One would think with all the traveling, drinking, socializing, and meeting new people thing, I wouldn't have a care in the world. But that is wrong. Because of all I've done this summer thus far, I made a couple realizations with relationships and myself that have caused some sadness and frustration.
1) As much as I love traveling by myself, I've realized how lonely I really am. Believe me, I am so happy to have the opportunities to travel as much as I've had lately and feel lucky to have had them. I have the time, the means (right now at least), and the availability to do so. But, and big but, I can't imagine how much better some of these trips and experiences would be with someone I love by my side.
2) Because I have been going out more lately, I have obviously been meeting more people, including more men. This should be a great thing, right? But for me, it happens to come with a lot of doubt and insecurity. It's the worst and I try to stay positive, but I've realized that when dealing with guys in NYC, that's really difficult. So far my experiences with guys this summer has just caused me to be even more more jaded about dating and relationships. None of them have ended in my favor and have just left me even more helpless, confused, and feeling shitty.
The two things listed above obviously go hand in hand because if I actually was successful in dating, I might actually have a male companion to accompany me on these wonderful trips and do other fun stuff with. Dating SUCKS. I am just going to put it out there. With all the technology and options out there used for dating, it seems that no one really wants to settle down anymore. But I do! I want a boyfriend. A companion. Someone to eventually be my husband. I don't care how pathetic I sound when I say that, but it's true.
I've am currently reading the new Aziz Ansari book Modern Romance and he actually is spot-on with all his observations and conclusions about dating in 2015 which makes me feel a little better at least. He is pretty spot-on with all his observations, experiences, and research. Where have the days gone where two people meet each other, talk everyday, and then decide "Hey, I like you. You like me. Let's date each other and no one else." It's so simple and yet rarely happens anymore. (It's actually how both of my two long-term relationships began. But those were a LONG time ago. Ugh.) Did you see Trainwreck? Besides that fact Amy Schumer and I could literally be the same person, one of my favorite parts of this movie (besides the raunchiness and inappropriateness that I always love) was when Bill Hader's character basically told Amy that he likes her, he knows she likes him, so they should just date. It's that easy. He put it out there and although she was fighting it, she knew it was right. Why does this only happen in movies and not real life? This is the dating I want. I don't want to play guessing games. It shouldn't have to be a "we're talking" then "we're seeing each other" situation for months on months because each person is afraid to commit or look "crazy," but this seems to be the society we are living in and it's not working for me. If I like you and you like, lets make it known
to each other up front, try dating each other and no one else and see where it goes. It's not that difficult. If it works out, great. If not, than that's life. But at least you gave it a shot. The fact this doesn't happen causes me great insecurity and uneasiness with guys and that's just not okay. I don't often believe they like me and am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I tend to, as one of my friends puts it, "get in my own way." I get in my head too much, overthink, then eventually just give up on it because its just not worth waiting to see how it plays out. I want to protect myself from getting in deeper, so I back out as to not let myself get hurt. Clearly this method isn't working for me, but I don't know any other way to deal with my feelings and really can't bare to set myself up to rejected down the line when I really start to like the guy. It's not worth it to me. Yes I know, so not healthy.
Another millennial dating issue I have is all the texting that goes on. I love to text as much as the next girl, but as I have gotten older, its gotten more and more annoying. I don't want to text and text and text with a guy; sometimes I want them to pick up the damn phone and not think it's weird if I do it. I don't think that's too much to ask for. Neither is a prompt reply. Replying to someone's text a few hours later to someone is totally understandable during the work day. Everyone is busy and not always by their phone, but taking 4-5 hours between every text is not okay. If you really like someone, you will want to text them and communicate with them. To see how their day is going? To just say hi. To let them know you are thinking about them. I am firm believer, if you like someone, you will find a way to communicate with them without them waiting a few hours. (I mean everyone has a few minutes while taking a dump or waiting in an elevator to check-in, c'mon now.) And if you're a giant pussy, you will "ghost" a girl and just disappear. Do you know how often this happens? A girl is seeing a guy and talking pretty often and then he just vanishes. He stops answering your texts and is never heard from again. Out of the blue. Fucking ridiculous. So basically, if you don't text me back within 24 hours to a question or two, I can assume you are done with me. Why? Because this happens a lot and it's not okay. Mind you, if it's early on in the dating stage and question isn't asked and you don't talk within that time, it's a different story. But if there is a question just sitting there, I may jump to conclusions that you are over it.
And don't even get me started with Tinder and other dating sites and apps. I just rejoined Tinder last week because one of my married friends mentioned she just found out about it. I hadn't been on it in almost a year because I got very discouraged by a lot of things I mentioned above. However, for the sake of showing her, I re-downloaded it on my phone, showed it to her, and decided to keep it for a bit longer. Why not, right? Summer me. Sites like Tinder are supposed to give you so many options to find someone, but the problem is there are so many options that men always feel there is someone better out there for them and are keeping you around, not committing to you while they look for that better offer. I get this feeling often with guys and its super shitty. I want to be the priority for someone. Is that so much to ask? This is the kind of stuff that makes me feel insecure and one of the reasons that if I like someone, I want us to discuss exclusivity. And I really don't find anything wrong with this. A lot of people go all "Oh, I don't do labels," and if someone likes you enough, they want to make sure you are theirs and only theirs. Enough said.
Anyway, I am vowing to keep Tinder on my phone until at least school starts again no matter how discouraged, annoyed, and irritated I get. I actually do have a couple friends who have been seriously dating guys who they have met on Tinder so there is hope. As I've been told from multiple people, I need to be nicer to myself and more confident with guys, but in doing so, I will not compromise all the things that I believe I deserve, and I will not apologize for that. Hopefully, I will eventually meet someone who is on the same page as me and end up in a situation where I don't doubt anything. But until then, I will continue to be open-minded and try to stay positive. Not every guy on Tinder is a giant douchenozzle. Someone will want to text and/or call me everyday. Someone will think that I am enough for them. Someone will think that I am the best option and won't want to look any further.
I don't know if what I'm asking for is non-existent in 2015. I would like to believe this man exists for me but with each dating experience I have, I get less and less sure he is. But after a few bad experiences (and lots of tears) lately, I am really beginning to think it's not going to happen for me. Do you know how fucking depressing that is? With so many wonderful things in my life, this is one that constantly brings me down. It stings and I just don't know the answer. (I also don't know how well I articulated myself here about it because I have so many hurt and confused feelings right now about it.) So if you are reading this and you can offer any insight (besides telling me I am expecting too much) please let me know. Now excuse me while I go swipe some more.
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