating and so demoralizing. Like what is the problem? Is it all my meds? Am I eating the "wrong" foods? (I really don't think that's it at all, especially lately.) But what is it? Why can't I lose any weight? UGH!! I am not going to stop trying because I have been eating so healthy and "clean" lately and it feels good to make good eating decision after good eating decision and not giving in to something because I simply don't want to record it! And giving up (at least until after the wedding) is not an option.

THE UGLY
1. I was cyber-bullied. I have never been bullied in my life and in an era of cell-phones and social media (and working with teenagers), I see it happen often. I'm even guilty of sneaking a picture of a stranger on the subway or the street with a horrible fashion choice and Snapchatting it to a friend. But never, NEVER would I post it on social media. It's a total violation to put it out there for people to see. For anyone to see for that matter. And that's exactly what happened to me. I never actually thought I'd be the target of it, but I was, and I was hurt, embarrassed, and frankly disgusted by what happened. I'm very sensitive to certain things about people, obese and old people often make me tear up (yes I have issues) so I don't find stuff like that funny at all. And when it's about me, obviously I don't take it lightly.

I was at a bachelorette party and in an admittingly short dress. There were probably 25 or so girls all going out for a fun night out to celebrate the bachelorette. The night was perfectly planned and a great time. We even had a hashtag on IG for the night. So of course, because I love me some IG, I was looking at the pics on the hashtag the next morning. When I saw one of one of the girls in the party posted a pic, I clicked on her profile to look at some of her other pictures. Well, lo and behold there was a picture I recognized immediately. It was ME. Me sitting very unflattering (sitting like a jock on a bench in my short dress. Yes yikes, but I did have undies on (Spanx even) and it was still no reason to be social-media shamed by someone who knew me) with my head cut off with the caption "Who are these people?" and some equally not-so-nice hashtags. Needless to say, I was furious. Then I was embarrassed. Then sad and self-conscious. Then straight up appalled. (I shockingly didn't cry. I think I was too shocked someone would actually do this.) I wasn't some stranger to this girl; I was in the bachelorette party with her. People clearly knew that picture was of me and she somehow felt it was okay to take it and post it. And others who also knew it was me apparently felt it okay to "like" it as well. People are awesome, aren't they? I screenshotted it and sent it to my friend who seemed equally mortified and upset. It really wasn't a good scene at all. I felt bad getting others involved but I was pissed. I'm couldn't believe this adult woman felt it necessary to post this picture of me for the sake of likes. Bravo to her. I literally couldn't believe it. Like sure, I'd even get it if you took the picture and sent it to your friends and have a good laugh over me (no one would be none the wiser), but to post it publicly, where anyone could see it (I mean I easily found it), is total immature bullshit (and this is me putting it lightly). It's absolutely disgusting behavior for an adult. After she was made aware I had seen the picture, she did take it down and called me to apologize (I didn't answer and she left a vm) but all is not forgiven or forgotten. I was really hurt and I can't help that or apologize for that. What had been a really celebratory, fun night now had a cloud over it on my end and made me feel like absolute garbage about myself. And still does. It sucks. I can't believe what some people find to be acceptable behavior and this opened my eyes even more. It has made me more weary of how I sit, naturally, (it's always been an issue dress or no dress) but also of how mean even adults can be about anything. And geez, if she does this shit to people she knows, what the hell does she do to strangers? I don't even want to know.

So there you have it, a little snapshot of what's been going on lately, more or less in my life. My weekends are totally awesome and my weekdays in between my workouts and practices are not-so-awesome. The countdown to summer break can begin soon which means that the countdown to #RayRaysEuroVacay2 will be happening soon. And until then I booked myself a nice little solo trip to Washington DC. I'm super psyched to get over there. I haven't been there in like five years or so and I can't wait to go see all the sites and wander the city and even catch up with a high school friend who lives there. I'm also particularly excited to go for my morning runs to all the National Monuments. YES! Should be a nice little getaway. There's a lot coming down the pipeline in the next few weeks and I'm just looking ahead and trying to keep my head up and a smile on my face because although there is the bad and the ugly, there is also a ton of good!!!