50 Shades of Meh

As the weather gets nicer and nicer and my tanorexia sets in, my need to be outside more and more increases, and so does my desire to read. As big of a TV fan as I am, summer shoes are just okay and my DVR rarely has more than 3 shows on it at once. The combination of weather and bad summer TV gives me the opportunity to get in a lot more reading. I often do it by the pool, at the beach, or laying in Central Park. With that being said, one of the most popular trilogies right now that everyone is talking about is 50 Shades of Grey by E.L James.

I kept hearing about this book wherever I would go. Women of all ages were talking about it. My Facebook newsfeed was all abuzz about it. So of course I had to find out what all the fuss is about. But here's where it gets tricky. This is not your normal chick lit read. This is kind of soft core porn/erotica that has somehow become mainstream and totally acceptable to read. First it was available only on e-readers, then the paperbacks came out. What this means also is at first when women were reading it, no one else really knew it because it was on their Kindle, Nook, or iPad and no one could see the cover of the book. Now if someone is reading the real-deal book version, everyone knows. And lord help those nosey people that look over someone's shoulder on the train (I am raising my hand here!) to see what they are reading. They will probably blush quite a bit.

I just finished the second book and it took me significantly longer than the first. (This triology is no Hunger Games that's for sure. I finished all three in six days. Bit pat on the back for me. Woot! Woot!) However, I am losing interest. In fact, I think I kind of already lost interest to keep reading the third book. I don't really care what happens to Ana and Christian but for the sake of my pop culture knowledge I will finish this trilogy. I will. It might take me a few weeks, but it will get done. Then I will feel a bit of satisfaction that will last all of 2 minutes and move on with my life.

So why don't I really care anymore about finishing 50 Shades of Grey? Well, so glad you asked. There are a quite a few things that bother me about this book. So here I go...blubbering away.

1) It's long. Both the first and second books were just shy of 700 pages on my Kindle. Brutal. I think the third is the same. <sigh>

2) The author is British but this book takes place in America (Pacific NW).  Although this is the case, sometimes has the characters speak in an all-too-British and/or proper language. It throws me off because I don't know any twenty-something Americans that when they need to be picked up so "please fetch me at 5:30." None.

3) It doesn't really have a plot. I mean for almost the 700 pages not much really actually happens. No suspense. No real drama. It's just kind of, dare I say, "meh".

4) The main character Ana SUCKS. She gives a bad name to women. I would never be friends with her. EVER. She is needy and easily manipulated. She is being emotionally toyed with and although she knows what he is doing is wrong and gets mad, she just stays with Christian. This is not okay. 

5) Some of the sex stuff is just plain gross. S&M is not for me and will never be. Butt plugs, nipple clamps, canes to be whipped with, etc... Not my cup of tea. Will never get me aroused. In fact, it will do quite the opposite. Call me a prude, but that kind of stuff makes me want to keep me legs glued shut.

On the other hand, there are definitely some normal (or as he calls them, "vanilla") sex scenes in there that are hot. Like H-O-T, hot. Dayum.  And I am sure many husbands and boyfriends are benefitting from it greatly. And some women are running to the stores for more batteries for their Rabbits. 

6) There is nothing sexy about a controlling and stalkerish man. Even if he is worth millions. The man is sometimes straight up creepy. I am sure Christian Grey is as gorgeous as described, but he is clearly insane and has far too many issues to be dealt with. 

7) Ana and Christian barely know each other and are moving WAY too fast. It's been like a span of 15 days or something on the first two books and without spoiling anything for anyone, let's just say they need to slow the F down. If I was her friend (which once again, clearly would not happen), I would have a mini intervention with her.

Okay, now that I got that off my chest, I am going to go ahead and start book three after I take a quick break and read something else inbetween. But I know the quicker I start it, the quicker I can finish it. Maybe I will be pleasantly surprised and it will pick up and actually get interesting. Or Ana will get a new personality? Or maybe Christian will chill out? Whatever it is, I want to finish this bitch up.