Spreading the Gift of Poop

I have not denied my love for all things poop and farts (and also burps). They are all hilarious. Remember, everyone poops so you should never be shy about your bowels. You should know your audience, but you don't have to be shy about it. I know my audience pretty well and am grateful that many of my close friends are just as open about their bowels as I am. We talk about the frequency, the consistency and even the smell. Yes, we are very classy ladies! But once again, we know our audience and who we can and cannot discuss this stuff around. 

Because of all my GI issues (Hello again UC), much of this has become almost a running joke as to how open I can be. In fact, my friends and family will see things relating to poop and farts and often call or email me about it. Or even if they see something they know I would appreciate, they might buy it for me. I love a good gag gift. And if the gift is useful, that's even better. Three poop/fart related things I have received as gifts are below are are pretty awesome. They clearly show how much the people close to me know me so well.

1) Poo-Pourri. This gift actually came from one of my mom's closest friends. She knew I had been very ill and having more UC problems. She is super thoughtful and always buying gifts for people here and there. She saw this at a store and purchased one for my mom and one for me. It's a spray that you are supposed to spray in the toilet BEFORE you poop to eliminate the smell. Pretty genius idea. And also pretty clutch if you are pooping away from home. Things can get dicey when you don't have the home court advantage so having this (and even some matches) can help. I have yet to take it with me anywhere, basically because I forget, but I should give it a go elsewhere. I have tried it at home and it works decently. I mean, it definitely is better than nothing. It smells pretty nice and as the container says "Spritz in the bowl before you go and no one else will ever know."

2) The Art of the Fart. This is a mini book that came with a whoopie cushion(!!!). Books are always great because they can keep you busy on the toilet and teach you a thing or two. Although this one is short and sweet, it makes a pretty decent bathroom read. Although I am pretty much an open book when it comes to pooping, I am not so much that way with farting. I am much more demure and shy about it. But I can discuss them in front of others, I just don't let them rip in front of anyone (like I do with a burp). This book is quite informative about farts. It discusses the different types of farts (The motorboat, the whisperer, the poofart aka the shart, and the list goes on), farting etiquette (fartiquette), the history of the fart, public farting, and the science behind farts. It's all really informative. Why not learn about farts? They are super interesting! There was so much fantastic information in this book, but I think one of my favorite things was the slang words for fart from around the world. My fave: the arse cruncher.

3) Poo Log: A Record Keeper. Yet another book for me. This one is not so much for reading, but for recording poops. Although it does start with a brief introduction as well as a great compilation and explanation of the different types of poops (Clean sweep, hanging chad, Number 3, Dejá poo, etc...). Such a great list. Hilarious. The book then goes on with page after page of a log. It starts with your Poop Quality Index (PQI) that includes almost a rubric-like form with categories like delivery, size/Shape, number of particles, smell, number of wipes, and post-poo sentiment. Amazingness.  Then you can go on and record the date, time, duration of the poop as well as any unusual characteristics and you can even draw a sketch if you please. Let me just say that this book is so awesome that I have not written a word in it. I want to preserve its awesomeness.  Finally at the end of each page, there is a "Did You Know?" piece of information about poops! 

Did You Know? The average person farts ten times per day resulting in the release of 705 cc gas in the atmosphere. (Woweeeee!)

Did you Know? Bears don't poo at all when hibernating. Their bodies create an internal plug made from feces and hair that prevents them from pooping while sleeping. (Who knew? So interesting!!)

I clearly have very thoughtful friends that seem to know me well. I love that when they see stuff poop and fart related, they automatically think of me. The gifts above are officially "the shit" (get it? get it?) and I truly appreciate them. Thanks guys! And keep 'em coming.