I AM Strong

Hudson River Path. Love it.

Hey did you guys see the girl today on the Hudson River path crying and trying to catch her breath while running? She was in a neon yellow top. And kind of smiling even though tears were running down her face. Oh you didn't? Well, spoiler alert, it was me.

This morning was my longest training run thus far of my current marathon training. I had to do 15 miles and was up bright and early to do so. I decided to cross Central Park and head to the west side path to run up to the George Washington Bridge and then back down to where I needed to be in order to hit 15. I started off kind of slow and dragging, but after about mile five I started to feel comfortable. I had downloaded some new music last night as well to add to my iPod for this run. New music always gets me going. One of the new songs I downloaded was Katy Perry's Roar. Have you heard this jam? It's pretty great and is going to become a staple on long runs. It's inspiring and I love that. Some lyrics include "I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire...Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR" and "Now I’m floating like a butterfly... Stinging like a bee...I earned my stripes... I went from zero, to my own hero." Great, right?  It's def a song I want to save for the end of long runs when I really need a push. That's what I did with it today. I saved the song for the last mile of today's run and as it played and as I listened to the lyrics, I started to cry. While running. Tears running down my face. I was almost done with my run and I lost it. I started wiping away the tears and wheezing to catch my breath from the crying. WTF is wrong with me? Let me count the ways... Just kidding. But seriously, it's okay for me to cry during the last mile of the marathon out of sheer happiness and joy, but at mile 15 of a long training run? It's too early for this shit.

Last year was going to be my last marathon for a little while (or so I told myself), but when the NYC marathon was cancelled because of Hurricane Sandy damage, I didn't get my chance to run the five boroughs as planned. Although I did run a marathon, it wasn't the NYC marathon and to cross that finish line again was important to me, especially after all the health issues I had last year with my Ulcerative Colitis. I was more than grateful to be able to cross a finish line last year and cried like a baby afterwards in typical me fashion. Because I didn't get to run NYC last year, I had to sign up for this year's race and torture myself another summer with training and stress and worrying and rigid scheduling. Also, typical me. And once again, I am semi-recovering from a UC flare. This one wasn't as bad as any of the ones last year, but it lasted a while and took a few medications to make it end. Antibiotics and Remicade didn't work, so I had to go on steroids to finally get healthy. Since then though, my health has been fantastic (knock on wood!!). However, after getting my health back again, I had to start from scratch with my endurance and that is no easy task. After getting back on track, I left for Europe right as marathon training was beginning. I knew I wouldn't get in all my miles while gone and promised myself I wouldn't get upset over it. And I didn't. Small achievement for me on that front. I also knew that not starting out training following a rigid schedule would most likely affect my performance. I am proud to say though, that I think I am all caught up to where I am supposed to be endurance-wise. That is one of the reasons I cried this morning. I was proud of myself for building that strength and endurance again. I was patient and let it come to me with some hard work. This made me happy and made some of tears "happy tears."

Not all my tears were happy tears though. I am constantly battling body image issues and this causes a lot of anxiety and sadness for me. I often look in the mirror and want to cry at what I see. I am not proud to say that, but I am just so uncomfortable in my own skin a lot of the time that it does hinder my happiness sometimes. I don't often show it, but it eats at me a lot of the time. During the end f this run and Katy Perry's song on this morning's run, I kept thinking how I am too hard on myself and I really need to love myself more for what I have. Although I hate the way my body looks, it IS strong and can do so much. It just ran 15 fifteen freaking miles after all. I have to remind myself that this is the only body I'll have so I need to be grateful for it and accept it as it is.  It carries me far and when I work with it, it works with me for the most part. (Except of course when my UC acts up, but that's out of my control.) My body has bounced back fitness-wise to where I want it to be time and time again and I wish I could just appreciate it more. The tears I shed were those of appreciation but also because I am so hard on myself about my body's appearance and wish I could just get over it. It's not an easy task.

I have ten more weeks of marathon training and that many more long runs. I want to be able to hold it together through all of them. I want my body to do what it needs to do. I want it to continue to be strong and powerful and I know it will if I maintain positivity. I just need my brain to follow suit. Exercise is something I do enjoy and something that is so good for me mentally and physically. I can only hope it helps bring the positive thoughts because I know when I finish a long run like today's I am proud of myself, my achievements, my ability to bounce back and my desire to make things happen. I will focus on the good more often and leave the bad behind. And hopefully no more tears.