My Scoop on Poop

When I was in college, one of my guy friends insisted that girls didn’t poop. He truly believed that when girls went to the bathroom, they released little pink pellets. I mean, this was a 20-year old guy who still refused to believe that us females don’t go to the bathroom and take a giant dump. Apparently his mother never read “Everybody Poops” to him as a child because man, did this kid need a wake-up. Or she read it to him and he was traumatized from that point on. Whatever the case may be, this kid needed a reality check. And so do so many other guys. It may not be  that ridiculous of a point as the pink pellet kid, but I don’t know why there is such a double standard between guys and girls regarding burping, farting and pooping. It’s hilarious when they do it or talk about it, but gross when we do. Not okay.

I don’t know what it is about some guys, but they absolutely refuse to believe that girls poop, fart, or burp and some even try to make us feel bad about it. Well guess what gentleman? Surprise, surprise, us girls are just like you! We go number two. We let ‘em rip. And we belch. And I am not going to ever pretend that I don’t do these things or apologize for doing them. They are part of nature and I for one, am not embarrassed by them. I poop. I fart. And man-oh-man do I burp. But why are some people so weird about this stuff? I really have no idea. We all do it. Spend a few hours with me and I am sure the topic of poop will come up, I I will most def impress the hell out of you with one of my monster burps, and I may even crop dust as we walk down the street. (Don’t worry guys, there’s plenty of me to go around, so don’t all line up at once to request a day to hang.)


As adults, some of whom are in relationships, we should be 100% comfortable with ourselves. I know that when I am in a relationship, I am very open. Sure I don’t poop with the door open right away, but it will happen. Sure I don’t fart in front of you for a while, but the time does eventually come. The burping however, sometimes appears by the third date. I am human after all. Although I do censor these things at the very start of a relationship, as me and my man grow closer and more comfortable with each other, we both start introducing these bodily functions to each other. I know that I most certainly will not censor my bodily functions for the rest of my life with my future spouse so why not get it out in the open early on-ish in the relationship?  If he’s scared away by this, he’s a prude asshole. His loss. I seriously know some girls who will not fart in front of their longtime boyfriends or husbands and I really don’t know how they do it? Are they really going to hold them in for the rest of their lives? That’s got to be painful in so many ways.

So here it goes, the big three and how I feel about them. You know, because its so important!

Burping. This is my forté. I don’t mean to brag, but I am seriously a freaking amazing burper. Much to my mother’s dismay, I can burp pretty much any dude under the table. I don’t need any carbonation to get going, and if I just happen to have some, look out. And when I drink beer, it’s totally on. My parents are a little concerned that I am constantly turning off guys by my burping but I come from the school of “love it or leave it” and this is me. It’s not like I am in some fancy restaurant and I just go ahead and burp and show off this “skill” on a first date. Shockingly enough, even I do have my limits. I know my surroundings and my audience and wait until I feel the time is right. I know better than to push the boundaries right out of the gate.

Pooping. Plain and simple, pooping is the shit! (Oh yeah, I couldn’t help myself with that pun.) But seriously, how can you truly start a great day if you don’t take a nice big poop in the morning? To me, it’s a must. Growing up with a brother with Crohn’s and having Ulcerative Colitis myself, we were not shy in my household discussing our bowels; the frequency, the consistency, and everything in between. Grossed out? Whatevs. Luckily most of my friends also enjoy talking about poop too (and are always super great and supportive when I do get a flare-up). They don’t mind hearing me discuss what’s going on with my stomach issues and aren’t embarrassed to share theirs as well. I think the key to a great relationship (with friends and significant others) is being able to discuss anything, including poop! If you can’t do that, you are in for a rude awakening when you get married.

Farting. Out of the three things being discussed, this is the one I am most reserved about. For some reason, this one is the most personal to me. There are only a handful of people I will actually fart in front of, but once I do it in front of you the first time and am comfortable, I will keep them coming. And if we are real tight, I may even dutch oven you. Hilarious. You know why? Because farting is funny. Always. (Just don’t gamble and lose, if you know what I mean. That my friends, is not so funny.)

Once again, all of these things are natural. We all do all of them. Probably even all three in one day. I mean if that’s the case, that’s a pretty awesome day if I must say! But seriously, we shouldn’t be afraid to do these things around the ones we love, male or female. Obviously everyone has their own boundaries but you should be able to “do you” and not feel like you are being judged or have to hold back, literally and figuratively. I guess what I am trying to say is that its okay to talk about these things. And it’s more than okay to actually do them. And if you don’t feel like you can, come spend some time with me and I will get you to change your tune.

***Also posted on JonesandB,  the other site I write for. Check them out!! And like their FB page too!! Please support both my writing projects.