Good Lord, Honey Boo-Boo Child

So let me start this off by saying I actually do NOT watch TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras. Shocking, right? But I must admit that when it first premiered a couple years ago I actually did have it programmed on my DVR and watched the first few episodes. I was too disgusted and appalled by the delusion and behavior of both the parents and the "beauty queens" that I couldn't stomach anymore. That doesn't stop me from reading about it from time to time online and in magazines (I am human after all!), especially when I come across a gem like the one I did on Friday. (Yes, its 6 minutes long, but watch it ALL. Promise? K. Thanks!)

Hmmmm....so how do I continue to write this blog entry without being a judgy, bitchy mess? I think that may be an impossible task in this case so I am not even going to try. Nor will I feel guilty about it. The way I see it, these people put themselves on television on purpose and by doing so, make themselves open targets for this kind of criticism (Exhibit A). I will however, lay off the kid, Alana, as much as possible because really, it's her mother who is a looney-tune. Her mother June, the "Coupon Queen" is many things, and eye pleasing is not one of them. I mean, seriously, look at the screen shot above. The woman is attractively challenged. (Apparently she has also been on TLC's Extreme Couponing so she loves the camera even though we might not agree.) I mean, seriously, how many chins does this woman have? I honestly feel bad for how unfortunate-looking she is. Poor Alana doesn't have much to look forward too, does she?

After I saw this video clip online, I checked my TV listings to see if this episode was airing again this week in its entirety and it wasn't. I was beyond disappointed. Beyond. But I am a survivor and will move on, so let's just discuss some of the very important things that I noticed in the brief video recap of the episode...



1) The fact that even though these people speak English, most of what they say needs to be captioned. With such incredible lines as the now famous (at least to me) "A dolla makes me holla, honey boo-boo," I am glad there was actual proof I heard it correctly. She is comedy gold, that girl. 

2) June gives Alana something called "Special Juice." It looks an awful lot like Mountain Dew, which is probably what it is, but that shit is like crack to a kid. What are these mothers thinking giving their kids Red Bulls, pixie stix, and other sugar-laden crapola to give them energy? If your kid is talented, cute, and has charm, they will do well in these pageants. But we all know, that is not the case with 90% of these kids. While most parents want to sedate their hyper active children, these women are purposely caffeinating and sugar-highing (yes, I just made up that word!) them. Gross.

3) I am all about having young girls embrace their bodies, but what Alana does with her tummy, is not cute. At all. And her mother encourages her to do that for the judges. This girl is going to have a rude awakening when she gets older and realizes that the very trick her mother taught her was cute and hilarious is unacceptable and will repel others.

4) June's dancing and gesturing during Alana's Daisy Duke routine. Now that is something I could have lived without seeing. Have I mentioned how unattractive she is? Well, bitch is ugly. And can't dance for shit either. I couldn't stop staring at her giggly arms the entire routine.

5) At the end of Alana's Daisy Duke routine, June shouts at her to "Shake your butt, baby." Okay, what exactly are you teaching your child by yelling that? Totally inappropriate to say to a 6-year old. (Let's be serious though, things could be a lot worse. June could have had Alana dress up as a prostitute for the pageant.)  I wonder how this show ranks among pedaphiles?

6) Did you see Alana's dad's reaction to her name being called for her award? It was priceless. Zero emotion. It's very clear Alana did not garner her larger than life personality from him. The poor guy has to live in a house with Alana and June. That would probably suck the life out of me as well.

7) June's nice little burp in the last confessional. Pure class. I love that the producers kept that little piece of magic in their final cut.

Overall, I don't know if I could have handled an entire episode of this white trash brigade. But with two other girls being followed, it might have evened it out a bit. Even if that was the case though, I truly think Alana would have stolen the show anyway. I don't know if more beauty pageant victories are really in her future, but good Lord, honey boo-boo child, quit while you're ahead, and use this opportunity of being in the public eye to find yourself a new family. STAT.