Mind over Matter

Last Monday was my first official day of marathon training. Dun, dun, dun. Blah. Eighteen weeks (well 17 now) until the ING New York City Marathon. Eighteen weeks until 26.2 miles. I don't know why I sign up for this stuff (yes I do, I really do love it), but I continue to do so. I should be excited, right?

The past few times I have signed up for a marathon, I was nothing short of psyched and motivated. This time around, I have a very "meh" feeling. I was originally registered for last year's marathon and a series of events (the continual extreme heat, a bad UC flare, and a broken foot) led to me deferring my entry. Yes, I did lose my $180 registration fee to save my spot in order to pay $220 for this year's (highway robbery!) but I assumed I'd be excited to start this adventure again. Who was I freaking kidding?

I knew when I accepted my entry this year, I wasn't sure I'd run it, but I didn't want to lose my spot. (They are really hard to come by.) Whether I had it in me or not to train was still up for debate. And a week into training, it still is. I am going to have to play this one by ear. Take it one run at a time. I look at my running schedule for the next eighteen weeks and I have a sense of dread.  I see those 20-milers and want to cry. And I don't know why. I use to love this stuff. Loved and took pride in having such a great goal to look forward to. Loved the rigid regimen I would make for myself. When I commit to something, I put my all into it. But I don't know if I have it in me this year. And this frustrates and scares me because its so not like me.

Considering I have been sick or recovering from being sick about 7 out of the last 12 months, getting into a regular workout/running routine has been difficult. I had a UC flare last Aug-Oct (with my broken foot overlapping for 6 weeks in there), had another flare (with a hospitalization) from Feb-May, and then another flare just recently. To constantly go from sick to recovering to almost healthy only to have it happen again is kind of demoralizing. I would get so excited to run again and really get into it, and then have my body fail me...again. It seemed whenever I got myself going again, I would get sick...again. It wasn't fun. Of course while I was sick, I couldn't run and therefore lost the routine that I so much loved and kept me sane. When things with my health finally settled down, which was just in the last two weeks (with the help of Remicade), it was hard to get back on track. I got used to sleeping in and not running in the morning. I didn't want to go to the gym after work. Now, to get back into the swing of things has been a struggle. I don't know why I am not jumping out of bed in the morning ready and excited to run. It's such a big part of my life. I even had to get a little pep talk from a friend recently to try and get me excited again. She knows how much I love to run and what a big part of my life it is and was trying to give me a boost. I needed it, but it wasn't the kick in the pants I wished it had been.

I am thinking that this training for the marathon might actually be the routine that I need to get me started again. It will force me to get in a certain amount of miles per day. It gradually increases each week and might be what I need to get me back in the game. Minus the long run. Even though I completed my first "long" run this weekend, I still don't have the motivation I expected to get back. I did eight miles on Sunday, which I was happy I completed. After not running for about two months now, I was happy I got it done. It was hot and I did it suuuuuper slow, but I did it. That's a start. I am trying to think positive in that sense. At this point, the running is more of a mental game for me than a physical one. I don't like being slow and tired and it plays with my head. My thoughts are my biggest enemy. It's totally mind over matter at this point. I need my thoughts to be my ally and once I get in that mindset, I know I will be golden.

My biggest fear right now is that I am going to train and put time and effort in this, and then not run a time I am happy with. I know this will crush me. I know I will be inconsolable if this happens. This frightens me to death. I also know I cannot allow myself to think this way because it does no good. It's not mentally healthy and there's just no point in all that negativity when I am trying to complete such an awesome accomplishment. But it is a real fear I have and I have to confront it. I will control what I can and take this training day by day, mile by mile. It's all I can really do. I want to do this and know I can. I just need to think positive!