A Few Do's and Don'ts of Online Dating

Over the last two weeks, the topic of online dating has come up in a number of conversations with quite a few of my friends and even some colleagues. Many of them are on Match, JDate, OKCupid, Tindr, and perhaps even a few others. Some of my good friends will show me me pictures and profiles of guys and ask my opinion. I even love getting a text from some of them with a screenshot of a picture of a potential suitor or complete wacko. I will get a screenshot with the text "Thoughts?" Or they will forward a bizarre or creepy message that someone sent them. And some even screenshot and share the creepiest ones on FB or Insta for a good laugh. There are a lot of freaking weird-ass people out there who use online dating sites. And they tend to give a bad name to all the normal ones who do it too. Confession: I have tried Match before.  I hated it. It just wasn't for me. I wanted to be open minded to it, and at first I was. But I lasted maybe four weeks before I finally called it quits and let the rest of my subscription run out. By week two, I knew I was over it, but figured I would do a full month. Meh. A lot of the people emailing me clearly weren't reading my profile and what I was interested in and looking for. Like, I am not looking for a 54-year-old divorceé who loves cats and chess and lives deep in Staten Island, so please don't write me. It's never gonna happen. Oh, and one dude asked me to meet him in Florida for a "quick trip." Um, we have never met. Psycho.



Although I know tons of people who have done online dating or are currently still doing it, none of my friends have met their spouses or significant others that way, but boy-oh-boy have I heard some hilarious and ridiculous stories about the Creepy McCreepertons out there in the online dating world. From my short experience of online dating and from all the stories I have heard, I have compiled a list of what I think are do’s and don’ts of online dating.

Pictures
Do: Put in about 3-5 recent flattering photos of yourself. Look candidly happy.

Don’t: 1) Put up any picture over 3 years old if you look significantly different from how you currently look. It’s super misleading and will end up biting you in the ass if you actually do meet someone in person. 2) Put up selfies. C’mon now, you can’t tell me you don’t have any pictures of just you or ones where you can crop out your friends? I find selfies a totally bizarre choice for an online dating profile. 3) Post a shirtless photo. Yeah jackass, we get it…you have a nice body (or maybe even you don’t), but now you are screaming arrogant asshole. Put your shirt on. 4) Post glamour shots/head shots. Ugh. That’s just trying way too hard and also gives the “I take myself too seriously” vibe as well. 5) Post a picture of you a far away distance. I want to know what you look like for up close, not of you over 500 feet away jumping out of an airplane. It’s cool that you do that, but I want to see what you actually look like. 6) Not have a pic at all. That’s a guarantee skip in my opinion. Call me shallow, but I’m gonna go ahead and take a pass on that.

 (*** I realize that I am the most judgey when dealing with pictures but the picture is the first thing you see and then you decide if you want to read on. Sorry I’m not sorry, but that’s the reality of online dating.)

Messaging
Do: 1) Send a quick little message showing your interest and why you may have reached out. You can be witty, but don’t overdo it. 2) Use proper grammar and punctuation.
Don’t: 1) Be a creep. (This might be easier said than done in some cases.) Nothing perverted or fetishy. That’s fucking weird. You don't even know this person and are already crossing the line. How some people think that this is acceptable is beyond me, but to each their own I guess. 2) Email and/or text for more than four days without setting up a date. It's only going to lead to a let down when you do finally meet in person if you prolong the initial communication. Meet and get it over with.

Maybe this stuff is pretty spot-on and total common sense to you. Or maybe you are thinking "geez, no wonder this chick is still single;" she is super critical. Whatever it may be, I do feel like I know what’s acceptable and not acceptable in the world of online dating based on my brief experience and from the many others those I know have had. I do not plan to ever tackle it again in the near future I but do love hearing the hysterical "I can’t believe this just happened" and "is this dude for real?" stories from my friends.  I can’t wait for the day one of them calls me up ridiculously excited that she finally thinks she met the one because ultimately,  that's why most people join these sites (or to get some instant ass...whatever). Until then, we will continue to judge and ridicule those that continue to follow the “don’ts” of online dating. And if you have any funny online dating stories, feel free to post them in the comments section!!

***Also posted on JonesandB,  the other site I write for. Check them out!! And like their FB page too!! Please support both my writing projects.